'Dear Karen': The New Advice Column Dishing Out Entitlement On A Weekly Basis (January 11, 2021)

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abbyadler
Jan 11, 2021 2:00 PM EST

No one in your life seems to understand that you deserve your world and more. No one except your local neighborhood Karen! Imagine a reality where you could get whatever you want when you want it.

Karen is here to offer you weekly quality advice, advice that will guarantee your best life from here on out. Screw the managers you've dealt with in the past, and embrace Karen as your life manager instead!

For more incredible advice from Karen, email dearkaren.cheezcake@gmail.com.


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  • Chin - Dear Karen. I am a super health-conscious gluten-free vegan humbly attempting to change the world. Last week, I begrudgingly attended a friend's birthday dinner at a steakhouse. I was appalled to see that the only vegan options they offered were salad and bread. Did I mention that I was gluten-free?! My friends insisted I order the salad, but I couldn't stand for that one measly option HAPPY NEEDLESS TURKEY MURDER DAY! and spent the rest of the night starving. How would you handle being f
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  • Text - Dear Vivacious Vegan, I love a good smokehouse BBQ just as much as the next person (my nephew Kyle makes a mean 4th of July brisket), but everyone involved in your letter sounds extremely ill- mannered. The birthday girl should have ensured your dietary needs 88 were met, the chef should have had the common decency to whip something special up for a paying customer...
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  • Text - ..and your "friends" should have thrown the table in this second-rate 88 establishment the second your request was denied. Hopefully, you didn't leave a tip. On the next outing, pick a restaurant that suits you. If your friends fail to respect your venue of choice, don't bother gracing them with your presence. - Karen
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  • Text - Dear Karen. A Walmart employee stopped my family on the way out of the store. Apparently, my precious Jackson had accidentally taken a couple of chocolate goodie bags and toys without paying for them. When the employee tried to take the items back, Jackson punched, kicked, and Strangerdanger yelled "Stranger Danger!" just like I taught him..
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  • Text - Shoulder - .The employee then proceeded to ask me to put masks on my children, and that was the last straw! First, physically assaulting my child, and now this?! I was so distraught I pushed him in self-defense, which resulted in security removing us HÓW DARE THEY? from the premises. Apparently, we're not allowed back now. They punished us for nothing! What do you suggest I do to get back at the employee that got us banned from Walmart? - Mama Bear
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  • Text - Text - Dear Mama Bear, Can I just say how proud I am of you for protecting your son from that horrid employee? Danger surrounds our children from all angles on a daily basis, and we're the only ones who can protect them in this world that has evidently lost its sense of family values. The employee was clearly out of line, and I have a couple of suggestions for you... 88
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  • Text - Text - Wait for him at a distance at the end of his shift so you could pinpoint where he parks his car. Then, carve 88 "Child Abuser" on his hood because it's imperative that everyone knows what this man is capable of. Notify and gather all your mom friends to rally outside the Walmart and demand termination of his employment immediately. If all else fails, resort to calling the police on him...
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  • Text - Text - To guarantee your entry into Walmart again, take on security with your lady friends and storm the store together in 88 protest of the ban the store has imposed on your family. In addition, write a passionate letter to the CEO describing your ordeal with the unqualified employee, and detailing your integral role as a mother and a regular paying customer. Remember: the CEO needs YOU for business, not the other way around! Karen
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  • Purple - /// Any burning personal questions you would love to ask Karen? Email us at dearkaren.cheezcakeegmail.com A CHEEZCAKE FEATURE
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