45+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (January 20, 2024)

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  • 01
    amanda @amanduhwhite When I say I got that dawg in me...this is what I'm talking about LE CREUSET GOOD 3:20 PM1/12/24 From Earth 10 6K Views 251 Reposts 4 Quotes 3.5K Likes 93 Bookmarks
  • 02
    Janel Comeau @VeryBad Llama my brother's Maine Coon decided to strand himself in the ceiling while my dad was fixing it and no animal on this earth has ever been less sorry for anything
  • 03
    Tweets of Cats @TweetsOfCats my personal zen garden 12:01 PM 1/14/24 From Earth 4.1M Views
  • 04
    menace @Kroniebits You have to earn b by doing c first melty @everymangoes 2d which one would b ur next bite? Mine would be B A B C
  • 05
    Becca @bexual_healing obsessed with the mailman putting my package in a full recycling bin which was promptly collected. just tremendous stuff Service used: Royal Mail Tracked 48TM Proof of delivery Rotate image achet 48 T/ALA ?
  • 06
    yassified arafat @sweatyhabibti recipe from the what now? Cooking Shrimp Linguine Recipe from the Department of Defense Adapted by Jonathan Reynolds Total Time 30 minutes = Q Rating 4 ★★★★★ (50) 2:14 PM 1/14/24 From Earth 212K Views ● . 253 Reposts 27 Quotes 5.1K Likes 176 Bookmarks
  • 07
    Daniel @growing_daniel In retrospect it's crazy that phone companies were like hey we're going to put your name and address and phone number in a book and print a million copies to pass out all over town and everyone was like oh yeah of course 10:35 PM 1/8/24 From Earth 577K Views 444 Reposts 111 Quotes 7K Likes 279 Bookmarks
  • 08
    Pal Céad Míle Fáilte @ColeyMick Conan O'Brien after having a shotgun backfire like Daffy Duck george @StokeyyG2.5h Let it go mate BOROUCH MUN TRISTLE 4:33 PM 1/12/24 From Earth 3.8M Views BRITISHK MEMES 1 4.1K Reposts 89 Quotes 61K Likes 1.3K Bookmarks
  • 09
    old tom @YuckyTom roight facked innit Mirr Mirror CelebWir @MirrorCeleb 17h orx or Prince Harry and William have a secret three-word code for 'times of extreme crisis' mirror.co.uk/ 3am/us-celebri... 9:03 PM 1/11/24 From Earth · 1.7M Views 2K Reposts 16 Quotes 36K Likes 590 Bookmarks
  • 10
    kpg @notoriouskpg what the 30 packs of keystone light see when i'm at the gas station Chad Tyson @chadtyson 9h It's a cold one in KC for the Taylor Swift show tonight 8:29 PM 1/13/24 From Earth 2.2M Views peacock c 8 1.4K Reposts 13 Quotes 31K Likes 576 Bookmarks
  • 11
    Matt Lindner @mattlindner She's a big city ad exec home in Gingerbread Falls for the holidays trying to find herself. He's a clumsy lumberjack who volunteers at her grandma's nursing home who can help. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce star in the Hallmark classic, Meet You Under the Mistletoe. 9:45 AM 1/14/24 From Earth · 613K Views . 617 Reposts 73 Quotes 12K Likes 282 Bookmarks
  • 12
    TJ Hernandez @TJHernandez The great thing about Taylor Swift is that you basically never hear about Jackson Mahomes anymore 10:26 PM 1/13/24 From Earth. 1M Views 707 Reposts 51 Quotes 24K Likes 87 Bookmarks
  • 13
    7/11 Truther @Dave McNamee3000 horse girls going to a 16th birthday dinner at the nicest chain restaurant the mall has Peter Cruz/SplashNews.com Eber Fou
  • 14
    Trung Phan w @TrungTPhan Really miss 2007 prices. A Big Mac cost $3. A Subway footlong cost $5. And a Taylor Swift concert cost $20. interested please come and istries at 256-318-9044 01 see a short presentation and 256-390-5558 to onion, I just stop the knot. Taylor Swift In concert at Saks High School, Saturday, March 31, 2007 Tickets on sale everyday from Denise 4 pm until 7 pm At the Saks High School Gym Limited seating available so come get tickets while they last. General admission $20 Flo
  • 15
    kira @kirawontmiss this is where i post from 7 THE HATER BUILDING 7:05 PM 1/12/24 From Earth - 2.4M Views .
  • 16
    Jordan Arnold @jordanarnold BREAKING: Dubs has entered the transfer portal, intends to be the mascot for UConn 7:37 PM 1/12/24 From Earth. 1.1M Views ● 651 Reposts 158 Quotes 14K Likes 171 Bookmarks
  • 17
    greg SEAS @greg16676935420 Modern cruise ship Vs Titanic TELE 5:31 PM 1/12/24 From Earth 1.1M Views 498 Reposts 46 Quotes 11K Likes 196 Bookmarks
  • 18
    Jack Niceman @godisangryatme Which intrepid young Vietnamese man shall be summoned to deliver me Wendy's pretzel bacon pub? 2:12 Search Milwaukee 34° | Snow A Winter Storm Warning Winter Storm Warning until 12:00 PM, Saturday, January 13. National Weather Service. Milwaukee Snow Forecasted Snow for the next hour. Now 10m 20m 30m 40m 50m 34° Stay Informed Get notifications for severe weather, rain, and snow near you. Enable Notifications HOURLY FORECAST Now 3PM 4PM 5G 93 4:38PM 90% 80% 34° 34° Su
  • 19
    juju š @ayeejuju girls when they drink water + have a normal meal & their headache goes away 8:57 PM 1/12/24 From Earth. 4.5M Views . 5.5K Reposts 277 Quotes
  • 20
    girl @faytrain i microwaved a muffin for 10 minutes and almost lit the apartment on fire and instead of turning it off when it started smoking i ran to my moms room and kept saying "sorry for what's goin to happen" LMFAOOOOOOO Laura @itzwahalalaura 1d Okay next topic. Everyone post your funniest childhood experience. 1:24 PM 1/14/24 From Earth 3.7M Views .
  • 21
    not using my name anymore... @yeahnahaye_ I received three job rejections today and it's just like... am I not my grandma's special boy to these people 5:54 AM 1/12/24 From Earth 1.2M Views ● 3.3K Reposts 76 Quotes 50K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 22
    kira @kirawontmiss tf are we supposed to do? save the ship? BASMA Out of Context Human Race If The Titanic Sank Today: 00 0000000 2003 02/2/2004 12K Reposts 166 Quotes 38 80036D 8:31 PM1/11/24 From Earth - 12M Views @NoC... 1d LA
  • 23
    lan Coldwater @IanColdwater I hate it here Qi cannot fulfill this request Filters 肝脂肪 脂肪 クリスチャン LDS寺院 ALT ボーナス 6A 2026 I Apologize but I Cannot fulfill This Request it violates OpenAl use Policy-Gray(78.8 Table Length) $1,91929 FREE delivery Feb 7 - 29 Or fastest delivery Jan 23 - 26 Add to Cart I'm sorry but I cannot fulfill this request it goes against OpenAl use policy. My purpose is to provide... Wood $32519 FREE delivery Jan 24 - 29 Add to Cart O 0 I'm sorry but I cannot fulfill this reques
  • 24
    kira www @kirawontmiss this pink KAISER PERMA used to go crazy NDC 0093-4161-73 AMOXICILLIN for Oral Suspension, US 400 mg/5 ml When reconstituted each 5 Amoxicillin, as the trihyd 17K Reposts 4.1K Quotes Usual Dosage: Administer every See package insert for full p information R only 100 mL (when reconsti TEVA 9:44 PM 1/10/24 From Earth. 18M Views
  • 25
    LMAOOOO 8 90 99 A kira @kirawontmiss when the shift was so bad you gotta sit in silence for a coupla minutes 0907 ભ 55 comments ikonicjunehoe HOW DO YOU SHIFTT 2h Reply peytonmorrisonn no like work, like a job 5:42 PM 1/10/24 From Earth 3.8M Views 1444 8 55 X 19 167
  • 26
    jolly jim @importancatpete This it the superintelligence that I'm told will kill us all within the next 5 years T-Mobile LTE 3:19 PM ChatGPT> 33% ♡ You Greek philosopher with name starting with M ChatGPT One famous Greek philosopher whose name starts with "M" is M Aristotle.
  • 27
    Rach @raccoonstansv2 My heads gone at that guy tweeting for months that he could hear Yiddish under his floor boards so twitter called him schizophrenic and made him a character and months later underground tunnels homing Hasidic Jews was found where he lives. I've never seen vindication like this. 8:45 AM 1/10/24 From Earth 8.4M Views 13K Reposts 384 Quotes .
  • 28
    Ahmed/The Ears/IG: BigBi... @big_business_ That boy Oppenheimer was on the floor crying to his wife about his side chick committing suicide and her response was man up and go to work. 1:18 PM 1/10/24 6.6M Views 4.9K Reposts 692 Quotes
  • 29
    Hispanic Shaun King @okimstillhungry 6'4" wearing a top hat in a theater. I'd shoot him too. Morbid Knowledge @Morbidful-1d The top hat worn by Abraham Lincoln the night he was shot. 6:57 PM 1/10/24 From Earth 4.1M Views . .
  • 30
    Donny Treverson @BostonDonnyT Leaving Irish goodbyes in 2023, Jewish goodbyes are in for 2024. Sneaking out of the function through a tunnel. 10:52 AM 1/10/24 2.7M Views ● 3.2K Reposts 99 Quotes
  • 31
    Sophie Hall @SophLouise Hall It was the best of times (dipping bread into soup) it was the worst of times (finishing the bread and then being stuck with just soup) 9:22 AM 1/10/24 - 1.4M Views 3.1K Reposts 108 Quotes
  • 32
    brandon @BRØIG REDBULLS ARE HEALTHY NBC News @NBCNews. 1d Taurine, an amino acid found in meat and shelfish that's often used in energy drinks, may help with health aging, new research suggests. nbcnews.com/health/aging/t... CNEWS 5:51 PM 1/9/24 2.5M Views
  • 33
    WTF! Why is my LG Washing Machine using 3.6GB of data/day? Used Percentage 4.68 % 300 MB 225 MB 150 MB Johnie @Johnie 75 MB App Name SSL/TLS General Period Traffic 175.60 MB 0 Bytes 20h 21h 22h 23h on 1h 2h 3h 4h 5h 6h 7h 8h 9h 10h 11h 12h Client Name: LG_Smart_Laundry2_open Daily Traffic 3.66 GB 10:07 PM 1/8/24 6.5M Views Upload 3.57 GB 84.00 Bytes LG_Smart_Laundry2_open Download 95.75 MB 2.81 KB 18 h 19 h Total 3.66 GB 2.89 KB 2.6K Reposts 1.1K Quotes 48K Likes 3K Bookmarks
  • 34
    Cigs @UsingCigarettes After I eat I always put my dirty dishes in the sink for my roommates to clean and then I go to my room and lock the door and pretend that I'm sleeping. Does anyone else do this or am I weird? 100 7:14 AM 1/8/24 From Earth. 650K Views 522 Reposts 174 Quotes 14K Likes 326 Bookmarks
  • 35
    michael @j3wtalian a stanley cup KELD SHAKE 1:36 PM 1/8/24 From Earth. 1.8M Views . 9.8K Reposts 283 Quotes
  • 36
    trash jones @jzux "therapy doesn't work for me” ok well I hate to break it to you but the mental illness isn't working for you either 6:52 PM 1/13/24 From Earth 7.2M Views . 28K Reposts 2.4K Quotes ●
  • 37
    spongeboob @the_dyke_agenda i do this but instead of olive oil and salt i put chocolate syrup and sprinkles K. @silknymphe.2d The girlies are right. The vanilla ice cream + olive oil + salt combo does in fact eat
  • 38
    Bob @emptytesticles me after 30 seconds of making out platinum sombrero @platinombrero 23h welcome to arrowhead Michelob ULTRA 16 FL. OZ. ܦܕܡܘܡ ܙܕ
  • 39
    kira this is literally what dubai looks like and and and @kirawontmiss Dave @Gamewith Dave 1d What Playstation console did you start on? CREED CREED CRED SONY . 1 ABBA 23 3:13 PM 1/14/24 From Earth - 7.2M Views 9.2K Reposts 120 Quotes
  • 40
    Moneyball Memes s @Moneyball Memes "What channel is Peacock?" 9:08 PM 1/13/24 From Earth • 1M Views ● 829 Reposts 33 Quotes 19K Likes 167 Bookmarks
  • 41
    Evan Molloy @Turn_Rake13 Me in my underwear retrieving a $17 bagel from a delivery man who just rode his e-bike through a monsoon Big dog. 10:05 AM 1/13/24 From Earth 1.4M Views ● 1.1K Reposts 26 Quotes 32K Likes 508 Bookmarks
  • 42
    Moira Donegan @Moira Donegan Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she'll go "Oh it wasn't so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was- and then tell the most terrifying story you've ever heard. 6:31 PM 1/14/24 130K Views . 376 Reposts 51 Quotes 4.2K Likes 96 Bookmarks
  • 43
    H Hector Diaz @iam HectorDiaz ALL APPLIANCES ON THE FLOOR ARE 75% OFF THIS WEEKEND. HOW CAN I AFFORD IT? I CANT! FOX NFL FOX Sports: NFL FOX @NFLonFOX.4h SPORTS 6:31 PM 1/14/24 From Earth 686K Views . 594 Reposts 2 Quotes 8.1K Likes 75 Bookmarks
  • 44
    Norb Lamby @oh_bloodynora yo why is my bartender googling "vodka soda” rn 259 vodka sood ● Q voska soda calores Q voda och Q vodia soda scohol content Q vodka moda eltzer ka noda me 11:28 PM 1/13/24 From Earth 1.1M Views March O
  • 45
    Brandon Streussnig @BrndnStrssng Snoop should start showing up to every awards event with the Oppenheimer cast and act like he was always in the movie RapTV @Rap-1d Snoop Dogg with the cast of Oppenheimer !! EXIT ERAL . T 1:15 AM 1/14/24 From Earth 1.8M Views ne 2.8K Reposts 28 Quotes 51K Likes 660 Bookmarks
  • 46
    STEVE! @NotDrDeath Imagine your vehicle is turned over. You're disoriented. Wondering if this is the end. You turn to your left and see Hollywood Hogan in his NWO shirt saying "gimme your hand, brother!" What a mindfuck. Andrew Ravens I WrestlingNews.co.7h Per @TMZ, Hulk Hogan helped rescue a woman involved in a bad car accident. END SPE 1:24 PM 1/15/24 From Earth-6.3M Views
  • 47
    michaela okland @MichaelaOkla That kid who got harambe killed is probably a teen now oh wow... probably on Tik tok. He's got the greatest 2 truths and a lie set up 11:20 PM 1/14/24 From Earth 2.8M Views 2.5K Reposts 79 Quotes

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