'The last straw was my laptop': Wife loans out her distressed husband's things and they never come back, he takes money to replace them

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Oct 31, 2023 12:00 PM EDT

Your stuff is yours… and yours alone. I don't care how long you've been together, how committed you are, or how joined at the hip you might be—I guarantee there are things that you're not keen on sharing with your partner and certainly not keen on them lending out to other people… especially when those things always fail to come back. 

That's the problem that this husband was facing when he found his wife continually lending his belongings out to various members of her family. We're not talking about things like loaning the lawnmower out to Uncle Tom so that he can mow his lawn; we're talking about things like his laptop, which could easily have had sensitive information. Still, in order to recoup the cost of his lost belongings, he just started taking money out of their shared vacation fund, figuring that it was only fair. This finally prompted a response from his wife, who found his solution to be completely unfair. So, is he in the wrong here? Read the original thread below and decide for yourself.

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  • 01
    Font - Posted by u/Long-Mammoth1558 4 hours ago AITA for replacing any property of mine that my wife lends out or gives away from our travel savings? I love my wife very much ur we are from two different cultures. In hers, if a person needs something that you have, you give it to them. I mine if you need something you get a job, get paid, and buy what you need.
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  • 02
    Font - While I earn most of our income, my wife runs a dayhome, takes care of our kids, and the house. We take our money and pay our bills, put some away for emergencies, our retirement, kids education, etc. We also keep an account for traveling to visit her family or paying for her mom and dad to visit us.
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  • 03
    Font - My wife has given away a bunch of my stuff because her family needed it. She gave my trekking backpack to one of her cousins because he needed a backpack. She could have bought him a $30 Costco backpack instead of giving away my $400 backpack, which he promptly got stolen.
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  • 04
    Font - The last straw was my laptop. I was away for the weekend at a friend's wedding that she did not want to attend. Her auntie was visiting and said that my wife's brother needed a computer for schoolwork. Since all I ever did was play games on it she gave it to her brother for university. I tried to get it back. She said it would be rde. I explained that the only reason all she saw me do with it was "play games" that was because I was home. When I leave in the morning and take it with me it
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  • 05
    Font - She said I didn't have to talk to her like she is dumb. But she refused to ask for it back. I replaced it with money from the travel fund. Which means that we will not be seeing her parents this Christmas. She is pl. She said that I took money that belonged to both of us to buy myself something. I asked her here the money
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  • 06
    Font - should come from. Should I take it out of our retirement? Our kids education? Does she want to out off replacing the furnace with winter almost here. I said I could cancel that if she wanted. She said that I could have just put it on the credit card. I asked her to explain where the money to PAY the credit card would come from. She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot. I think she needs to stop giving my things away.
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  • 07
    Font - OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ar My wife gives away stuff that we have purchased to her family if they need it. I might be the ae because I have started buying myself new stuff with money we use to visit with her parents.
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  • 08
    Font - TheZZ9 4 hr. ago NTA It's easy to be generous when you are giving away stuff that isn't yours. But as soon as it affects her suddenly its a big deal? I would be spitting blood if someone gave away my computer! Aside from the value and inconvenience what about the lost data, files, photos? The stored financial data? Stored passwords? I'd have driven round there and demanded it back! 6.2k Reply Share
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  • 09
    Font - Long-Mammoth1558 OP 4 hr. ago I keep everything backed up to my home computer and I remotely wiped my laptop. I just would have preferred for her not to give my stuff away. I was pol off when she gave away my backpack. 2.7k Reply Share
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  • 10
    Font - Comfortable-Sea-2454 5 hr. ago ● NTA - your wife is being ridiculous, hopefully not being able to see her parents will be the wake up call she needs. BTW, you need a firm, hard boundary: she is to NEVER give away anything of yours without your explicit permission. Let her use you as the heavy if necessary, but she cannot give your stuff away without your permission.
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  • 11
    Font - What if your laptop contained important work information that had no other backup. Does she want your to be fired? Reply Share 1.9k squeamishmeatballs · 4 hr. ago Or worse, their PERSONAL financial documents? 4462 Reply Share
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  • 12
    Font - Professional_Ruin953 5 hr. ago NTA The real solution is to sell off her property until you recoup the costs of her generosity. But given her ideas about credit cards being free money, I'd say you have a bigger financial issue in your marriage. Personal property is the property of the individual owner, it's not joint marital property just because you're married. She needs to learn the difference. Maybe offer to return the new laptop if she gets yours back before you cannot return it? 1.6k
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  • 13
    Font - aeroeagleAC 5 hr. ago She thinks I'm treating her like an idiot. If the glove fits. NTA. 1.2k Reply Share SpaceJesusIsHere 5 hr. ago ● Gave away work laptop, won't ask for it back, thinks money grows on trees and credit cards are free money. Can't think of a more fitting word, tbh. 501 Reply Share
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  • 14
    Font - Heloise_Morris · 5 hr. ago NTA Your wife needs to stop giving away your things to family and friends. If she wants to give her stuff away, fine and fair, but she has no business being "generous" with other people's belongings. She created this problem, she can fix it by stopping what she's doing. Until then, you will continue to replace these items that go missing by her hand thru the only discretionary spending account you have. 469 Reply Share
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  • 15
    Font - Mintyfresh2022 · 5 hr. ago Your wife is an idiot. Your stuff is not hers to give away. You should have made her get your laptop back. Make her get a better job and use her own money, and give away her own stuff. You need to set hard boundaries with her. If she has to embarrass herself asking for it back, it's on her. Nta 345 Reply Share
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  • 16
    Font - Cursd818 4 hr. ago ΝΤΑ She is stealing from you. Wives can absolutely steal from their husband's. It has no value to her, so in her head, she can give it away. She likes the way people appreciate these gifts, and she does not care that she is making your life worse. She does not care about you and your belongings. This is a very troubling attitude to have towards your spouse. Your marriage is not as good as you seem to think. 282 Reply Share
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aita marriage marriage drama relationship-drama reddit story relationships etiquette reddit thread toxic relationship
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