Random Thoughts From the Bored Brains of Twitter

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  • 01
    Product - phony curtis @seahorseradish KER CARLSON pudding person @JUNIPER 14h they're letting shrimp fry rice now these days, and this should terrify you 9:23 PM 2023-01-31 382K Views TONIGHT 17.5K Likes 1,359 Retweets 1 Quote
  • 02
    Font - Mike Ingram (official) @mikeingram00 Out: publishing your work In: filling hundreds of little notebooks that will be discovered after your death 5:25 PM 2023-01-02 299K Views 8,435 Likes
  • 03
    Font - derek guy @dieworkwear must be crazy to be a grown-ass cat. imagine being 45 years old and ppl treat you like a little baby 11:13 PM 2023-01-02 207K Views 4,462 Likes
  • 04
    Font - Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer when computers started saying "oopsie woopsie something went wrong" instead of "EXCEPTION IN BLOCK 000XXF956" that's where we lost our way as a society 1:15 PM 2023-01-03 129K Views 3,137 Likes
  • 05
    Font - Earth Updates @Earth_Updates A Earth Update A - Wearing socks to bed reduces chance of being grabbed by the monster under your bed by 12% - Overthinking a scenario before sleeping makes it more likely to happen irl by 5% - New animal rarity added! The reverse albino. 3x more rare than a normal albino 5:00 PM 2023-01-03 207K Views 10K Likes
  • 06
    Font - morgan sung @morgan_sung sometimes i'm like why am i irrationally angry and then i'm like oh there's an overhead light on 8:21 PM 2023-01-03 21K Views 704 Likes 73 Retweets 15 Quote Tweets
  • 07
    Font - merritt k @merrittk Avatar 3 should be based on volcano levels and Avatar 4 should be a haunted house 6:55 PM 2023-01-03 . 175K Views 4,932 Likes
  • 08
    Font - Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama grocery store chains: we set record profits this year retail chains: we've never made so much money energy companies: we just posted our best quarter on record news article: who is to blame for inflation? you peasants wanting wages, probably 7:39 PM 2023-01-03 85.2K Views 4,919 Likes
  • 09
    Font - ellewasamistake @ellewasamistake creating the ultimate two sentence horror story by deleting most of the punctuation from stephen king's hit novel "the shining" 12:15 PM 2023-01-03 12.4K Views 388 Likes 23 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet :
  • 10
    Font - Guy Freire @guy_freire When I was in elementary school I really thought opening time capsules would be a much bigger part of my adult life 3:40 PM 2023-01-03 37K Views 1,690 Likes
  • 11
    Font - ma amb 1165 a bag of Gwen Snyder is on Mastodon @gwensnyderPHL Never in a million years did I see pandemic safety becoming one of the most punk rock things you could do in this world, but here we are 3:01 PM 2023-01-03 138K Views 5,749 Likes
  • 12
    Font - Soph. @Baycaked When I watched Ratatouille I was like "there's no way that rat could control that guy", then I remember I let a rat control me for a year and a half 7:24 AM 2023-01-02 . 1.6M Views 50.3K Likes
  • 13
    Font - "Steve" @extranapkins Short men develop more powerful imaginations due to having to imagine what the bands playing look like at concerts. Whereas tall men's minds atrophy from being able to just lazily look at what's happening on the stage 4:58 PM 2023-01-02 131K Views 3,859 Likes
  • 14
    Font - dizzy @rundizzy another mistake flawlessly executed 5:20 PM 2023-01-03 179K Views 4,710 Likes
  • 15
    Gesture - Venom by Daylight @VenomDbd anania @Anania00.3d behind every gay person is a gayer, more evil gay person 4:10 PM 2023-01-03 249K Views 13.4K Likes
  • 16
    Font - Coffee Lovers and Fans & @tonyhawktruther It's pretty funny that "Dua Lipa" and “dual IPA” are spelled the same. Unfortunately there's no good way to take that into joke territory. The best you can do is just point it out. 12:43 PM 2023-01-04 362K Views 13.4K Likes
  • 17
    Font - Structured Success @Structured Succ I love how my brain needs to go on a side quest between each step of the main story line, even when that main story line is feeding myself 2:07 PM 2023-01-04 8,019 Views 222 Likes 31 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets
  • 18
    Font - Michael Swaim (Parodist) @SWAIM_CORP Superman, knuckles bloodied, sweating buckets, breathing hard - "Please. I don't want to hurt you. Just. Stay. Down." Chumbawamba - "I'm sorry Clark. You know I can't do that." 3:43 PM 2023-01-03 ... 282K Views 6,444 Likes
  • 19
    Font - Elisa Gabbert @egabbert The best genre of content is "everything alive is like us." Bees throw parties, snails have anxiety, mushrooms go to college, all of it is good 11:44 AM 2023-01-04 19.9K Views 440 Likes 39 Retweets 1 Quote Tweet
  • 20
    World - cory @coolmathgame_ [watching the price is right and someone gets the price wrong] ohhh my god. holy shit this show is crazy 6:47 PM 2023-01-04 ● 2,959 Views 52 Likes 3 Retweets
  • 21
    Plant - SOUL (38 femb✦t @ fembot 10h "Make better choices" The Washington Post Democracy Dies in Darkness Morning Mix 'Make better choices': Endangered Hawaiian monk seals keep getting eels stuck up their noses and scientists want them to stop ₁118K 24 475 3,414 ↑
  • 22
    Font - Introvert Problems introvert problems @Introvert Probss My grocery list: 1. Don't run into anyone you know 2. Eggs 12:50 PM 2023-01-04 . 1M Views 23.7K Likes
  • 23
    Font - Conajam @conajam no better feeling than when you finish a good book & can finally eat the bookmark 1:30 AM 2023-01-05 37.2K Views 967 Likes
  • 24
    Font - Glass Onion Kalvis Out Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery @KnivesOut Stop calling it chives out 8:35 PM 2023-01-04 625K Views 19.8K Likes
  • 25
    Purple - padilha @padeliciouss disneyscreencaps.com anania @Anania00.3d behind every gay person is a gayer, more evil gay person 3:33 PM 2023-01-03 Con 2.6M Views 135K Likes
  • 26
    World - Andy Richter @Andy Richter I want one of those jobs that you see in commercials where you lean over the shoulder of someone who is working on a computer and point at the screen and nod. I feel like I could be really good at that. 11:51 PM 2023-01-04 116K Views 2,407 Likes
  • 27
    World - cory @coolmathgame_ me: [whispering to my lawyer] my: lawyer: im not asking that me: [whispering some more] my lawyer: your honor would he still be guilty if he was a worm ● 1:11 PM 2023-01-05 109K Views 4,674 Likes :
  • 28
    Font - make up a guy @makeupaguy guy whose pronouns are hehe/ haha (transjester guy) Skye I love Ivy! ALT 3:43 PM 2023-01-05 172K Views 14K Likes 12:06 PM
  • 29
    Font - philip matarese @philorphilip The names bond. Names Bond. 7:05 PM 2023-01-05 101K Views 2,377 Likes 112 Retweets ...
  • 30
    Font - thot person @turkeyteddybear "Work husband" "work wife" what about my work jester? my funny little friend coming to my office to tell me a silly story and make me smile? a jolly little creature who will enrich me on our lunch break? 5:14 PM 2023-01-04 ... 149K Views 6,027 Likes
  • 31
    Font - depop drama Depop Drama @depopdrama cozzie livs I can't go that low sorry babe xx Especially with the cozzie livs and all that jazz Slang for cost of living crisis xx 5:27 AM 2023-01-06 Cozzie livs? 69.1K Views 2,053 Likes ...
  • 32
    Font - i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazılla "the crown prince and his younger brother despise each other and the younger brother has fled across the sea to plot his revenge" is a pretty cool setup for a show, but it's also just the news 1:19 AM 2023-01-06 ● 25.9K Views 1,292 Likes
  • 33
    Font - the moon's wife @bookishseawitch why talk to express your emotions when you can simply stand on the edge of a cliff and tearfully stretch one hand towards the sea 10:58 AM 2023-01-05 25K Views 888 Likes 137 Retweets 4 Quote Tweets
  • 34
    Human - doxie @dox_gay sorry to cancel last minute, it's just i have a lot to do at home :/ me at home: 9:47 PM 2023-01-04 Twitter for iPhone ● 181K Views 8,533 Likes ...
  • 35
    Sleeve - mina @kiranmayeet 1d Instead of being a werewolf I turn into this whenever I smell a hearty soup ₁92.9K 448 4,035 (→
  • 36
    Font - makaio @makjako no peter griffin shit but, fam... ily guy 9:16 PM 2023-01-05 Twitter for iPhone 111K Views 4,355 Likes 00
  • 37
    Font - Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama "why do you support your tax dollars going to subsidized daycare if you don't have kids" because if other people can't afford to have kids the only staff at my nursing home when I'm old will be a pill organizer scotch-taped to a roomba 10:30 PM 2023-01-05 Twitter Web App . ... 41.1K Views 2,342 Likes
  • 38
    World - Fifty Shades of Whey @davenewworld_2 I need a reverse Shark Tank where US oligarchs explain why they deserve billions of dollars while standing in front of 5 people living in poverty who work for them. 3:13 PM 2023-01-05 Twitter for iPhone 1.6M Views 71.2K Likes

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