Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate July Horoscopes

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satirequeen
Jul 8, 2020 1:30 PM EDT

Forgive us for being a little late with your horoscopes this month, but we've been busy bees. With July seeing the world getting into somewhat of a semblance of normality, we thought it was time to serve you a big ol' slice of reality pie. Therapy might be expensive, but star signs are not. So before you go investing in finding a shrink, check out what we have to say about your upcoming month. Pay attention, we know what we're talking about! 

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  • Capricorn

    Text - no Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Here we are again. Another month has gone by and you're still no closer to having that difficult conversation with you know who. It's time to face the music and grow a pair. Honestly. Just do it.
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  • Aquarius

    Text - Aquarius (Jan 20 Feb 18) You need to stop letting your ovaries rule your life. You might be broody, but it's causing everyone you know to hide their kids when you approach. Be less baby obsessed and more self obsessed. Work on yourself now, babies will come.
    via cheezcake

  • Pisces

    Text - Pisces (Feb 19 March 20) Your hard exterior is confusing people. You're really a soft chocolate pudding inside but you're extremely hard to crack. Be more like a chocolate mouse: soft and mushy on the outside too. Also, be delicious.
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  • Aries

    Text - Aries (March 21 - April 19) You think you're outgoing, but unfortunately, everyone else thinks you're psycho. This month you should work on leaving some ofthe crazy at home. In a locked drawer. And then throw away the key. But seriously though, chill the f*ck out.
    via cheezcake

  • Taurus

    Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may know what's going on in everyone else's life, but you have no idea what's going on in yours. It's time to change that. Self- reflection is key for progression and it's what you desperately need. That, and a lot of therapy.
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  • Gemini

    Text - Gemini (May 21 June 20) All your analogies to describe the 'deep concepts'you've read online are making you sound like an idiot. People are beginning to think you've joined a new-age, bullsh*t cult. Be normal again.
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  • Cancer

    Text - Cancer (June 21.- July 22) Lockdown is beginning to ease up, and although it fills you with exestential dread to reenter society, it's time. Throw on a pair of heels, and whip out your best face mask for a much needed trip to your local alcohol- serving establishment.
    via cheezcake

  • Leo

    Text - Leo (Juty 23 August 22). You're a social butterfly, and the influencer of your friendship group. But, with that much power comes a lot of responsibility and you need to keep check of the cr*p you're posting on your Instagram page. Remember: you are not an actual influencer.
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  • Virgo

    Text - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22). Your inhibitions f*cked off during lockdown and you feel like a free spirited animal who has just been unleashed into the world. Use your newfound energy to find love this month. Be. An. Animal (if you know what I mean).
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  • Libra

    Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22), Oh, dear Libra. You're so close to becoming the 'new you' you've been talking about for so long, but you've still got a way to go.. Keep up the therapy. It's working. But also stop hooking up with him. That, is not working.
    via cheezcake

  • Scorpio

    Text - Scörpio (0ct 23 -Nov 21) There's not much to say, because you already know what I'm going to say. Because you know everything. You Scorpios need to take a couple of bites of Humble Pie, and then some chill pills. You don't always have to be in control
    via cheezcake

  • Sagittarius

    Sky - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) You're an adventurous spirit, but not adventurous enough. You need to widen your circle and break down the box you've put yourself in. You will thank yourself (and me) later. BREAK DOWN THE BOX!
    via cheezcake

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