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Thirty-Eight Tweets For Your Procrastination Pleasure

Tweets. They're short, they're sweet, and sometimes they're funny as hell. That makes them the perfect way to kill time before it's quitting time on Friday. You're going to make it through work, and we're going to help you.

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  • 1
    Fictional character - Jenny Nicholson (don't talk to me... @JennyENicholson Me hanging out in my gaming room doing some gaming in my expensive gamer chair with my one friend whom I don't own any additional chairs for
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  • 2
    Text - little miss fodder @emimeetsworld oh my fucking god you actually have to get home and make dinner with ingredients you buy for dinner and you have to cook it and the next day you have to make dinner again and again and do another food shop and more dinner and it's every fucking day like this 12:07 PM · 1/20/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 3
    Vertebrate - Katie Didn't @Pork_Chop_Hair When l'm mid-change and the Victoria's Secret employee sneaks in with another cute bra for me to try on... 9:08 AM - 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 4
    Text - clean slate @PleaseBeGneiss Gas tank for dolphins Translate Tweet 2:10 PM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Text - Thoughts of Dog® O @dog_feelings i just learned. i've been nominated for an award. this is incredibly flattering. word must've gotten out that i caught my tail Thoughts of Dog - The Shorty Awards shortyawards.com 4:58 PM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 6
    Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface When people ask what superpower you'd want it's always a choice between invisibility and flight, you can keep that basic bitch shit l'd be communicating with raccoons and teaching them karate 5:50 PM · 1/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 7
    Text - Divergent Mama @Divergentmama Telling someone they are "hot" - could be seen as cheesy - shows all you care about is looks - are you really that into them? Telling someone they are "on fire" - could save their life shows off of your stop, drop and roll skills - are you a volunteer fireman? 4:38 PM · 1/20/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 8
    Text - Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject My kids act like best friends. Best friends who draw "tattoos" on each other. And fight. And tell on each other to gain favor with me. Prison inmates. My kids act like prison inmates. 5:03 PM · 1/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 9
    Text - Roxi Horror @roxiqt I'm not usually the jealous type but whenever I hear about a ghost haunting someone else's house, I always wonder why my house wasn't good enough for them. 4:40 PM · 1/20/20 · TweetDeck
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  • 10
    Text - pilau @FU_TangClan Saying "see ya later alligator" - Played out - Wrong species - Likely to cause panic - Not everybody has seen an alligator Saying "Later potato" - Confusing Carb heavy Doesn't rhyme in most accents Most people have seen potatoes 11:55 AM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - Helen Kingston @kingstonwrites Still haunted by my GCSE German speaking exam when the examiner asked what I liked doing and I said reading and she asked what books I liked and I panicked and said the name of the only book I knew the title of in German. Yeah, that one. 3:38 AM · 1/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 12
    Text - Lady of house Snacks @KKalwaysSays <me driving home from the gym> How serendipitous, McDonald's is open. 4:50 PM · 1/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 13
    Text - Freudianscripts @freudianscript Someday I plan to write a best selling book that chronicles all the things I've said under my breath. 5:53 AM · 1/20/20 · Twitter Web Client
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  • 14
    Cartoon - GameStop O @GameStop GameStop Ready to have your mind blown? It's actually pronounced "GamesTop". Sorry i dont,speak wrong imaflip.com
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  • 15
    Text - Princess Vitarah O @PrincessVitarah tell me something i dont know BlacBMM @BlacB Your phone doesn't auto correct when you're typing in all caps because it thinks you are extremely angry and doesn't want to get involved.
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  • 16
    Text - JOSH @maneatsdragon if u see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
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  • 17
    Text - (678)-999-8212 @restinpeac... · 22h never drinking at the bowling alley again im mad i left my j's wtf 90 27 6779 ♡ 28,9K Q 118
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  • 18
    Text - zak @nottzak Damn nigga it's only been 5 days JS X @popit4jay - 1d march '15 we first started dating & march '20 our daughter will be here 4752 2:16 AM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Text - quinta brunson O @quintabrunson T AINT SCARED OF NOTHING Except undercooking chicken and everyone getting sick and having to go to the hospital and it's all my fault that's my deepest fear 11:51 PM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Text - t trey † @treyvxughn when you bring yo girl around yo homies and they all become comedians
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  • 21
    Face - Jordan @JaaayAllen "Alright since yah don't want to read, everybody clear their desks" STIRG @Stirgdatguy · Jan 19 Scopa tu manaa? 11:09 AM Jan 20, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 22
    Text - The Word of God @RCCGworldwide The Word Of God Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, but still changed the world. What's your excuse? valking @_valkiing He made what I wanted to make
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  • 23
    Food - PeterRock & WebsiteDesign @PeterROCK_ Do you also offer cleaning services, cos my wife and I won't be washing the plates after?? S tushaeyyy @Rac_Quel_ · 2d Cook for your husbands or l will Show this thread 2:16 AM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 24
    Facial expression - + @lvyKungu · 23h Ivycado I see baby Yoda, I'm hugging him. I see the other one and l'm grabbing salt. CB Comicbook.com @Comi... · 1d #BabyYoda might have some serious competition from this viral #BabyJabba fan art: comicbook.com/starwars/2020. 27 11.6K ♡ 77.1K 109 Show this thread
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  • 25
    Photo caption - ANTONIO @vntwOn3 3.8 Billion females on this earth and you trippin bout 1 ОГTH REN 4:24 PM · Jan 10, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone 3K Retweets 9.3K Likes
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  • 26
    Text - Pre K* @stayfrea_ I Remember When Breaking Up Was So Easy... Nowadays You Gotta Fight & Press Charges 9:57 PM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone 987 Retweets 3,873 Likes BORN JANUARY 28th @t... ·9h v Replying to @stayfrea_ Why is this funny Imao true asf 13 <]
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  • 27
    Organism - Juniper Lee @Wairimu_WaGitau When you think you're part of the inner circle and then boom! Omo kiikan @OmoKiikan · 14 Jan Bomboclaat 11:28 AM · 22 Jan 20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 28
    Statue - Yaér @lajoy1x New Tupac statute in Dallas, what's your thoughts TUPAC AMARU SHAKUR SEPTEMBER 13, 1996 TO JUNE 16, 1971 I'm not saying I'm gonna change the worid. but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change the world.
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  • 29
    Text - Lala e @_aylanna If we DO NOT communicate on the day that we made plans for.. THEN OUR PLANS ARE CANCELED! ERIC ADRIEN HD @L_DontCheat Jan 14 Bombaclaat? Show this thread RULes 11:12 AM - Jan 19, 2020 - Twitter for iPhone
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  • 30
    Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal My father was a tough man who said little & kept his feelings private, but our last moments together were the warmest l've felt--him wiping away my tears, saying he was sorry to go, giving me a thumbs up as I lowered him into a pit of molten steel. No sorry that was the end of T2 9:40 AM - 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 31
    Text - SparkNotes @SparkNotes Date me, I'm the whole package: - indecisive - dressed in all black the prince of Denmark, and rightful heir to the throne - just constantly yearning for death 9:46 AM - 1/22/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 32
    Text - CALEB HEARON @calebsaysthings first email to landlord: "hey dave l'm sure you're busy and I hate to be a bother but we noticed..." third email to landlord: "Mr. Whittington-I trust that you're familiar with all local, state, and federal ordinances regarding the rights and expectations of tenants pursuant t 4:14 PM · 1/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 33
    Text - Lord Hugh Mungus @PoodleSnarf I've known disappointment. I've had people cheat on me. But nothing will compare to the betrayal of having a firm grasp on three popcorn pieces only to have them fly apart an inch from my mouth 5:12 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 34
    Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 me: what's the weather today weatherman: party sunny me: and tomorrow? weatherman: partly cloudy me: what's the difference weatherman: me: weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much [a red dot appears on my forehead] 6:09 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 35
    Text - A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut Some of you walk around thinking blue raspberry flavor comes from an actual fruit and it shows. 5:46 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 36
    Text - Becca @BSnapz2019 There's nothing really more disappointing than when you're texting someone new and exciting (on an app that shows you when they're typing), and they type for a while and all you get is: 10:21 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 37
    Text - Lord Hugh Mungus @PoodleSnarf Apparently, ending every conversation with my boss with "Yes, my liege" and a deep bow followed by respectful backwards shuffling while avoiding eye contact is considered sarcastic 9:26 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 38
    Product - Sam @mastrap84 The toilet paper in this bathroom isn't on the roll and I went to grab it, bobbled it, and it rolled six feet away. Anyway, I live here now you guys. This is where I die. 6:07 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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