A headline from a New York Times op-ed asking “Is the Cure to Male Loneliness Out on the Pickleball Court” has become a meme, with online creators swapping out “pickleball court” for any matter of things, from “thugging it out” to “having 3 beers and acting strange at a dive bar.” This proliferation of jokes suggests that the underlying question strikes a deep chord with the online generation. But you don’t need a meme to tell you that. Signs of loneliness are all around.
Psychology Today says that 45 percent of Gen Z report “excellent” or “very good” mental health, marking the lowest percentage of any generation. The list of guesses as to why this is the case is long and varied, from the impact of a pandemic on burgeoning social lives, to the stress of climate change, to the atomization of our lives thanks to social media algorithms. A more interesting question, though, is what do we do about it? What solutions should we put forth for our young adults? If we feel powerless against structural forces, we can start with the personal.
In Julia Cameron’s foundational self-help book, The Artist’s Way, she puts forth a suggestion of "Artist Dates:” Solo, weekly excursions designed to feed your creativity. It might be a trip to a museum, a walk around a new part of town, a trip to the movies to see that new arthouse film or anything else that might feed your soul. All that matters is that you do it alone and that you commit to it every week. Though this book is for artists or people who want to unlock their creativity in any way, this advice is useful for anyone, especially young people trying to find their way out of their online bubbles.
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I’ve been to movies by myself, I’ve been to dinners by myself, I’ve been to parties by myself, and I’ve been to entire countries by myself. There’s a learning curve in the beginning, no doubt. You might feel awkward or unsure, but you just have to lean into it. Bring a book, a journal to write in, or a sketch book to draw in if it helps. Some of the best meals I’ve ever had I’ve had alone, perhaps because I was totally focused on the food, and not on keeping up conversation with a dinner partner. I’ve had some of my best ideas while out by myself, inspired by my surroundings and the spaciousness to reflect. But most importantly, I’ve made some incredible connections on my own, especially with other people who were on their own too. Though it might seem counterintuitive, being alone in the world can help you feel less alone.
Going out alone doesn’t come the easiest for some. You might feel like it’s “weird” to be somewhere by yourself. You might wonder what you’re supposed to do with your hands. You might worry about looking friendless. In my experience, the only one thinking that is you. If you’re having a good time, the other people around you won’t be weirded out, they might even be envious. Plus, if your server thinks you’re lonely, they might send you a glass of champagne, on the house! It’s even some restaurant’s policy to do this for solo diners. Little do they know you were having fun anyway—now you’re having extra fun.
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When you’re out by yourself, you have even more chances to eavesdrop on the conversations happening around you, which brings me to my next point: Talk. To. Strangers. This might sound against the advice of any mother who watches too much Dateline, but talking to strangers is key to feeling connected. This doesn't mean stopping everyone on the street to ask them what their favorite color is, it means being open to interactions in situations where you might naturally be closed. Ask your server what restaurants they like to go to on their nights off. Tell the woman in line for the bathroom that you like her purse. Even just saying “thank you” to the bus driver as you’re getting off the bus is nice. All of these moments come together to form a constellation of community. These interactions might not always go smoothly, but that’s the point. You’re bumping up with humanity, making connections, and allowing yourself to be open to new experiences. You go from one person living their life alone to one part of a greater whole, all trying to coexist together.
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I’m not the only one embracing this mentality. There’s a new trend on TikTok where people film themselves having sweet interactions with people they didn’t previously know. A title card reads, “Laugh with every stranger. The stranger the better.” or “Dance with every stranger. The stranger the better.” One woman dances with the housekeeping staff at a hotel. Another gives a piggyback ride to a bathroom attendant. All share an air of positivity and a sense that the world isn’t such a scary place after all.
This might all sound like a long-winded way to say “touch grass,” but it’s more than that. It’s about reifying your commitment to the world around you. It’s about creating the type of community you’d like to live in, and it’s about not waiting for anyone’s permission to do so, because if you can’t love your own company, it’s hard to love anyone else’s.