Your 100% Factually (Maybe) Accurate September Horoscopes

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satirequeen
Sep 7, 2020 2:00 PM EDT

September has begun, and you know what that means? There's only one more month until we can say "next month, there's only one month until the last month of 2020." Did that give you a headache? Me too, but that's OK because Autumn brings with it pumpkin-spiced everything, and nothing bad can happen when you've got a Salted Caramel Pumpkin Latte in your hand. But let's not tempt fate.

Just in case, we've checked to see what the celestial bodies have in store for you this month. Because with one quarter left of 2020, surely things can't get any worse. Right?! Here are your September horoscopes, based on... well, not much to be honest with you. 

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  • Capricorn

    Text - no Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) We know you Capricorns take yourselves super seriously, but it's only three weeks into the semester. You can afford to relax a little. Also, a mask that covers your nose and mouth is good enough. The balaclava is totally unnecessary. Chill the f*ck out!
    via cheezcake

  • Aquarius

    Text - Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) All those hours spent over-analyzing his texts, wondering why he didn't call you back, and letting him give you every excuse under the sun were totally wasted. The harsh truth? He's just not that into you, sis! Move on and socially-distance shag someone new.
    via cheezcake

  • Pisces

    Text - Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) Your embarrassing outburst in the office zoom meeting the other day has not been forgotten. It was a painfully stark reminder for you that if you're questioning whether it's too early for a Mimosa, it probably is. This month, get your drinking habits under control, before you lose your job and your last shred of dignity.
    via cheezcake

  • Aries

    Text - Aries (March 21 - April 19) Autumn is just around the corner and you couldn't be more excited. You've already got your UGG boots out (circa 2008), and you can't wait to drown yourself in pumpkin-spiced caramel lattes. As tempting as it is to go full 'BASIC AF', it just doesn't suit you. Tone it down, you'll thank me later.
    via cheezcake

  • Taurus

    Text - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You came, you saw, you made it awkward. But story of your life, right? Next time you're invited for brunch at the new neighbors, try filtering just a little bit. Asking someone when they're due, who isn't pregnant (as it turns out) isn't going to help you make friends. You might be a bull, but be a tactful one. a.
    via cheezcake

  • Gemini

    Text - Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As someone who tends to judge things and people too quickly, take this month to reassess your prejudices. Being judgy is exhausting. Not all men want to sleep with you. Not all women hate you. Not all carbs will make you fat. Release your judgments and life will be more relaxing. You'll see!
    via cheezcake

  • Cancer

    Text - Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Cancers are overly protective, but when you're in your mid-30's, that should no longer include your virginity. Come on girl, give it up! Download Tinder, swipe right on basically everyone, and find yourself a willing young man who can show you what you've been missing. IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE PLUNGE!
    via cheezcake

  • Leo

    Text - Leo (July 23 - August 22) 10 You're a fixer, and it shows. Whether it's fixing your hair (which doesn't need to be fixed) or your boyfriend (who also, doesn't need to be fixed), you need to relinquish some control. Instead, focus on what you do have. I.e. fabulous hair, a great boyfriend, and some serious anxiety. This is the month to get it sorted!
    via cheezcake

  • Virgo

    Text - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22). You're smart as hell, which is why you're known as the brains of your friendship group. But when it comes to texting your crush, your brain turns to mush, and your intelligence goes out the window. This month, it's time to improve your sexting skills. Because nothing kills a vibe more than answering "an old t-shirt" when he asks you what you're wearing for bed.
    via cheezcake

  • Libra

    Text - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22). You think you're unique because your hormones are out of wack right now, but news flash: so are everyone's! It's been a crazy year and mood swings are off the charts. Try and channel your energy into some self-care this month, and invest in some bath salts. Or some vodka. Or both!
    via cheezcake

  • Scorpio

    Text - m. Scorpio (Oct 23 -Nov 21) This is a month of rest and recharge for you, dear Scorpios. And that doesn't mean staying up until 4 am looking at videos of cats on your phone. If you're in bed, go to sleep! Your meltdowns over the past few months have proved that you need your eighth hours. A rested body means a rested mind.
    via cheezcake

  • Sagittarius

    Text - Saggítarius (Nov 22 Dec 21) Your rebellious streak is coming to an end. Yes, that's right, it's time to reign it in. This is the month to do things by the book, which includes wearing your mask on your mouth AND nose. Don't be the a**hole that puts everyone else in danger, so you can live your belated teenage life in your 30's. It's unbecoming!
    via cheezcake

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