ANTM College Edition: What it Takes (not) to Get to Harvard

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On this week's episode of America's Next Top Model: College Edition (aired 9/7), we learned that: 1) ANTM makeovers aren't as dramatic as they used to be - 2) Models feel it's their duty to defend the reputation of Ivy League Universities - 3) Tyra Banks is a (fake) Harvard graduate - 4) Cnt is a bad word, but accurate in describing certain people - 5) Getting naked and humiliating yourself for a photo shoot is part of modeling - 6) Your mother can be your best friend and life partner - 7) Weeping uncontrollably gets you airtime on ANTM - 8) Harvard-educated models are slightly smarter than regular models

1) ANTM makeovers are the joy of ANTM fans' lives. We know, if we watch an ANTM makeover episode, we will get: models wailing uncontrollably over toilets after having their head shaved bald, models clutching pieces of their hair and saying, "I've been growing it for YEARS!", and of course models resigning from the show altogether because of botched cuts, and/or threatening to punch the judges in the face after a hair follicle infection. So much entitlement, vanity, hilarity, all in a single hour.

Well, this episode was not that. The makeovers didn't cause much reaction. Nobody's head was shaved bald. Nobody attempted suicide because of a bad dye job. BORE-A-THON.

2) The only real drama came from the lone Ivy League model on the show. Maria refused the makeover altogether (this is a new option for contestants, but they then suffer Tyra Banks and Kelly Cutrone's wrath, which consists of a table meeting where Kelly Cutrone says things like, 'You're committed to defending mediocrity.").

The other contestants were incredulous about Maria's decision, and seemed to think her choice not to have a makeover would jeopardize Harvard's reputation. "She acted like an embarrassment to Harvard," said one girl with the glitter of a tear in her eye. The logic, I guess, is that Harvard bases its reputation on…whether or not Harvard students perform well on America's Next Top Model?

3 and 4) The girls were equally enraged by Maria's subsequent pronouncement that Kelly Cutrone was "a c
nt" (um, isn't she?), and they even bemoaned the fact that Maria was "from the same school as Tyra." Not quite, my pretties. Not quite.

5) But anyway. After the makeovers, the girls went to their photo shoot, during which they had to strip off all their clothes and pose naked as babies for photographer Tony Duran. The contestants seemed very comfortable nude, which made me wonder about their past career endeavors. Just saying.

6) During the course of the episode, we are reminded (as we have been reminded all cycle) that Victoria's relationship with her mother is wholly inappropriate. I shouldn't pick on her, but Victoria has gone into org*smic convulsions at least two or three times at the thought of talking to her mother on the phone. Is your mother Brad Pitt, or something? Because she seems to excite you. A lot. Like in special ways.

7) The more one cries, though, the more one seems to be on-screen. Victoria's crying jags are truly giving her an edge over the competition, at least in the way of airtime.

8) The final lesson from ANTM: Harvard's reputation is safe and sound, namely because Maria showed herself to be slightly smarter than her competition. The ONLY (and I mean ONLY) Harvard attendee to appear on ANTM Cycle 19 realized her mistake in joining the cast within three episodes, and resigned before posing nude. Sorry, Tyra, but that's the closest you'll ever get to a Harvard grad.

Read more from Kindall Gray on her blog, Real Housewives Real Professor!

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