'He's SO blind': Empowered Women Discuss the Unbalanced Amount of Mental Load Boyfriends and Husbands Expect Their Girlfriends and Wives to Carry

He does the chores, but who makes the chores list and makes sure everyone remembers to do them?

Author image for Elna McHilderson Elna McHilderson
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    "Female contribution to the family can be summed up in the simple fact that mothers could never have a secret second family."
    via Paul-W via Flickr
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    Boyfriend is oblivious to the internalized mental load women are expected to carry... I read this tweet recently: "I feel like female contribution to the family can be summed up in the simple fact that mothers could absolutely never have a 'secret second family"." So my boyfriend and I had a conversation the other day discussing our careers while raising kids. I repeated this tweet, saying I had been thinking about how true this is. Plus listening to my friends (who are new moms and work full ti
    via falalalalallal
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    Well my boyfriend was so offended by this tweet. He felt like its not fair to assume men don't carry their fair share of parenting load. He said he wants to be a fully present father for his kids and to secure his business so it can run smoothly while he is "#1 Dad". He says he wants to be completely hands on. Okay, that sounds great in theory. Fast forward to tonight: We're on the phone and he brings up the wedding we're going to in a week.
    via falalalalallal
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    He has no idea where it is, when it is, what hotel we are staying at, for how many nights, whats planned for food, what restaurants and activities are booked, what present I got them (from both of us), what time we need to leave to beat traffic, what our other friends have planned so we can join them. But guess who has a full time job, plus side gigs, and has still spent a significant amount of mental energy planning everything about this wedding trip for the both of us? Who has mentioned these
    via falalalalallal
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    PumpkinPielsGreat . 10h ago Ask him what fully present and being a good father means and go from there. See what he lists for being a good father. Is it washing sheets that were puked on at 3am? Or does he mention things that show you he is only thinking of the fun times? Fun is important but see if he mentions anything serious, too. Ө 1.6K ☐ Reply
    via PumpkinPieIsGreat
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    detrive 11h ago What did he say when you pointed out how his ignorance about the wedding plans supports the tweet he was so offended by? Ө 2K ☐ Reply falalalalallal OP. 9h ago We had just gotten off the phone for the night and I processed it after. I will talk to him 1.1K Reply ...
    via detrive
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    myfootisnumb • 9h ago My husband and I have a newborn and a toddler at home. We got into a sleep-deprived spat about how he felt he was doing an unfair share of the labor with our toddler and keeping house as I recover from surgery. We have had many discussions about the unequal split of household duties in the past. I explained to him that he absolutely IS doing an unfair share of the labor. He is doing MY SHARE OF THE LABOR.
    via myfootisnumb
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    He admitted it is "shocking" how much time and energy taking care of our 3 year old is, and the. Trying to keep up with all the chores of al household, making appointments, etc. Happy to report I haven't really had to lift a finger during my recovery except to nurse and slowly get back into the swing of things. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming has all been done so that I don't have a mess to clean up once I'm back on my feet. It is amazing how things go unnoticed. 727 ☐ Reply
    via myfootisnumb
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    ChillyAus 11h ago . Start practicing now. Be ultra intentional about your SHARED life responsibilities from now. Until you've legitimately practiced 50/50 or close to and he backs up his theory with practice, do not fall pregnant. It's called the aspiration and values gap. They think they know what they're talking about and they believed their values and actions align. They do not. It will bite you both in the long term. 931 ☐ Reply
    via ChillyAus
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    allnadream 10h ago • This is a good indicator of what he'll be like as a father. "Fully present" in his mind likely means he'll be at the big events, and he'll help with the obvious basics (food, bedtime, diapers). He will not keep up with the schedule for school or daycare. He won't know when there's a staff development day at school and other arrangements need to be made for your too- young-to-stay-home-alone child. He won't know when a birthday present needs to be bought for a classmate. He w
    via allnadream
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    He's going to care more about your future child than he does this upcoming wedding, yes, but here's the thing: These sort of day-to-day chores associated with parenthood are not what anyone imagines with they think of having a child. They imagine the BIG things and the fun things. If he doesn't have to think about the day-to-day stuff, he won't. If you step in and do all these things, he'll 100% let you and still genuinely believe that he's a fully engaged and involved father. 742 Reply
    via allnadream
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    One-Armed-Krycek • 11h ago Time to let him start fending for himself on all tasks that you step up to do for him. "I looked into a wedding gift for the wedding. What did you get them?" Drive into town then say, "Where did you book a hotel?" (Not saying you have already done it.) Ask, "What is for dinner?" "What did you get at the grocery store for the week?" "What did X friend say about their plans?"
    via One-Armed-Krycek
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    Let him flounder. I would expect it to be, "Well I thought YOU were going to do that?" You: "What do you mean?" Him: "blah blah. You usually do it; you are better at gift-selection; etc." You: "I assumed since there is a sharing of the load, you would have done it." Watch him squirm. If he still doesn't get its. Fuuuck... up to you what to do next. 1K ☐ Reply
    via One-Armed-Krycek
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    CaliGoneTexas 9h ago I'd start being the man in the relationship. Stop handing everything and start expecting him to do it. Treat him like your wife and start looking to him for everything. Literally, expect him to handle everything. If you lose a sock in the dryer ask him where it is. Someone will have to do it and since you are doing it he isn't growing anymore. 178 Reply
    via CaliGoneTexas
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    HatpinFeminist • 11h ago Don't remind him of anything for this upcoming wedding. Get ready/prepare to go by yourself. Take his name off the gift. Don't let him baby trap you either. He's not "blind". He's entitled AF. 160 ungovernable • Reply 10h ago Yeah. No matter how much men blather on about splitting responsibilities, many of them really just want a housekeeper they can breed with. Then they'll maybe unload the dishwasher half the time (and usually only when their wife tells them) and think
    via HatpinFeminist
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    phoenyx1980 • 8h ago OMG. You are so right. I'm a SAHM, but I'm trying to re-enter the workforce part time. My husband doesn't want me to because... Are you ready?.... How will I keep up with all the housework if I have to go to work? Who will do all the things I do now? But most importantly, don't expect him to do extras because he already does extras now.
    via phoneyx1980
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    Our son had a birthday party last weekend. I did everything for it. Son was opening gifts and husband asked who gave him the particular Lego set. It was us. I bought the gift, I showed my husband after he got home what I bought, then I put said gift away to be wrapped later for the birthday. I have more stories, but this is just an example. 129 Reply
    via phoneyx1980
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    notfromheremydear 8h ago • A ytuber I watch said recently, it's no wonder men have so much energy to cheat because all the household and emotional work load is piled up on the woman. If certain guys did their fair share, they wouldn't have all that energy to cheat. Obviously it's a joke but also some truth in it. 122 Reply
    via notfromheremydear
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    LordyltsMuellerTime 10h ago • Idk... Do you really want to marry this guy? This is what you'll be stuck with the rest of your life. I'm a firm believer in: if he doesn't make your life easier and better then why do you need him?? Spoiler alert: he is constantly going to make more work for you 108 Reply ...
    via LordyItsMuellerTime
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    mycatiscalled Frodo • 9h ago "I've been thinking about conversation and I love the fact you want to take a 50/50 approach to our relationship. If you can write down all the chores that need doing and then we can split it equally, and if you can write down all your family events on the calendar and take over buying gifts/making arrangements then I'll look after my side and you can do yours. I'm really looking forward to working as a team with you, so many women have partners who just don't unders
    via mycatiscalledFrodo
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    InAcquaVeritas • • 8h ago Edited 7h ago From lived experience, do not trust his words, look at his actions. What you see now is the best you're ever going to get. He has no idea about the amount of care, logistics and mental strength required to have children, you'll likely end up doing 99% of it while he will do one school run a week and expect a medal for it. A man who doesn't show sign of fully looking after himself and after you as much as you look after him is not an equal partner and won't
    via InAcquaVeritas

  • Welcome to womanhood. Where society has ingrained inequality in every person, including women. That's right, it doesn't matter how feminist you claim you are, you most likely do something that is still internalized misogyny. For example, this girlfriend took to Reddit to vent about her boyfriend's ironic behavior. He claims to be a “feminist" and puts in an equal amount of work into the relationship. But then when it came to planning a trip the both were going on, he didn't lift a finger. As it gets closer to the travel dates, she realizes he has no idea where they are staying, what they are doing, their budget, what gift they “both” got for the wedding they're attending, etc. And yet, he still thinks he put in 50% of the workload? Come on, ya'll. That is called weaponize incompetence and some men even do this unintentionally. Many women in this discussion agree that most men pull this kind of entitled uneven distribution of the mental workload by accident, they were literally just not raised by someone who had them taking on those chores. While other women think that some men do this 100% intentionally and it all stems from entitlement and the societal need for those traditional husband/wife roles. What do you think? See highlights from the discussion below!

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boyfriend wifey besties mothers weaponized incompetence wives wife fathers discussion internalized misogyny parenting husband feminism girlies women supporting women Reddit TwoXChromosomes women dating
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