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01
The Patriots
"Bill Belichick is rich, but he dresses like a homeless person. He's basically my hero." -
02
The Jets
"Come to New York and you'll see all the plebeians and their Jason Pierre-Paul jerseys. That also happens to be my boyfriend's name. No, just his first name. Jason-Pierre-Paul." -
03
The Bills
"Small-market franchises are the best franchises, especially ones that never win. Less fans, less mainstream." -
04
The Dolphins
"You live on land? Land? Next thing you know, you'll be telling me your favorite underground band is Mumford & Sons. Yuck." -
05
The Titans
"We used to be the Houston Oilers until 1998. Good for us for shedding such a filthy capitalist name." -
06
The Texans
"I was trying to pick a number to put on my cashmere Texans jersey. I thought I should follow Matt Schaub's example, so I picked 6." -
07
The Colts
"Just look at Andrew Luck. If that beard doesn't scream "owns a local microbrewery in Zionsville," I don't know what does." -
08
The Jaguars
"Can you name a single player on the Jaguars besides Maurice Jones-Drew? That's what I thought." -
09
The Bengals
"Andy Dalton's nickname is the Red Rocket, which is also the nickname of my vintage Schwinn Phantom." Well played, Andy. -
10
The Browns
"The helmet is now as much of an eyesore as watching the Browns play." -
11
The Steelers
"My Subaru gets immaculate gas mileage. Franco Harris would be proud. Not that I care. I don't care what anyone thinks." -
12
The Ravens
"You're not a true Ravens fan until you've been shot at least three times." -
13
The Chiefs
"Andy Reid is terrible at time management. Then again, I'm 35 and unemployed, so I can't judge him too hard." -
14
The Chargers
"Another year, another playoff loss. I call this my "tear coaster." #filter" -
15
The Broncos
"Peyton Manning has more records than my vinyl collection." -
16
The Raiders
"None of my scarves match my black and silver space pirate outfit. Whatever, I'll just listen to the game on the radio." -
17
The Giants
"Eli Manning is the less popular Manning brother. I love him for that." -
18
The Eagles
"I originally thought that The Silver Linings Playbook was called The Silver Linens Playbook. More disappointing than Chip Kelly's offense." -
19
The Cowboys
"Everything's more mainstream in Texas." -
20
The Redskins
"If RGIII needs a new leg brace, I've got a few pairs of skinny jeans he can have." -
21
The Falcons
"Matt Ryan's nickname is Matty Ice, which sounds too much like Natty Ice, which is for plebeian bro scum. No thank you." -
22
The Buccaneers
"What do you call gluten intolerance in a pirate?"
"Seven Sea-liac disease. You didn't laugh? Me neither. Laughing is stupid." -
23
The Saints
"WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT? No one knows, they're too underground." -
24
The Panthers
"I wear a scarf because it can get cold down here in Charlotte. Why, just yesterday it was 65 degrees. Also, my 4.5% body fat doesn't provide much insulation." -
25
The Packers
"We're the only publicly owned major sports franchise in North America. Also, the cheese on our heads is 100% organic and locally grown. Checkmate." -
26
The Bears
"Yes, my moustache looks just like Mike Ditka's. No, I don't want to join your little Superfans club. Clubs are for sheeple." -
27
The Lions
"Detroit's population has gone down by 25% since 2000. Does that mean it's going back underground after being mainstream?" -
28
The Vikings
"I'm squinting because I left my Ray Ban Wayfarers at home by accident. Oh well, it's not like I'd be able to see a passing game anyway." -
29
The Seahawks
"Russell Wilson is getting a new contract next season. It's a 7-year deal that includes a fair trade clause." -
30
The 49ers
"The Catch is the greatest play in NFL history. Pitchfork agrees with me: they gave it a 6.4 out of 10." -
31
The Cardinals
"I hate it here. The sun is destroying my pale complexion. Also, the energy consumption of all of the A/C units is appalling." -
32
The Rams
"Remember the Greatest Show on Turf? That wasn't turf. It was wheat grass. You're welcome."
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