Although Once Related to Impressive Beasts, the Modern House Cat has Drifted Far From Their Mighty Predecessors

Written by Guest Writer:
Jessy Kessely is too old to be TikTok famous, too young to own a house, but just the right age to have spent $.99 cents on a ringtone. She’s a writer who grew up with AOL Instant Messenger, a dying Neopet, and unsupervised internet time—and she’s got the sardonic humor to prove it. Maybe not getting murdered on Chat Roullette means that Jessy can live another day to write about stuff.

Mimi, a gray British shorthair cat, has become famous on TikTok for her disdainful looks, sassy demeanor, and all-around cat-ness. As a purr-fect example of the feebleness of modern felines, Mimi has become an icon. A far cry from her toothy ancestors, Mimi can be seen gorging on soft food, laying in the sun, and wearing tiny cat clothing, while being the most adorable, floof ball on the internet. 

12,000 years ago, however, Mimi's ancestor, a viscous land predator walked the plains of North America, devouring prey nearly twice its size. For a saber tooth tiger that weighs nearly 600lbs, that’s one hefty dinner. The saber tooth tiger, which went extinct several millenniums ago, was a predator almost the size of the African Lion, one of the largest modern carnivorous mammals. Largely distinguished by their 8 inch long canine teeth, the saber tooth tiger was quite terrifying, especially because they could unhinge their jaws like a python (almost 120°!)  to consume large bites of prey. Not only that, but these fluffy slabs of muscle could run up to 40mph. Good luck outrunning that. 
 

Fast-forward a couple thousand years and these impressive beasts were genetically watered down to what we all fondly call the house cat. 

@mimi_starr

Quite frankly, we can all be happy that cats like Mimi are no longer 600lbs, they would wreak havoc on our homes. Say goodbye to your macramé, good luck getting it to the vet, and don’t even get me started on the hairballs! It turns out, modern society doesn’t want mammalian predators running around; we want spike-toothed puffs with fluttering tails and delightful mews that knead our legs and claim our artfully selected furniture for themselves. We want cat hair in every corner and to be stomped on while we sleep. We want gluten-free food cans piling up in the kitchen and we want a buddy to join us in the bathroom. So, respectfully, thank God saber tooth tigers have been bred out of our feline companions, modernity couldn’t handle it if we had to share a bed with an 8ft long, fanged, meat-eater. 
 

Although they occasionally demonstrate their ancestral prowess—jumping atop high shelves, scratching your toddler’s face, and devouring the legs of an unlucky lizard—house cats are typically quite docile and needy. Oftentimes, a house cat needs special food for belly aches, constant affection, and, as TikToker @mimi_starr shows, sufficient booty pats before making space on the couch. 

Pss pss pss…