Funny Tweets From The Crackling, Popping World Of Twitter

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Mar 21, 2022 2:00 PM EDT

Sometimes it feels like we're all born to wake up, go to work and die. And then we're reminded that there's actually more to life than that. And that's not just TV, it's also paying attention to the weird things that other people see. At least there are other people to look at this whole thing and collectively notice every single little strange thing about it. Life is weird and specific. There are all these fractalizing eddies of meaning just waiting to be unlocked, and the key to accessing the roller coaster of life is acknowledging that every bit of it can be exciting. 

So while Twitter is mostly just morons posting the absolute worst takes of all time, it's also a diary of collective consciousness. Yeah, there's tons of people on there who have beliefs that are so stupid that you can't actually fathom how they manage to aim food into their own mouths every day, but also we get absolutely beautiful moments of humor. And isn't that kind of what being a person is all about?

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  • 01
    Hat - dr. alien skier @clichedout [running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot] him: hey what's up me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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  • 02
    Smile - Ron Iver @ronnui_ Ah damn I asked the DJ at Morpheus' rave to play Cotton Eye Joe and they put me back in the matrix
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  • 03
    Rectangle - nash flynn @itsnashflynn oh you think you make bad decisions? babe i ate three tacos and then went for a run don't challenge me
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  • 04
    World - Mark "Three-Jabs" Newton @NewtonMark “North of Antarctica" is perhaps the least-precise position report l've ever 99 seen. New Scientist New Scientist @newscientist · 18h The wreck of Sir Ernest Shackleton's ship Endurance has been found, 3000 metres beneath the Weddell Sea, north of Antarctica. The @Endurance_22 Expedition captured this footage showing the ship which was lost in 1915. NS 1:06
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  • 05
    Font - HEAD Swim Jeans A PARKING @ShortSleeveSuit ME: *takes communion wafer* thank you father PRIEST: did you just put a little pepperoni on that
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  • 06
    Font - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Gonna start cooking all foods twice to make sure l'm not missing out on some potential Bread -> Toast situation
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  • 07
    Organism - Barry Petchesky O @barry Yesterday I learned that Minnesotans call doing donuts in a car “whipping shitties" and I again must insist we shut down that state until we can 99 figure out what's going on.
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  • 08
    Font - Brent Terhune in Des Moines April... @BrentTerhune As employers start to call people back into the office, I'm just gonna show up to places I don't work like, 'it's me, Bill. Been a rough few years.'
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  • 09
    Gesture - LT @bigphabe Adulthood probably the worst hood l've ever lived in. Very ghetto here
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  • 10
    Font - ATREME MAMMAL Dan Sheehan @ltsDanSheehan The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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  • 11
    Human body - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg rip pavlov you would have loved notifications
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  • 12
    Sky - Akilah Green @akilahgreen SURELY I've accepted all possible cookies by now.
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  • 13
    Human body - Swim JeansA @ShortSleeveSuit Sorry I used finger quotes during your eulogy
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  • 14
    Dog - Marne Litfin @JetpackMarne got my girlfriend a 4-hour taxidermy class for christmas and i don't know what i was expecting but i just received this photo
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  • 15
    Sliced bread - Chase @chaselyons do y'all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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  • 16
    Font - nash flynn @itsnashflynn pretty dumb of cinderella to go to a fancy ball and waste her time falling in love when there were probably some pretty choice buffet options
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  • 17
    Font - Laurazepam @andlikelaura a coworker yawned and without thinking im all, o0o big yawn! and she was like, what? and i pretended i didn't say anything and just kept working
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  • 18
    Rectangle - Matt. @MattTheBrand me in hell describing 'gaslighting' and 'lovebombing' to a medieval peasant who was executed for stealing a spoonful of buckwheat in 1259
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  • 19
    Font - Andy Field O @AndyAndyField Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside *45 minutes later* She's still keeping pace. It's inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I'm begging her to stop but she can't hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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  • 20
    Font - Ron Iver @ronnui_ I just found out that your dentist can't actually make you floss. In fact they don't have the authority to arrest anybody for anything.
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  • 21
    Rectangle - Pru @prufrockluvsong Cop: where were you between 5 and 6? Robber: kindergarten probably
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  • 22
    Font - Norm Charlatan @normcharlatan If a nuclear apocalypse happened and every major city in the world was destroyed except one that was left completely untouched, where would the residents not be overjoyed that they survived but instead pissed off that no one respected them enough? Feels like Boston is the answer.
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  • 23
    Font - Jill Twiss @jilltwiss No one ever talks about the miraculous feats of strength it takes for a mom to lift a car ONTO a toddler
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  • 24
    Human body - jon drake @DrakeGatsby Referring to any lemonade that isn't Mike's as flaccid
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  • 25
    Jaw - Becks @BecksWelker 7:02 pm: I'll probably have 1 or 2 beers 2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014 ...
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  • 26
    Vertebrate - @nomchompsky Why would I, a man, buy new t-shirts when I could simply hoard free ones I got a decade ago that did not and still do not fit properly
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  • 27
    Human body - slate @PleaseBeGneiss you can't just abbreviate phrases all william nilliam ...
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  • 28
    Font - Upside Dad @UpsideDad Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children] My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would've just named the stupid horse.
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  • 29
    Font - first-mate prance @bocxtop getting a passive aggressive email at work is so funny, no way u want to fight me over an excel file
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  • 30
    Smile - jordan @jordan_stratton Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, touchscreens, or money before
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  • 31
    Font - jon drake @DrakeGatsby My doctor just ran up to me at the grocery store and hit me in the knee with his little hammer ...
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  • 32
    Human body - soul nate @MNateShyamalan if you're ambidextrous, you have my respect but also i lowkey think you're a witch
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  • 33
    Font - jame @videojame_ i used to work at a sub shop and this guy named crazy dan would come in and get a water cup, put root beer in it, and run out of the shop yelling "you got danned!" i hope he's dead
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  • 34
    Handwriting - brent @murrman5 [following a recipe from my uncle who is into jazz] "stir till it's togged to the 99 bricks??"
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  • 35
    Font - maggie lalley @magslals Some people are like I will stop at nothing and l'm like really? I would stop at a lot of things like for instance what if it's difficult
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  • 36
    Rectangle - Skoog @Skoog "you're quiet" yeah im just trying to gauge how weird i can be in this new 66 99 social situation
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  • 37
    Human body - dead uncle bingus @bigottimerush my haters don't want me to be snug as a bug
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  • 38
    Font - RM @dorsalstream [turns off The Book of Boba Fett, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think that was a book
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  • 39
    Human body - A 1972 Live 2263 CIVE @50YearsAgoLive A man sleeping in a special hamburger bed he designed for himself. ...
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  • 40
    Product - Joseph Joestar O @thebestjojo Sleepy is so much of a cuter word than tired. Everyone needs to stop saying tired and start saying sleepy. 10:40 PM · 07 Aug 19 · Twitter for Android 5 046 Retweets 5 046 Likes Caesar Zeppeli O @bubbleboy · 1m Replying to @thebestjojo I'm so sleepy of your shit.
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  • 41
    Font - Cat Elgarrista @cat_elg .. goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i'm tooo comfy!! shut up
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  • 42
    Smile - soul nate @MNateShyamalan they shoulda hired Andrew Spider-man to play garfield ...
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humor jokes humorous lol ridiculous dumb funny tweets funny
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