Man Complains About Cat To HR, Who Is His Other Cat
This story originally appeared on HardTimes.net, a satirical website, and was written by Jerrod Kingery.
But it's simply too good not to share with all of you.
We're all cooped up indoors, at the moment, and some are having a way more difficult time than others. No, parents, we're not talking about you -- but seriously, kudos. We're talking about Anthony Skipper.
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Like many of us, Anthony Skipper is stuck working from home and have realized his new fuzzy co-worker isn't exactly ideal...
Apparently, Skipper's cat Nickels has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever.
"I mean, it's been non-stop harassment since I set up my desktop computer in my home office. As soon as Nickels got done batting the keyboard cable dangling off the edge, she kept fucking switching between maniacally licking me and biting me on my calf," Skipper told HardTimes.net.
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What does one do in a situation like this? Report the issues to HR, of course! Skipper had forwarded his compliant about Nickels to his RP rep, Sassafras, who is his other cat.
Apparently, the tension between Nickels and Skipper has simply grown unbearable, when Skipper first adopted him from the local shelter years ago.
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“When I found cat barf on my stack of invoices and saw Nickels just staring at me from on top of the bookcase, I’d had it. So I went straight to Sassy… and she didn’t give two shits. --
-- She just slowly closed her eyes, turned her head and started licking between her toes," Skipper's testimony stated.
"What the fuck is the point of having cat HR if cat HR doesn't take things seriously?" Skipper added.
A question we've all often pondered.
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Eventually, Skipper's HR director, a woman named Andrea Garza, intervened and provided some co-working-coexisting-wisdom:
"Frankly, Anthony needs to learn how to co-exist in the same workplace as Nickels. From what I understand after speaking with Sassafras, Anthony's frustration stems from a cultural disagreement: Nickels is a cat, and cats are going to walk across your computer's keyboard to eat a bug, or knock over your monitor when they accidentally dunk their tail in your coffee. Honestly, if Anthony won't come around, he may need to pursue other opportunities. We don't tolerate discrimination here."
Harsh but necessary.
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And funny enough, as this story was making it to press, it was Skipper who was written up by Sassafras for placed a dead snake on Nickels desk, claiming it to be a "harmless prank."
Sorry, Skipper. We're going to have to take Sassafras side here, she seems to really be pillar in this household and perhaps single-handily saving this company from disaster.
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