‘Family is where the heart is’: Man Turns Down Biological Siblings' Attempt at Reconciliation Following Three Decades of No Communication

Author image for Sienna Varady
Sienna Varady
Apr 18, 2024 8:00 AM EDT

Nothing is more important than family. You can always count on your family to support you in good times and bad. Who, though, do you regard as family? Who raised you and molded you into the person you are today, or is it the individuals who brought you into this world and then abandoned you to fend for yourself?

The story below is the story of a confused individual. The Original Poster (OP) entered foster care at the age of eleven weeks. At four years old, he was formally adopted by his amazing parents. OP affirms that he is content with his family and couldn't have asked for a finer upbringing, almost thirty years after entering the system. He thus clarifies that he has no interest in developing a relationship with his biological siblings when they attempt to reconcile.

Having said that, the biological siblings did not accept the rejection well, which made OP reevaluate his choice and look to Reddit for guidance on handling this difficult situation. So, if you are curious to find out exactly what was said and how OP graciously declined their request for a reconciliation, be sure to check out the story down below! Additionally, after you've finished reading, don't forget to check out the story of the mother-in-law who pushes herself into every photo during her son's wedding while wearing a white gown!

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  • 01
    I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11 week old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them. Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no.
    via canva
  • 02
    AITA for telling my birth siblings I owe them no apology or expressions of regret for being adopted while they were kept?
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 03
    I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11 week old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them. Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no. So I was placed back into foster care and after two
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 04
    weeks of a temporary placement I found my parents. I was 11 months old at the time. My parents were the best parents anyone could ask. for. I have three siblings from my parents. Two were their bio kids and one was also a kid they adopted from foster care. My family is very close today and it includes a very very large extended family where my sister and I adopted from foster care were treated as their own and no different than the bld grandkids. It was a very happy life.
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 05
    My birth parents went on to have three additional children who are now 22, 20 and 19. My birth siblings sought me out two years ago on social media and told me they wanted us to be a family. I expressed at the time that I had zero interest in this. A few months after this I got another DM from them but this time with a word document attached and it contained this very heartfelt explanation of how they had always been aware I
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 06
    existed and how their childhood had not been the best but they valued each other and how they longed for me to be a part of their lives and how they felt we were robbed of growing up together. I did not respond to this right away because it did read as something from the heart but I did not agree with them and did not feel robbed. So I didn't want to be aj k. I told them I needed some time and when I did respond, I told them I had a
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 07
    very happy life and a wonderful family and I was sorry to not share their sentiments. They asked if we could meet one time and I agreed and it happened a couple of weeks ago. They were upset that my siblings were nearby for moral support and they were upset that I did not show up ready to hug and embrace them. They asked me how I could be happy being adopted and raised in another family when I had real, blod siblings, etc.
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 08
    They asked me how I could express joy because of my adoption knowing this. I explained again that my life was happy and I would not trade my family for the world, especially given their parents treatment of me. They told me I should want them and apologize for making it seem like I don't. I told. them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept.
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 09
    Of course this was not what they wanted to hear and I left because they clearly wanted to argue after that. My siblings, parents as well as my wife were a wonderful support to me after this. But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was r de to mine and threw them away. AITA?
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 10
    ConfusedAt63 16 hr. ago · edited 12 hr. ago NTA, you did not throw anyone away. Your bio parents are the ones that bear the responsibility of your being adopted. They had to sign papers giving you up. They knew what they were doing. You owe them nothing. Just because they are bio related does not mean a d ned thing. Family is who treats you well bc they choose to. Edit: the bio parents are wrong, not the siblings
    via u/ConfusedAt63
  • 11
    Afraid_Lab_7694 OP 16 hr. ago They actually didn't sign papers to give me up. Their rights were removed for my safety.
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 12
    specialkk77. 16 hr. ago Partassipant [2] Either way their parental rights were terminated and it's despicable of them that they raised their other children thinking of you as a long lost sibling or something. It's their fault these children have expectations of you. My bio mother. did the same thing with her other children.
    via u/specialkk77
  • 13
    She told them I was "stolen" from her (she willingly signed the adoption paperwork lol) and that I was their big sister and that she wanted us all to be together. A load of garbage to make herself feel better.
    via u/specialkk77
  • 14
    MissSuzieSunshine 16 hr. ago · edited 16 hr. ago Ohhhh Noooo NOT the A ole NTA !!! I, too, was adopted. My birth Mother found me when I was in Uni and 'wanted me back' she kept going on and on about how I was stolen and it wasnt her fault etc. (she put me into foster care and then a year later came and gave me up completely. I was 3 at the time).
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 15
    My adopted parents "My parents' were wonderful. I had the best life. I had several siblings who were also adopted (from different other parents than mine). I know I have about 5 or 6 siblings from my Birth Mother and Father but they have never sought me out. Had they chosen to, I would have met them but I would have had the same reaction as
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 16
    you. I was a child (as you were) when I was adopted and had NO say in it AT ALL. I only knew that I was loved and fed and cared for beautifully. Just as you did. You owe NO ONE an apology and it is unacceptable for them to come at you trying to make you feel guilty or shame you into having a relationship with them.
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 17
    It took me FIVE YEARS to feel comfortable meeting my Bio Mother, because MY MOM was the woman who raised me, not this stranger. Do NOT feel bad or guilty or shamed or anything for YOUR feelings about YOUR life.
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 18
    owls_and_cardinals 17 hr. ago NTA. Your birth siblings' expectations of you were not reasonable. Perhaps they had an idealized image of a reunion with their long-lost brother but these situations are so much more complex than that. It's ok to not share their mindset on the situations you each faced. There is a lot more to anyone's life than the group they were born into, and it's certainly not your fault you feel the way you do. They are effectively
    via u/owls_and_cardinals
  • 19
    strangers to you, and your response seems, to me, completely rational and understandable. It's strangely blind for them to think it's somehow 'wrong' for you to like your life, to love your family, or to grateful and happy that you were adopted.
    via u/owls_and_cardinals
  • 20
    The fact that some adoptees wish to find their birth families and struggle to do so is irrelevant. You are NOT obligated to have a certain type of reaction to your birth family - especially given - the pressure they are applying to you to honor what other adoptees might want. That seems really misguided.
    via u/owls_and_cardinals
  • 21
    YouthNAsia63 · 17 hr. ago You have a family. You are happy. You don't want another family, but if these random people that contacted you had been a little less demanding that you be happy and wanting shove it down your throat that they are your family and, hey, we want an apology for making it seem like you don't want them... well, maybe you would warm up to them, gradually.
    via u/YouthNAsia63
  • 22
    They might have known about you, all along. But as far as you are concerned, these people came out of the woodwork. You don't ever have to gather them to your bosom, but if you do, it can take some time. NTA
    via u/YouthNAsia63
  • 23
    tinyd71 17 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] I think that the adoption experience is probably unique. You have yours. You're also an adult, so you are able to make decisions and choices for yourself. It sounds like you were fortunate with your adoption experience and were brought into a loving home and had a lovely childhood.
    via u/tinyd71
  • 24
    You are also not required to extend your family or reclaim your birth family because that's what THEY want. You considered their request, met with them, and...still feel the same way. NTA
    via u/tinyd71

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advice adoption dramatic happy ending entitlement siblings loyalty self worth family feud relationship advice wholesome askreddit reddit story self care family drama subreddit
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