‘Case Closed’ : Unlawfully Funny Courthouse Quotes That Really Have Appeal

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  • 01
    Font - (Judge greets defendant during arraignment) Defendant: "How are you doing, judge?" Judge: "Living the dream."
  • 02
    Font - (Hearing on Defendant's Petition Contempt) Judge: "And where do you reside now?" Pro se Plaintiff: "I'm not interested." Judge: "Not interested in what?" Pro se Plaintiff: "In answering your question."
  • 03
    Font - Defendant (on video from jail): "Judge, why am I in here? Why are y'all keeping me?" Judge: "Well, let me see what it is this time." *shuffles through papers* "Looks like you have been charged with misuse of the 911 emergency communications system. You can't just call 911 and play music for the operator." Defendant: "Oh. Okay. (Pause) I guess they don't like Sam Cooke."
  • 04
    Font - Attorney: "Objection!" Judge: "Basis?" Attorney: "I don't know..."
  • 05
    Font - Judge: "So, how long have the detectives had the phone?" Defense Attorney: "12 months." Defendant: "UH try more like a YEAR!" Judge: "Uh... yeah."
  • 06
    Font - Defendant (in traffic court): "I did stop. I counted to 3 and then I went." Judge (after seeing video of defendant run stop sign): "Well, I tell you what. I'm going to count to 3, then I'm going to find you guilty."
  • 07
    Font - Judge: "How long have you been without a license?" Defendant: "It's been a while." Judge: "A while?" Defendant: "Since the '70s."
  • 08
    Font - Judge: "Don't you need to leave soon?" Stenographer: "Yeah I have to be there on time to pick my dog up from daycare."
  • 09
    Font - - "May I please the Court, Your Honor?" - "No, sir. Sit down."
  • 10
    Font - Judge (attempting to determine indigence to appoint counsel): "Do you work? Defendant: "Nah." Judge: "Are you in school?" Defendant: "Nah." Judge: "How do you support yourself?" Defendant: "Just vibing."
  • 11
    Font - Clearly a junior attorney: "I understand your position, your honor, but — “ " Judge (yelling): "I don't have a position! My position is the LAW!"
  • 12
    Font - Attorney: "What did you do to prepare for your deposition today?" Witness: "I had a bottle of wine." Attorney: "Okay. Anything else?" Witness: "Nope."
  • 13
    Font - Defense counsel: "I've tried calling the State several times but I haven't been able to reach them. It's like they think I'm calling about his extended warranty or something."
  • 14
    Font - Judge: "Sir, why did you miss your court date two months ago?" Pro Se Defendant: "Your honor, I was just living my life. Must've slipped my mind."
  • 15
    Font - (during a virtual hearing) Judge: "Counselor, please draft the order. Have a great day." Attorney: "Wait, judge, do you want to see my cat?" Judge: "Maybe some other day."

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