This Shirt Will Change Your Life

"I wasn't ready for this shirt.
I bought it for a 4th of July party, thinking it would be a fun gag shirt. Little did I know. I pulled it out of the box and immediately sank to my knees and wept tears of pure joy, and by "pure joy" I mean "pure Jack Daniel's". I strapped it on and my bench press increased by a 100lbs. [sic] I whipped [sic] the whisky from my face, looked in the mirror, and in my reflection I saw him behind me.
George Washington. Looking stern and powerful. He nodded once, an affirmation. I knew what I had to do.
I flung myself from the bathroom window and this shirt literally turned me into a bald eagle. I flew over Iraq and pooped tomahawk missiles on ISIS positions, then I flew back home and turned into a 1967 Pontiac GTO and drove all night until I arrived at P**town. Population: Me.