Dropping My Fire Skincare Routine So Y'all Can Be As Fresh And Youthful As A Baby's Bottom Forever

• 01

  Flex your big-ass water bottle to everyone

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  If you haven't yet purchased an obnoxiously and unnaturally large water bottle, then you may not be ready for the skincare journey program, young grasshopper. Once you acquire a gallon water bottle, make sure to carry it around with you everywhere you go, like your literal baby. Be sure to mention the wonders that this bottle is doing to your skin to everyone in your life regularly for optimal results. 

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• 02

  Apply sunscreen every twenty minutes

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  The experts recommend applying sunscreen every two hours, but in my very serious skin care program, we go above and beyond. Quit the child's play, and start applying that sh*t every twenty minutes. You'll be thanking me later when your face is even softer than a baby's bottom.

  
  

  
  

• 03

  Upgrade from just the silk pillowcase to silk everything

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  Silk pillowcases won't do your skin justice. Like I said, if you're riding with me, you're going all in. 100% pure silk blankets, sheets, clothing, lingerie, scrunchies - your precious skin should come into contact with silk and only silk. While this might put a damper on your bank account short-term, the money will be rolling in from your future sugar daddies as a result of the forever youth that your new silk lifestyle guarantees. It's a long-term investment. 

• 04

  Hang out with people younger than you

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  Talking about 401Ks, stocks, and investments will only age you. The only investment you should be focused on right now is your skin. Friends that are already popping out babies? Cut them off immediately. Discussing the responsibility of children will only age you even more. Unfortunately, you might have to stoop as low as befriending the college interns. The more time you spend chatting with them about tailgating and dick appointments, the younger your skin will appear.

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• 05

  Refrain from showing any signs of life throughout the day

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  Facial expressions, emotions, and signs of humanity are canceled. I know it's hard not to react to office tea, but anti-aging is also a full-time job. 

• 06

  Master the Smize

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  I'm not an absolute monster, so I'll allow emotion into your life in extremely small increments. If you didn't indulge in America's Next Top Model back in the day, it's never too late. Legendary supermodel Tyra Banks taught us the art of the Smize - AKA smiling with your eyes - and she's still teaching it today. The Smize is the one emotion you're entitled to a day, so master it accordingly. 

• 07

  Replenish your skin through men’s tears

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  Mother Gothel is perceived as the villain in Rapunzel for using Rapunzel's gold hair to maintain her youth, but I just see an innovative woman getting what's hers. It's time to get what's ours, Cheezcakers. Since you're not entitled to crying (remember: smizing ONLY), you need to rely on someone else's tears for this one. Whether it takes bringing up their childhood traumas or making them fall in love with you only to break their hearts, just get out there and make these dudes cry. Apparently, lysozyme, an enzyme known for killing bacteria, is present in our tears, so we have no choice but to implement human tears into our routines. Cozy up to him feigning concern, but what you're really doing is making sure some of his precious lysozyme-soaked tears are making contact with your own face. 

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• 08

  Solve breakdowns with sheet masks

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  Emotional breakdowns definitely go against policy. We would recommend therapy, but that would inevitably lead to emotional breakdowns. Instead, we prescribe sheet masks in your times of need. They may not get rid of your problems entirely, but they cover them up for the time being, just like a band-aid.

  
  

  
  

• 09

  Put on hot tunes regularly

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  If you feel hot, you'll be hot. It's called manifesting - look it up, sweetie. My go-to playlists include Lana del Rey, Nicki Minaj, and Ariana Grande. A personal favorite that I like to implement into my weekly routine is Ariana's single No Tears Left To Cry, as it serves as a constant reminder that I should never be the one crying ever because emotions are illegal.

  
  

  
  

• 10

  Reach skincare influencer status

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  Once you've mastered all of the above, you're officially ready to meet me as master status: the influencer. People are going to be begging you for the secret to your glow, and you gotta give the people what they want. The only way to maintain your glow? Sharing your secrets with others - duh. Why else would I be here? Out of the goodness of my heart?! LOL. So get out there and spread your skincare wings. See you on the socials, butterflies.

  
  

  Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor.  

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