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#10: Spencer - Played by Ian Wolterstorff in Season 1
In case being a manipulative cheater wasn't enough, he's also selfish and cheap. Jess thinks his long hair is so beautiful, but honestly I think he could invest in some dry shampoo (which I already know he would refuse to buy. He would try to use mine). While on one hand, he's the reason Jess moved to the loft and met the love of her life, Spencer is totally undateable. If he approached me, I would probably pretend I was on the phone to avoid talking to him. This is why he is ranked lowest on the list.
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#9: Matt - Played by Alan Ritchson in Season 4
Matt is earning himself a spot right next to Spencer because he's also a cheater, and cheaters don't earn spots on the top of lists. Matt suffers from a bit of a… limitation in his nether regions? This isn't why he wound up at the bottom, though. There's nothing wrong with that. The issue is that he is also totally undateable because his personality sucks and he's also a manipulative cheater. Matt gets a little sympathy because maybe his personality issues stem from his insecurities about his manhood, which is why he isn't dead last.
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#8: Paul Genzlinger - Played by Justin Long in Seasons 1 & 4
Oops! Sorry, I know everyone loves Paul. But, more Paul for you and less for me. Yes, Paul is a hilarious character and he honestly has a lot of chemistry with Jess, but I already know we would have no chemistry. He's super sweet, but honestly his whole musical theater shtick would drive me up a wall. This isn't a list on who Jess would date, it's a list on who I would date. And frankly, I find Paul annoying enough to shove his violin bow up his nose. Sorry.
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#7: Berkley - Played by Adam Brody in Season 3
There's not a ton to say about him because he's barely in the show, but he's willing to leave his wife and kid for Jess. This is pretty icky and makes him undateable in my opinion, but he seems like he was actually a good boyfriend to Jess when they did date, and he's pretty cute. But, I don't want a guy upheaving his entire life for me. Talk about a love bomber.
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#6: Gavin Shmidt - Played by Peter Gallagher in Seasons 5 & 6
Here's where we hit the part of the list where people become dateable. Listen, this is mainly weird for Jess because he's Shmidt's dad. Hear me out here. He's not my friend's dad, which means the only issue here is that he's probably too old for me. He's super nice and treats Jess well, which makes me think he would treat me well too. He's a soooortttt of a DILF, even if he wasn't a very good dad. But, definitely dateable.
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#5: Sam Sweeney - Played by David Walton in Seasons 2, 5, & 7
Now this is a dateable guy. He's beautiful and a doctor? I think the issue here is that I would want to date him and he wouldn't be interested in me. Sam can definitely have his pick in women. Truthfully, his personality is lacking. If he had a sense of humor or something, he'd be right at the top of this list. Unfortunately, he's mainly just a nice, smart, beautiful guy (why am I acting like this isn't enough? It totally is. I just think he's too one dimensional). Despite being a beautiful man and a doctor, he'd be a bit better for a fling rather than a long term relationship.
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#4: Russel Shiller - Played by Dermot Mulroney in Seasons 1, 2, & 7
Now THIS GUY is a DILF. He doesn't get to be in the top 3 because honestly he's too old for me, but he's dateable nonetheless. He's smart, funny, and romantic. His only real flaw is that he kind of knows how smart and rich he is? He could be a little more humble. But, he's super cool and I'd date him. I want to say I'd date him if I were older, but honestly, I'd date him now. It would be super weird, but I just like him a lot.
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#3: Robby McFerrin - Played by Nelson Franklin in Seasons 2, 5, 6, & 7
Honestly, Robby is super dateable. He's so sweet and funny (his humor kind of teeters the line of being too Paul Genzlinger-ish, but it's a lot less intense) and super talented. Jess found him undateable because they're actually cousins, but thankfully Robby isn't my cousin because I would be thrilled to date him.
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#2: Nick Miller - Played by Jake Johnson in Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7
I am so sorry. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Listen, if we're just talking about Nick Miller by the end of the series, he'd probably be #1. But, this has to be about him in general, which means we're talking about the first few seasons of Nick, too. Nick is great. He's hilarious, loyal, and sweet, but some of his life choices would drive me up a wall. I don't know if I would date a guy who refuses to open a bank account and hasn't washed his hands in years. Hopefully other people can agree with this too. Yes, I love him. And by the end of the series, he's probably the most dateable man alive. But I just can't say a man who doesn't believe in dinosaurs is necessarily the man for me.
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#1: Ryan Geauxinue - Played by Julian Morris in Season 4
This guy is a total dreamboat. I know, the way he ended his relationship with Jess wasn't great, but he is objectively the most dateable guy that Jess dated. He's sweet, funny, smart, and mature. And British. If Ryan came up to me to talk, I would probably start convulsing. He is legitimately the full package, and just because Jess wouldn't move to the UK to be with him doesn't mean I wouldn't. He should try asking me next time, because I would be down for it. I'm sorry I picked the hot british teacher over Nick, but it just felt right.
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Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor and more videos on our TikTok @cheezcaked