Guys All Women Encounter On New Years Eve

• The Luxurious Lush

  
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  In honor of the big night, this guy keeps it classy with high-shelf liquor only. None of that cheap sh*t you and your friends are used to. He's generous with his credit card too, treating you and the entire bar to the best quality spirits for the night.

  You've never been so thoroughly booze banqueted before; he'll shower you with Patron, Hennessy, Johnie Walker, the works. After the inevitable midnight kiss, you might just invite this wealthy, giving Finance Bro back to yours for a more intimate shower. Perhaps he'll be giving in other ways too.

  
  

  
  

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• The Drunk Dunce

  
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  Thanks to the Luxurious Lush's open tab, this dude is so f*cked up that it's cute. He spends the night dancing like a madman, occasionally stopping to look for his friends like a lost puppy. It becomes abundantly clear that he's not exactly sure where he is. Whatever, a party is a party.

  Once that high-quality liquor hits, you'll take a break from flirting with the Luxurious Lush to rage your ass off with this adorable drunkard. 2021? More like Twenty Twenty Fun!

  
  

  
  

• The Intellectual Cynic

  
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  When you take a breath from dancing in the corner of the venue, the Intellectual Cynic will be waiting to unleash a tsunami of critical commentary upon you. He'll start off with how New Years is one big marketing, capitalist scheme, and then delve into how we shouldn't even be celebrating another year that is likely to be even worse than 2020, riddled with poverty, unemployment, climate change, and low-tier memes.

  The only reason he's here is because his friends talked him into it. Same, but you've already spent the majority of 2020 thinking, bitching, and ranting way too much. The last thing you wanna do right now is think. Get this depresso dude a  much-needed drink, and sashay off to dance 2020 away

  
  

  
  

• The Shining, Shimmering, Splendid Stud

  
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  You thought your sparkly dress was something? No matter what you're wearing, this stud has outdone you with a freaking slim fitted tux, a sparkly bow tie, shoes shined to the nines, and a blinding, pearly white smile.

  Evidently, he came dressed to impress, and dayuuuum, color you impressed. There's an aura of mystery around him that you can't quite pinpoint, but you intend to find out. When the clock strikes 12 and your lips meet, you're guaranteed this shining, shimmering, splendid stud can show you the world… and more. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

  
  

  
  

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• The Self-Sabotage Single

  
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  There are loads of single people to go around at a New Years party, but this dude seems to think he's the only one. While all the other singles are working hard on locking down a midnight kiss, The Self-Sabotage Single is hardly working. He's too busy moping to anyone who will listen. Apparently, his ex broke up with him right before the New Year, which is the reason why his cat is the only female in his life he can trust at the moment.

  Like, dude, this party is a major opportunity for the start of something new with someone new, and you're managing to f*ck it up. His loss. Maybe he'll find love in 2022 when he's finally gotten over her.

  
  

  
  

• The Slumber Party Animal

  
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  His idea of a good time is being in bed with a good book by 9 PM. Nonetheless, New Years requires him to be out and about with the boys, and he has no intention of raining on their party parade.

  Alas, his body isn't used to staying out this late, so he's been yawning since he's arrived. As much as he tries to make it till midnight, he passes out by the bar by 10:45 PM, stone-cold sober. You can't say he didn't try his best.

  
  

  
  

• The Designated Driver

  
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  Somebody's gotta drive all you crazy kids home at the end of this epically overrated night. It seems like offering to be the designated driver is this guy's first selfless deed of 2021, or he just has an awfully good time partying sober. Either way, give this MVP a medal! Or even your number if you're feeling particularly generous in honor of January 1st, 2022.

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