Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate February Horoscopes

Author image for satirequeen
satirequeen
Feb 12, 2020 9:00 AM EST

The stars are a bit like your therapist, your best friend, and your mom; sometimes they have good advice. Other times, they really, really don't. Either way, reading your horoscope is cheaper than therapy, so here are your 100% factually (maybe) accurate predictions for February.

And in case you missed it, check out your New Year's Horoscopes to get a full overview of your 2020 zodiac signs.

Advertisement

  • Capricorn

    Text - Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You started off the year with good intentions of getting your shit together but one thing is clear: you're not organized-you're just too lazy to search for stuff. They say February is a second chance at the New Year and thank goodness for do-overs. Stay focused and don't mess this up.
    via Cheezcake

  • Aquarius

    Text - Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You tried "dry January" and now that it's over, one thing is clear: it wasn't for you. While your friends were busy detoxing, you were drowning your 2020 blues in vodka, and now February is one giant hangover. It's time to switch over to water-just to surprise your liver.
    via Cheezcake

  • Pisces

    Text - Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) You've spent the past month and a half looking for someone to spend Valentine's Day with, but one thing is clear: it's a “nope" from Cupid this year. People call it Valentine's Day, but for you, it's just a normal day. But that's OK- 99% of your socks are single and you are no different.
    via Cheezcake

  • Aries

    Text - Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are susceptible to social pressures at work and one thing is clear: it's time to grow a pair because no one likes a pushover. Next time your coworker tells you not to eat your burger in front of her, tell her that we didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain for you to be vegan.
    via Cheezcake

  • Taurus

    Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've already broken your New Year's resolutions and one thing is clear: you lack perspective. Setting the bar too low will only lead to laziness, but being realistic clearly makes you complacent. But, if you set impossible goals, you'll never be disappointed when you fail. #LifeHack
    via Cheezcake

  • Gemini

    Text - Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your dreams may be disrupting your sleep, but one thing is clear: you can't wake up from a nightmare when your whole life is a nightmare. This February, get out the house, breath some fresh air into your lungs. and try to eat some f*cking vegetables. Your skin will thank you.
    via Cheezcake

  • Cancer

    Text - Cancer (June 21.- July 22) Your relationship is crumbling, but one thing is clear: ain't nobody got time for that. You're stressed about money and you're sick of his nonsense. Those who say that love is more important than money have clearly never tried paying their bills with a hug. It's time to ditch him. Stat.
    via Cheezcake

  • Leo

    Text - Leo (Juty 23 August 22). Your late night snacking is out of control but one thing is clear: you don't care. You justify it by telling yourself "if we weren't meant to eat at night, there wouldn't be a light in the fridge", but deep down you know that's nonsense. Try not having so much sugar after 7 pm. It's life-changing.
    via Cheezcake

  • Virgo

    Text - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22). You told yourself that you would exercise more in 2020 but one thing is clear: you are a lazy sh*t, Life is stressful, but using it as an excuse to stay home just isn't good enough. Luckily, every day is leg day when you're running away from your problems, but now it's time to tackle your abs.
    via Cheezcake

  • Libra

    Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22), You may have had your heart broken six months ago, but one thing is clear: Are you single? Yes. Are you emotionally unavailable? Also yes. It's time to be more approachable, and getting rid of the massive "F*ck off" sign on your forehead is a goód place to start. Cupid is watching!
    via Cheezcake

  • Scorpio

    Text - Scörpio (0ct 23 -Nov 21) Your jealousy issues are becoming a problem and one thing is clear: you hate them cause you aint them. But you need to remember that if the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. This February, be your own valentine. Some self-love goes a long way.
    via Cheezcake

  • Saggitarius

    Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Your Instagram account has been shut down and one thing is clear: bad things do happen to good people. But life is testing you and you can't let your setbacks get the better of you. Start a new Instagram account and tell your haters where to stick it. Show February who is boss!
    via Cheezcake

Tags

horoscope zodiac satire star sign
Scroll Down For The Next Article