The latest from terrixo
(In the computer shop) Dad: So... The shop assistant that served you earlier... Was it a he, she, or an it? Me: It was a he. Dad: Sure? Me: Yes, dad. (Later, after the assistant has come back, served us and left again) Dad: You were wrong. Me: Huh? Dad: It wasn't a he, a she or an it. It was a ginger.
Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are always interested in your friends. I will be like, "Guess who I went to the movies with?", and it would be like, "Who?"
(Me and my mom talking about a vampire book we are reading) Mom: This vampire is dead, isn't he? And he's still in his casket? Me: Yes. What do you think they're going to find when they open it? Mom: Mist? Me: No, but you're close. Mom: ... Guinea pigs?
(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you today? Mom: (looks around carefully) I need to withdraw you-know-what from vault you-know-where. Manager: (Looks around too and nods) Of course, but we must keep our voices low otherwise the muggles will hear us. Me: Am I going to Hogwarts?! Mom and Manager: SHUT UP!!!
My dad: One day I was in a park, and I saw this person's ass, and I thought "One day I'll marry that ass!" Me: I thought you met mom a different way? Dad: Oh no, it turned out that the owner of the ass was a dude. But still, it was the sexiest ass I've ever seen in my life.
Brother: I'm gay! Mother: Oh I'm sorry dear, didn't you know? Father: What do you want, a cookie? Little Brother: Get out of they way I can't see the TV.
Uncle Ralph: (To brother and boyfriend) Did you have sex on my bed? Brother: NO! Why would you think that? Uncle Ralph: Well, the bed's a mess and there's a wet spot on it. Brother's boyfriend: Or, you never make your bed, and the roof leaks. Uncle Ralph: So you had sex on the roof?
while talking about my best friend mom: omg. Emma has a boyfriend me: yeah, I know. mom: aren't you upset? me: no. Why would I be upset? mom: wait, did you two break up? me: What? Mom, I'm not a lesbian. mom: are you sure?
Dad: So I finally saw a Justin Bieber video. Me: Yeah? Dad: It's like he wants to be a hip-hop artist but he doesn't want his mom to find out.
Me: Where's Dad? Mom: He went for a sh*t and the crows got him. Me: ??!
Mom: (looking out window on rainy day) I wonder what a wet squirrel smells like? Me: Whaaaa?
