Funny Tweets And Tumblr Gems To Push Back The Darkness With A Broom

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Aug 13, 2021 7:00 PM EDT

Life is like that ghost level from Mario, and the ghost is your problems, but when you turn around to look at it, the ghost just gets faster. So here's to living a life of granularity, finding smaller and smaller minutia to occupy our ever-fractalizing minds. Oh, and here's some more funny tweets and tumblr gems to kick boredom in the groin.

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  • 01
    Food - mitochondriaandbunnies Follow 1/3 Colavita ad 1912 PASTA DI OUALITA LONG ZITI COONG TIME NET WT. 16 OZ. (ILB.) (454g) 2/3 Dan and I bought a thing called "long ziti" from the local Weird Bargain Store, largely as a joke, but.. I have never had a more unsettling pasta experience in my life. They wouldn't bend enough to cook from top to bottom simultaneously, and while they were cooking boiling water kept spouting out from the tops of them out of the pot, like a boiling pipe organ. 3/3 Then
    via BleebBloop
  • 02
    Font - Font - Shayne Smith @Shaydozer ... Gonna ask 4 separate girls on dates to the same place at the same time and then when they arrive and realize what has happened l'm gonna come out and try to talk them into playing Dungeons & Dragons.
    via BleebBloop
  • 03
    Font - Property - Nathan Thomas @isosmrt My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now l'll never sleep again
    via BlueTrick
  • 04
    Purple - charlesoberonn Follow Broke: Barbie's many different careers are a way to sell dolls and accessories to little kids. Woke: Barbie had every single one of those careers and is an immortal timeless being. Bespoke: Barbie's different careers are different versions of Barbie from across the multiverse who occasionally swap place with each other or combine into one Barbie. charlesoberonn Follow lesbian-moze into the barbieverse princesstadashi Follow 2/3 SO THERE'S SOMETHING Y'ALL SHOULD KNO
    via BleebBloop
  • 05
    Font - EAT THE RICH @fuckjeffbezOs doctor: you have a disease which makes you speak in palindromes me: wow doctor: the good news is it's not serious me: yay doctor: the bad news is you've just given it to me me: i did, did i? doctor: dammit i'm mad 11:44 AM · 2/18/20 · Twitter for Android
    via BleebBloop
  • 06
    Font - Font - moose @tiemoose tiemoore date: want some of my cheesecake? me: oh i don't eat dairy date: why not? me: [terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape] milk makes me s' it myself 5:22 am · 4/7/19 · Twitter for Android
    via BlueTrick
  • 07
    Font - Organism - stuart fiddle @_NoOneYouKnow_ Neighbor: hey just so you know l invited Dan to the dinner party! Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can't spell? *phone chimes* [Text from Dan]I can't wait to meat your friend tonight! Neighbor: yeah I'm not sure
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 08
    Font - bogleech Don't feel bad if you're sensitive to negative feedback because apparently after one particular bad review Hans Christian Andersen was found just sobbing while lying face down in the dirt cousinnick YOU LEFT OUT THE BEST PART THOUGH! HE WAS CRYING FACE DOWN IN THE DIRT IN CHARLES DICKENS YARD
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  • 09
    Plant - when you're not good at expressing emotions but the right people get you Shroomish looks happy.
    via BleebBloop
  • 10
    Font - ditch pony @molly7anne Me: *smoking a dog treat like a cigarette* ya know. in the scheme of things. houses are just Tupperware and we are God's leftovers. My therapist, visibly shaking: How did you get in my bathtub? 3:11 PM 3/10/19 Twitter for iPhone
    via BleebBloop
  • 11
    Font - dicaeopolis astronomy club sent up a weather balloon w a gopro in it last friday. put in three packs of fruit snacks so they could have a giggle over eating fruit snacks that had been to space. balloon went up into inner space, about 90,000 feet. came down right near the dinosaur park. a few physics teachers drive out to get it, crack it open on the way home to start watching the footage. fruit snacks are missing. multiple sources confirm that fruit snacks were put in balloon and sealed i
    via BleebBloop
  • 12
    Font - mof middleclassfancy @midclassfancy People who use the word "adulting" listen to Imagine Dragons on their way to work
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 13
    Product - Claudius @xclaudius Sleep Hack: Keep Your Feet Outside Your Covers By Melissa Dahl
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 14
    Font - longnightsandterriblefights: siriuslysalvatore: are you ever just reading a book and you come across word that you don't know how to pronounce so you just go afkjhjdsfsjkdhs in your head when it's someone's name and you have to keep doing that for the rest of the book
    via BleebBloop
  • 15
    Font - Emmanuel Missionary Baptist Church REMEMBER SATAN WAS THE FIRST TO DEMAND EQUAL RIGHTS I hate living in Texas. Can't tell if this is anti-equal rights or pro-satan I'm deciding this is pro-satan
    via BleebBloop
  • 16
    Furniture - J.Ashlee @NaeDeLaTrill So people really out here putting hot sauce in the fridge? Win Tyler Chambers @skinny_que The back of the bottle literally says "refrigerate after opening" and y'all still put it in the cabinet. Y'all don't follow directions and that's why y'all keep getting pregnant.
    via BlueTrick
  • 17
    Font - Tig Notaro @TigNotaro I can relate to blenders because I also scream while l'm doing my job.
    via BlueTrick
  • 18
    Jaw - itsnewyearnewme @itsnewyearnewme Bar: This wine is $14/glass Me: Perfect Grocery store: This wine is $17/bottle Me: No
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 19
    Facial expression - i have a very vivid memory of a girl in primary school asking how to spell my name just so she could add me to her “not invited to my party" list
    via BlueTrick
  • 20
    Jaw - Marf @MarfSalvador [being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
    via BlueTrick
  • 21
    Rectangle - stefan heck @boring as_heck [mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
    via BlueTrick
  • 22
    Font - random-ferret I read that capsaicin makes your mouth feel like it's burning because it increases your nerve sensitivity to heat, and menthol works by doing the same thing to cold So if I eat a habanero pepper and then chew a bunch of breath mints they'll each other out and l'll be fine P random-ferret Hey guess what hellfire tastes like Source: random-ferret #is it bad i wanna try now
    via BlueTrick
  • 23
    Jaw - Olly iConic @OllyiConic wife: i'm going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these >
    via BlueTrick
  • 24
    Forehead - Hacker: I have all of your passwords Me who forgot them:
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 25
    Font - Product - Victoria Aveyard @VictoriaAveyard all writers should have doctor friends Traducir del inglés Today 10:09 AM Can you get internal bleeding, like coughing up blood, from broken ribs and blunt force trauma to the abdomen Yes Excellent Delivered
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 26
    Font - tatum @50FirstTates doctor: time to test ur reflexes me: *dodges little knee hammer* doctor: [under breath] holy s'.t
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 27
    Font - Aaron Chewning @AaronChewning apparently my aunt fell at a winery and got a concussion so I said Sauvignon Bonk in the family chat and no one acknowledged it OO6
    via TheCrowGirl
  • 28
    Font - Jay Hulme @JayHulmePoet - 18h I feel like people who hate bagpipes kind of miss the whole point of them. They're not dainty instruments, they're not here to make you tap your fingers on table tops, they're here to smash right into your chest and make you face every emotion you've repressed this century. ta 117 26 486 Biggest f king mood. sinnahsaint They're also meant for hiltops, not small rooms. Cant get the right reverb with all that echo. anais-ninja-bitch they're also meant to make y
    via BleebBloop
  • 29
    Jaw - Angela @angelamarie85 Someone told me signing my emails with "Best" is passive aggressive so I'm changing it to "See you in hell" to eliminate any confusion 12:14 PM · 5/18/21 · Twitter Web App
    via TheCrowGirl

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jokes tumblr gems clever lol ridiculous silly dumb funny tweets funny
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