40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (January 27, 2024)

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  • 01
    Co T. Garielle @Locwittati I had an apartment inspection 6:50 AM 1/19/24 9.9M Views FRAGILE MASCULINITY" -ACTIST UNKNOWN 2024
  • 02
    Sorcha Ní Nia @Luiseach oh my gods what an annotation Hey guys, welcome back to my youtube chanel THE Vampire Lestat here. I have a story to tell you. It's about happened to me. It begins in Miami, in the year 1990, and I really want to start right there. But it's important that I tell you about the dreams I'd been having before that time, for they are very much part of the tale too. I'm talking now about dreams of a child vampire with a woman's mind and an angel's face, and a dream of my mortal
  • 03
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs Accidentally said "Shirley" instead of "Siri" and now my phone is stuck in Airplane mode 3:39 PM 1/20/24 From Earth-608K Views 1.5K Reposts 176 Quotes 15K Likes 195 Bookmarks
  • 04
    Scrümbled Eggs @scrumble_eggs This cover goes hard. GH Child of Mine www basic microwaving AUS Feeding with Lo and Good Sense microwave cooking library Satter CHAZ CORZINE Can THIN Young w to Survive the Real World APROTECTING THE 9:00 PM 1/19/24 - 1M Views ●.
  • 05
    Katie D @Katie Deal99 My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered "if you tell kids they're amazing at the chore they don't about doing it" and suddenly I'm questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw 6:54 PM 1/18/24 From Earth. 1.7M Views 3.1K Reposts 181 Quotes 77K Likes 1.7K Bookmarks
  • 06
    Matt Binder @MattBinder Geert Wilders @geertwilderspvv.1d We hebben een serieus probleem met de politieke ontwikkelingen mbt de dwangwet en ik hoop dat dat de komende dagen kan worden opgelost. 8:30 PM 1/18/24 From Earth. 786K Views ● 2.9K Reposts 67 Quotes 23K Likes 932 Bookmarks
  • 07
    sidereal @sidereal111 You're laughing. We hebben een serieus probleem and you're laughing 6:49 AM 1/19/24 From Earth. 1.4M Views 5.2K Reposts 142 Quotes
  • 08
    EPIS holy Emoji Caresser @LizRummy they're working together ars Ars Technica @arstechnica 17h Study finds bigfoot sightings correlate with black bear populations trib.al/LzhwjwC 4:00 PM 1/19/24 997K Views . 2K Reposts 11 Quotes 21K Likes 328 Bookmarks
  • 09
    Paige Moskowitz @paigemoskowitz my roommate and I have started texting each other like democratic fundraising messaging 8:57 Instagram 197 Naava Ellenberg > Washington, DC Paige - it's Nancy Pelosi and I'm asking for your help. When Naava takes out the trash, I NEED you to replace the bag. Otherwise, we're letting MAGA win!! Can I count on your support? .5G 62 Naava Ellenberg 9:00 PM 1/17/24 From Earth. 1.5M Views 0 Delivered
  • 10
    General Will @wdp1998 Imagine drinking 18 beers with the fellas then flying one of these bad boys 12:26 PM 1/17/24 From Earth 2M Views 2.9K Reposts 115 Quotes
  • 11
    Dr Sean Travers @seanjetravers Waiting for everyone to stop talking so you can announce you're going home 8:38 AM 1/17/24 From Earth 522K Views 1.1K Reposts 69 Quotes 16K Likes 512 Bookmarks
  • 12
    ос Reconstructionist @un_a_valeable was Ryan Gosling's childhood inspired to become an actor.[16] He "hated" being a child, [⁹][17] was bullied in elementary school,[18] and had no friends until he was "14 or 15". [19][20] In grade one, having been heavily influenced by the action film First Blood, he took steak knives to school and threw them at other children during recess. This incident led to a suspension.[17] He was unable to read, [21] what the 12:51 PM 1/16/24 From Earth. 1.3M Views 2.3K
  • 13
    Zach Raffio @zachraffio His parents really nailed it when they named him Walton Goggins. Like... that's Walton Goggins alright 8:13 PM 1/16/24 From Earth 1.3M Views 1.6K Reposts 127 Quotes 36K Likes 820 Bookmarks
  • 14
    miss hawai'i @berlinblackout A dj on the local college radio station was like "I found a bunch of my dad's old cds and made a mix for today" and played the shins, the pixies, modest mouse, death cab, postal service and the strokes 5:00 PM 1/16/24 From Earth. 1M Views . 1.5K Reposts 344 Quotes
  • 15
    Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs 9:28 PM 1/15/24 From Earth 1.3M Views 4.8K Reposts 188 Quotes
  • 16
    JR Kurosaki @HarlemGets Money Bullets start to what ???? 000 ST. O-Ren Ishii's husband @DefNotDeeOn... 22h Living in the hood is depressing .. you do simple like go to the store for groceries all of a sudden bullets start Rick or shaying everywhere smh 12:27 PM 1/19/24 2M Views
  • 17
    Doc @DocAtCDI A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus spilled its load leaving New York Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished, and numbed. VETERANS PLUMBING 4:52 PM 1/18/24 2.4M Views ●
  • 18
    ashley ray @theashleyray my uber driver was playing phish and i asked how many times he's seen them and he said "more times than i'd like to admit" and i went "pshh i'll go first brother: 12 times" and he went "124" 1:00 AM 1/20/24 From Earth 25K Views 12 Reposts 4 Quotes 996 Likes 21 Bookmarks
  • 19
    kira @kirawontmiss imagine taking a nap on the titanic ship and waking up to this 1:15 PM 1/19/24 From Earth. 2.3M Views 3.2K Reposts 98 Quotes 67K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 20
    Маделейн. @normalmadeline This is how girls in Boston, Massachusetts dress POP Pop Crave @PopCrave 21h CRAVE Drake looks handsome in new photo.
  • 21
    Tweets of Cats @TweetsOfCats a decision was made here 10:12 PM 1/18/24 From Earth 8.5M Views 12K Reposts 329 Quotes
  • 22
    june lewins @joonloons Bit late to give advice. ANNE BOLEYN DUCK £6.00 MORE ADD TO BASKET
  • 23
    lil h @bigsnugga i was on a call with a doctor at my job named dr epstein and i read his name and accidentally said "no relation i hope" and nobody said anything, dead silence on the call. im bout to get fired Imao 12:42 PM 1/18/24 From Earth. 5.1M Views . 7.2K Reposts 728 Quotes
  • 24
    Dad's keyboard AID 123 Jenni @hashjenni ALD ++++4440 O +++++K ✓= = = =+= . :) HO 7:01 AM 1/19/24 From Earth. 10M Views space 18K Reposts 2.1K Quotes return All
  • 25
    buffalo bill dan @Franzia Mom every relationship needs one person who says "What else has he been in" while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud 12:58 AM 1/19/24 From Earth- 2.6M Views 5K Reposts 1.6K Quotes
  • 26
    Q @Que_Hill That's family at this point Samurai Apocalypse @HeatherIsUnsane 1d Don't tell me how to live my life. ubu Opon 520 It's 2024 Time to let This go ㅈ
  • 27
    Jon Av RIC AS IGA adrian @yourpalcrawf this is nirvana in a parallel universe where kurt didn't die David Spade @David Spade 2d Happy birthday to one of my favorite people. #jimcarrey. 9:32 AM 1/19/24 From Earth 1M Views
  • 28
    eleanor @dimestorepaglia i haven't been able to stop thinking about this. in 1000 years this will be completely indecipherable like the ancient sumerian bar joke "a dog walked into a tavern and said 'i can't see a thing. i'll open this one"" chinese broccoli lesnar @broccylesnar 5d "Dad why is my sister's name Rose?" "Because your mother loves roses" "Thanks dad" "No problem Josh"
  • 29
    greg @greg16676935420 Life Hack: if there is a "custom" tip option you can sometimes enter a negative number and make your meal cheaper 15% Good 20% Wow! No Tip Add a Tip YOUR BILL: $34.40 18% Great 30% Custom 3:16 PM 1/18/24 From Earth. 1.7M Views clover.com/privacy 618 Reposts 102 Quotes 16K Likes 436 Bookmarks
  • 30
    trash jones @jzux yeah i'll hop on a call. right after i hop off the top of the tallest building in town 12:27 AM 1/18/24 From Earth. 1M Views ● 3.2K Reposts 86 Quotes 30K Likes 707 Bookmarks
  • 31
    7/11 Truther @Dave McNamee3000 This is how it feels to be drunk in an Uber BiffDon @BiffDon 15h Eagle carrying an entire adult deer J Tik Tok @lifeoflanimals606 0:03 8:50 PM 1/20/24 From Earth 241K Views cá
  • 32
    conner @winterweather you think dua lipa has watched john cena vs umaga at the 2007 royal rumble POP Pop Crave @PopCrave 1d CRAVE Dua Lipa calls John Cena her "emotional support actor": "I can't do a single thing without him. I've loved working with him. I think we're each other's emotional support actor" CENAT 6:43 PM 1/19/24 From Earth. 5M Views . 4.8K Reposts 78 Quotes 66K Likes 2K Bookmarks
  • 33
    maya @mayaisfiya last night i was so drunk and i got in my uber and the guy was like take the aux and just play whatever u listen to!! and my dumbass decided we were going to finish my audiobook together. and then i showed up at the club bawling my eyes out bc the ending was so beautiful :( 10:36 AM 1/20/24 From Earth 174K Views . 84 Reposts 5 Quotes 4.2K Likes 83 Bookmarks
  • 34
    M @Wheeema my brain at 3am Let's review your mistakes! 3:50 PM 1/19/24 9.5M Views 92K Reposts 1.9K Quotes
  • 35
    kira @kirawontmiss LMAOOOO facebook is wild Princess Red. Follow 9h- When my SON don't answer the phone, I pull up on ROBLOX I am NOT finna play with you!! 5: Ok bye www.do Sat. 08:33 AM Lilsush Sys55 top 5 pocidunt harrebelka MsMira8: Yo MrsMira8: Tate e tages out the frescer and garlic besed so I can cook it Sat. 11:49 AM en me calling you missed you but bae I got a new Yea Take the lasagna out the freezer and garlic bread so I can cook it Mom This imani U seem me calling you
  • 36
    trash jones @jzux throwing a PowerPoint party but everyone is doing a presentation on what their job actually is and what they actually do for it every day 2:31 PM 1/20/24 From Earth. 3.9M Views . 7.4K Reposts 944 Quotes
  • 37
    kate bush's husband @airbagged Anyone wanna come over and do this Position 506. Crazy monkey Posion club 2:21 PM 1/20/24 2M Views Dangerous 2.9K Reposts 1K Quotes SexPositions Club
  • 38
    Anthony Zonfrelli @azonfrelli In the criminal fahkin justice system, the people ah represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offendahs. These ah their stories, kid. ON RUN WARDS DUNKIN DONUTS 4:01 PM 1/20/24 From Earth 36K Views
  • 39
    @time222smoke being coworkers is such an intimate bond lowkey like we both have to deal with these man-made horrors beyond comprehension on a daily basis we kinda locked tf in 11:11 AM - 1/20/24 From Earth 2.2M Views 8.3K Reposts 1K Quotes
  • 40
    ThatSouthernWaifu @RealHotNerdShit Very intense" we was wolves" reminiscing is taking place miami @therlky 1d Lmao he won't come back in the house
  • 41
    bum @BattleRapBum "I have a team" FL Jaxx Dynamite @JaxxDynamite 12h Wait. Yall. MLK came back to root for the Ravens?!?! ON ON VISIONAL #4 10 RAV RAVENS 24 576

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