Let me preface all of this by saying that dating apps aren’t inherently bad—many people have met their lifelong partners on apps. There are certainly attractive aspects to the effortless world of dating apps, albeit among teeming downsides. For the many people who haven’t met their eternal match yet, it’s almost too easy to criticize dating apps. Does the convenience of pressing a button for a date or hookup really benefit us in the long run? Is there something to be said about the beauty and serendipity of inconvenience when it comes to dating?
At the touch of a button you can meet up with someone for a date or hookup. Beautiful, independent women and handsome, rich men all within the proximity of an arm’s length. The effortless waves of messaging, meeting, and ghosting keep everyone in single purgatory, whether they realize it or not. It’s as if this vacillation between hope and disappointment is addicting, and it’s obvious that the dating app creators understood this about the human psyche.
Via Ahmani Vidal from Getty Images Signature
Dating in the Age of Baby Boomers and Gen X
In past dating eras, the trajectory of single to married had a much simpler path. Generations growing up before personal handheld technologies didn’t ask the same questions about dating that millennials and Gen Z ask, nor was the technology available back then. People didn’t question gender’s role in dating the same way or have the same expectations about getting married by a certain (young) age. So how did Smartphones and technology change dating?
We are all aware of the progressive strides society has made for women’s rights, and I’m certainly not envious of women who grew up in generations before me, but it’s also intrinsically tied to dating and courtship. Before modern feminism, men and women had crystal clear roles in society. Again, I’m not praising this societal prison! I’m merely pointing out its multifaceted nature. If the man was the pursuer, then the woman was the pursued. If the man was supposed to make the first move, and learn the art of courtship or chivalry, then the woman was there to receive or reject a man’s offer for a date. Everyone (more or less) was in agreement on at least who was supposed to do what to initiate dating. Nowadays, it feels like both men and women are confused on who’s supposed to do what, and how they’re supposed to do it. Many men don’t even feel comfortable going up to women anymore, not to the fault of women, but due to shifting extremes in social norms regarding courting and gender roles.
Generations before also had clear, agreed-upon, defined courtship steps for the dating process. “Dating” meant that when two people were together, it was working towards marriage. These days, there are many people confused as to whether they’re even dating each other or not.
The countless memes and reels about what it’s like dating in 2024 highlight the disingenuous, artificial, and ephemeral nature of modern dating. Measuring your time spent together, or dates you’ve been on, no longer matter in how you define your relationship to someone, hence the modern term, “situationship.” On Urban Dictionary, situationship is defined as, “less than a relationship, but more than a casual hookup, a relationship that is, and will remain, undefined.” It’s a constant state of “we don’t know what we are.” Oftentimes one person wants more, and the other may like to keep the backburner aglow for the comfort and stability of not having to introduce them to friends, family, or apply emotional connection and trust building. This essential colloquialism tells us everything we need to know about modern dating; that it’s a transitory, noncommittal placement phase—but for many it lasts for far too long.
Modern dating
There have been studies, personal anecdotes, and cultural references all trying to understand the qualms and conundrums of dating apps. It essentially breaks down into five sections: Illusions, monogamy of interest, commodification, technology addiction, and gender differences.
Illusions
The online interface is riddled with edited images, distortions, and AI. Almost everything we see is airbrushed, nip-tucked, and photoshopped. The beginning of our dating illusions (or disillusions) starts here, in the image-oriented world that we now live in. Social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok have transformed societal values to rely on the persona of an individual, rather than the individual themselves.
Besides the photo-based nature of the device, it stimulates the notion that there are unlimited people out there just for you. Plus, you could never meet as many people out in one night as you do on dating apps, distorting the idea of availability. The app creates a simulation of courting, where the odds are seemingly in your control. This notion of attainable people and dates in colossal quantities creates an ecosystem of disengaged, apathetic, and desensitized singles. The apps don’t encourage effort or eloquence, in fact it’s discouraged.
Monogamy of interest
Predicated off of the initial idea that there’s a nearly-unlimited number of options out there, it makes it impossible to stay focused and interested in one person. Monogamy of interest isn’t implying monogamy is a better relationship, or that couples should practice monogamy. Rather, having interest in one person at a time allows two people to actually form something out of it. These days it’s more common to have 100 first dates. It’s said that curiosity killed the cat, and maybe nowadays a more accurate phrase is curiosity made everyone stay single forever.
Commodification
Illusions about options fulfills the inability to stay interested in one person, which in turn transforms the world of dating into a creature akin to the world of business and marketing: The commodification of ourselves. Your dating app profile is not unlike a marketing page. In a way, you are trying to sell yourself. You are competing with other “products” to strike “relationship gold.” Modern dating apps have created a “buyer/seller” dynamic between two people. With the press of a button, one can get a new date, new person, or new hookup. In a world where love is commodified, and intimacy is digitalized, no one has the upper hand. Everyone is on the same rat wheel of competition, and that begs the question: How do you get someone to take interest in you with all this competition?
Technology addiction
Let’s face it, real life interactions for dating are essentially nonexistent. When even a few years ago there was more in-person engagement for dating, these days, no one seems to be approaching each other.
To risk sounding like a boomer: We’re all absorbed in our phones and dating apps are part of the reason why. For far too many of us, scrolling, judging, and swiping have become part of our morning and nightly routines, and even part of our relaxation time.
There are a myriad of reasons that people don’t flirt with each other in real life. Nobody has any practice or basis for how to pursue a romantic interest through the art of in-person interactions. Dating has become a convenience, like taking your fast food from a drive-thru window.
Hetero men vs women
Though both men and women can have positive and negative experiences and outcomes with dating apps, there are some extreme differences. Based on a particular study, straight females reported having more frustrating experiences with Tinder than straight men did. The research found that frustration occurred with females mostly in the form of offensive messages. Women in the study felt disrespected and as if the app is designed for men alone.
The study also explains that men reported feeling insecure when using dating apps, even after receiving a ton of matches. The most jarring gender difference from the study was that there was only one woman quoted as saying she “benefited” from using Tinder, while almost all of the men in the study said it was the best way to “find an easy date.” The benefit of “flirting at home” and options for intimacy was also only cited by men. When asked about the negatives of using Tinder, women reported higher rates of feeling disrespected and that the app focused too much on physical intimacy, whereas men did not report this to be a downside.
Via pocstock
Obviously, everyone has their own personal experiences with the app, both ups and downs. It’s an ingenious app in many different ways, while simultaneously hindering the actual formation of relationships. Again, lots of people are able to meet a loving partner via dating apps, but it also very much rewards ephemeral interactions, narcissists, and emotional unavailability.
Dating apps have forever changed the way people date, love, and find partners. It’s shaped these recent generations’ ideals about relationship expectations, definitions, and trajectory. Through the numerous downsides, there are successful stories of people finding their lifelong partners on the apps, as well as positive experiences in dating and meeting new people. As Dante Aligheri’s, The Paradise says, “Fate's arrow, when expected, travels slow,” so consider ditching the apps and downloading patience into your dating history.
Via bpperry from Getty Images with Nika Ray from Nika Ray
Thumbnail attribution: studioroman and quote by Esther Perel