'[I called] my wife a nerf herder': Husband derided for insulting wife with obscure Star Wars reference

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Oct 13, 2023 6:00 PM EDT

Relationships are an ongoing affair, with constant growth and change of the individuals necessitating growth and change of the relationship itself. Of course, with the tendency for couples to establish codependency and isolate themselves from any other social interaction, often this growth and change can lead the couple in strange new directions, causing them to morph into unrecognizable amorphous symbiotes vaguely representing their former selves.

Part of this involves adopting pet names for one another that would evoke horror from anyone who might have the misfortune of overhearing them. Sometimes, these might even be vague insults that are lofted at one another with affection. This can occasionally go sideways when one side takes it too far or the other party isn't in the mood, as is what happened when this husband called his wife a "scruffy looking nerf herder." The phrase is part of a well-known insult that Princess Leia lobs at Han Solo in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi during a tense moment when the Han is acting overly full of himself. The insult itself is so ridiculous that it's hard to imagine anyone actually taking offense to it, especially when it's used in jest—but that didn't stop this wife from taking offense to the insult—or stop the internet from taking her side.

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    Font - Posted by u/huffmanxd AITA for not apologizing after calling my wife a nerf herder? I (29m) and my wife (30f) have been together for over ten years. She does not care for movies at all and has not seen any Star Wars except for Episode 7, only because I wanted to see it so badly in theaters when it first came out. I'm not a super fan or anything but she knows I've seen and enjoyed the movies and my parents love them too.
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    Font - For context also, she and I haven't had what is considered a "real fight" in about six years. Just minor arguments. Tonight we were watching YouTube videos and just relaxing on the couch after work. We do this nearly every day and we both enjoy it. I don't remember exactly what she said first, but I remember it sounded goofy so I said something like "what are you even trying to say, you scruffy looking nerf herder” and started laughing, expecting her to laugh along. I know she hasn't seen
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    Font - She immediately exploded on me and started yelling and pacing around our apartment. I tried to explain that it's a quote from Star Wars and it isn't a real insult, but maybe she didn't comprehend what I was saying because she was seeing red or something because she basically ignored what I said and kept getting more angry. (I'm the type that freezes under pressure like that). I was telling her how confusing this fight is and I have no idea why she's so mad or how it escalated to this poin
    via u/huffmanxd
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    Font - After saying it a couple more times, she finally understood that I was telling her it's from Star Wars. I thought the fight would finally end, but instead the fight pivoted to how I didn't apologize. That just made me more confused. She had been yelling and arguing with me for a while (no idea how long but it felt like an eternity) and never apologized to me, even though a single google search or even her asking "what's that?" would have stopped this fight from ever happening to begin wit
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    Font - The fight went one for so long that she ended up going to a friends house to get out of our apartment for the night. I'm regretting it more now that I'm sitting here alone, but I don't know. I don't feel like it's fair to force an apology out of me when I didn't even do anything wrong to begin with, the whole situation was just a big misunderstanding, right? At least not without her apologizing first for blowing up over something so trivial that she didn't even know the meaning of. I know
    via u/huffmanxd
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    Font - OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ale: I made my wife upset by calling her a name she thought was ro, but actually was just a movie quote. I should probably have apologized, but I refused out of principle.
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    Font - Dragon_Fire_Skye You randomly insult your wife with some obscure quote -- I HAVE seen Star Wars and have no idea what film that's from -- and don't understand why she's upset? Yeah, YTA. Go apologize. Reply Share 576 Far-Performer-6034 Not obscure, and the correct response is 'who's scruffy looking?' 341 Reply Share
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    Font - quailfail666 This is just strange all around. Im a huge Star Trek nerd, and my husband is not. I would never call him "an ugly bag of mostly water". Trekkies would laugh but he would be confused, possibly insulted. Just apologize, and perhaps reference my comment here, Im sure she will understand. Also just let her have some space. She may have other things on her mind and be especially vulnerable, you never know. Reply Share 369 OwlAdmirable5403. I've only casually watched star wars and
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    Font - LowBalance4404 YTA, but is anything else going on? this seems a huge escalation for this. I'm curious if she's had something boiling under the surface and this just pushed her over the edge. 251 Reply Share Ok_Relationship_705 That's what my thoughts are too. He could have called her "Bubble gum head" and she'd probably have blown up. 33 Reply Share ...
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    Font - Zyzan777 Something else is going on, and this just set off the fuse. Find out what is really bothering her. Reply Share 147 JonPX Or the thing she said that he wasn't listening to was really important, and his reaction was just a stupid joke insult instead of an actual reaction. 49 ●●● Reply Share ●●●
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    Font - toosheeptheorist. YTA - you insulted your wife, simple as that. Apologize to her, because obviously it's not trivial if it upset her that much. Edit to add - Han shot first. 130 Reply Share
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    Font - thatvolleyballsetter YTA. You used a quote from a movie you know she hasn't seen to insult her. You did your best to deflect in your post, but the reality is that, instead of justifying yourself by saying "it's a Star Wars quote" while she was upset, you could have just apologized. Apologizing when you've upset someone is basic kindergarten cO. You're trying to get an apology for the reaction before offering one for the cause? Wild take, dude. 108 Reply Share
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    Font - Important Minute comments are so odd. NAH. 86 lavellanlike Reply Share I I've noticed these days a lot more people believe that if someone is "upset" then it doesn't matter why they're upset, they're feelings need to be "validated" or some sh But no I disagree - if you are upset for a dumb fu reason you don't get to be coddled like a child.... You need to be told to get a grip Reply Share 52 ...
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    Font - Snapdragon5180. NTA. Who's scruffy looking?? She should have assumed good intent. You say you've been married years without major arguments, and I'm puzzled as to why she reacted so strongly. I suspect there's something else going on that's stressing her out, and this was the outlet for her emotion. 70 Reply Share
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    Font - CovidIsolation I like how to didn't write one thing that your wife said when she was "yelling" at you. Why was she so mad? I'm sure said. YTA. You insulted your wife by insulting her appearance and her ability to communicate. She had no idea what your comment meant, so literally was how she took it. Why on earth are you expecting an apology for the situation you caused and have yet to take responsibility for? As soon as you saw she didn't think it was funny, you should've apologized. Name
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    Font - airazaneo | ESH You made a joke that didn't land well and was perceived as an insult. You should apologise for that even if it wasn't your intention to offend her. She's an AH for blowing things out of proportion. As far as insults go, a scruffy nerf herder isn't in the ball park of calling her a bor any of the vastly nasty things out there which would have justified a reaction like that. For a couple that haven't had a major fight in years, she escalated things really quickly. 38 Reply S
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    Font - throwra156467976 NTA - a partner that explodes in anger over a little joke (not even an insult) then can't admit they overreacted and gaslights you by demanding an apology has something else going on. Don't be manipulated into taking responsibility for this, she needs to recognize and accept blame. Reply Share 36
    via u/huffmanxd

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