40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (July 13, 2024)

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    via @atrophicbtrfly posting on instagram is so humiliating like here's my life i guess, jesus christ 10:36 PM 6/30/24 From Earth 4.5M Views • 15K Reposts 1.1K Quotes .
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    trash jones @jzux of course i have a nighttime routine. it's called 30-75 minutes on my phone 12:49 AM · 7/4/24 From Earth · 797K Views • 2.9K Reposts 60 Quotes 36K Likes 407 Bookmarks
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    barry pierce @BarryPierce glad that we soft launched Irish names on the world with Saoirse and Aoife so now we can launch a full assault with Caoilfhionn N Netflix UK & Ireland N@NetflixUK. 1d Production has begun in Northern Ireland on Derry Girls creator @LisaMMcGee's new Netflix comedy thriller series, How To Get To Heaven From Belfast. Starring Roísín Gallagher, Sinéad Keenan and Caoilfhionn Dunne as three childhood friends, now in their late 30s, who come Show more 7:52 AM 7/1/24 From Earth
  • 04
    camila @mcamilaapx some girl just crashed into me and we both didn't know what to do so we called our dads and we're just standing here holding our phones together so our dads can talk to each other 6:22 PM 7/3/24 From Earth - 8.9M Views 22K Reposts 4.5K Quotes
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    evil rylee @immrylee I'm sorry your autism makes you weird. Mine makes me funny and better than everyone else. 5:22 PM 7/2/24 From Earth • 4.1M Views 10K Reposts 855 Quotes
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    LorazeKim T @_KimberleyAnna If you see someone crying ask them if it's because of their haircut 11:52 AM 6/26/24 From Earth 520K Views 1.2K Reposts 53 Quotes 15K Likes 442 Bookma
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    Alison @TradWife2049 You've just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You've loaded up RuneScape on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 41 years old. The year is 2024. 11:07 PM 7/2/24 From Earth 2.6M Views • 4.1K Reposts 224 Quotes
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    slate @PleaseBeGneiss what if biden announces he wants Kamala to take over but then with his dying breath he tells his wife it should be Hunter and also there are dragons • 10:27 PM 7/2/24 From Earth 812K Views • 1.8K Reposts 67 Quotes 26K Likes 556 Bookmarks
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    НТӨЯСНІЛОЦ @kingtorc If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood. 10:12 AM 7/2/24 From Earth 740K Views • 2.9K Reposts 132 Quotes 29K Likes 667 Bookmar
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    buck tooth @Royal_McPoyle i bought a new car battery and it was like $220 and the girl at auto zone said "wanna see how much it would cost if you needed 99 of them?" and i said "okay" so she typed 99 in the quantity and the price went to $23000 and she said "thats how much it would cost” and i said "okay" 12:23 AM 6/13/24 From Earth 7M Views • 17K Reposts 2.1K Quotes
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    Read Rodge Rodger Sherman @rodger How is Slovenia so good at sports. You have the population of New Mexico how do you have guys making the NBA Finals and winning the Tour de France and shutting down Ronaldo at the Euros. What is going on over there 5:28 PM 7/1/24 From Earth ⚫ 3.9M Views • 781 Reposts 184 Quotes 18K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
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    Ron Iver @ronnui Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry? Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now. 3:32 PM 7/2/24 From Earth . 5.2K Views 28 Reposts 1 Quote 246 Likes 4 Bookmarks
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    Kim Tran @but_im_kim_tran Never teaching my kids to "rise above." Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you're going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don't stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you. 8:41 PM 7/4/24 · 1.1M Views • • 9K Reposts 283 Quotes 52K Likes 2K Bookmarks
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    Anna @itsafronomics I JUST WANT PRECEDENTED TIMES FOR ONCE. I'm so tired. . 11:06 AM 7/1/24 From Earth 569K Views 3.7K Reposts 133 Quotes 24K Likes 302 Bookmarks
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    Ted Geoghegan @tedgeoghegan Go ahead and destroy the US Supreme Court, Godzilla. Make the people happy. 1:46 PM 7/1/24 From Earth ⚫980K Views 5.9K Reposts 50 Quotes 29K Likes 664 Bookmarks
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    Kyle @KylePlantEmoji Maybe this is a "ceci n'est pas une pipe" situation but surely this is the largest sculpture that Looks like a potato masher. Can something Be something if it will not and cannot be used for that purpose? Timothy Aeppel @Tim Aeppel. 1d TIL the world's largest potato masher is in Plover, Wisconsin.
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    ABSON Pete Gibson, Union Printer @peteymca Bluey's mom, Chilli, is an airport security dog. This implies there was a Dog 9/11 11:24 AM 7/3/24 From Earth 1.6M Views • 2.1K Reposts 108 Quotes 44K Likes 1K Bookmarks
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    Amy Colleen @sewistwrites No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. "Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN." 2:52 PM 7/3/24 From Earth 702K Views 1.8K Reposts 63 Quotes 53K Likes 974 Bookmarks
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    Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein this looks like the before and after of a guy who started eating humans NEWSNATION TUESDAY VFOX NEWS 2:42 PT DECISION DESK '24 RFK JR: I WOULDN'T EAT A HUMAN THE FIVE 9:16 PM 7/3/24 From Earth . 182K Views • 381 Reposts 17 Quotes 5.2K Likes 103 Bookmarks
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    Andy Kaczynski @KFILE Not getting on any sort of craft with any Kennedy Win an Afternoon of Sailing on the Pacific With RFK, Jr. WIN A DAY OF SAILING ON THE PACIFIC WITH RFK JR. PAID FOR BY TEAM KENNEDY 2 ~ Deadline for entry was Thursday, February 29 at 11:59 pm ET. ~
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    evan @evangrizlon My dog the second i accidentally drop his leash BBC NEWS Let me say this as clearly and simply as I can: I'm running Joe Biden US President • 11:04 AM 7/5/24 From Earth - 326K Views . 844 Reposts 23 Quotes 17K Likes 353 Bookmarks
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    Brandon @Brandon93Smith I know at least 10 guys who would buy this immediately if they knew about it التوحيد والجهاد 4:09 PM 7/2/24 From Earth · 2.6M Views
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    please be nice to patrick @ruff_bluffs They're putting kamala's hand in the dune pain box right now 1:34 PM 7/2/24 From Earth 699K Views . 1.6K Reposts 82 Quotes 22K Likes 544 Bookmarks
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    molly conger @socialistdogmom thanks for the updates, guys ● Joe Biden I'm running 4:37 PM > I know the past few days have been tough. I'm sure you're getting a lot of questions. I'm sure m... ● MAGA Shirt from Trump I'm wearing a shirt. 4:30 PM > Madeleine, it's Red. It's MAGA. Do you want one? 4:45 PM 7/3/24 From Earth ⚫ 1.2M Views •
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    Young Parik ❤ @YoungParikPatel Why is he at a gas station Wave Check@thewavecheckk. 2d Lil Baby got the Red Cybertruck Supergy 10:29 PM 7/2/24 From Earth . 7.8M Views 11K Reposts 448 Quotes Synergy
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    * evil ari 9°✪ @ScissorLobotomy God bless this man D Dad Hey do you want me to bring anything for dinner tomorrow? Just your beautiful self ha ha Duck going for a swim with he's friends. Ooops sorry that was meant for Google 10:01 PM 7/3/24 From Earth 5.6M Views • 12K Reposts 653 Quotes 341K Likes 10K Bookmarks
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    larry davids mistress @b1gdumb1diott texted my friends trying to plan a bar crawl for my birthday and 2 out of 10 replied so I just sent this and left the group. Cancer season in full swing babyyyy!!! Today 9:51 AM Wow. A truly overwhelming amount of responses. I have decided that instead I will be killing myself. Thank you all for your input! Today 9:51 AM You left the conversation. 12:45 PM 7/3/24 From Earth • 5.1M Views
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    oneek @auqeno i be in ubers lying like a mf just for the plot i was taking my momma her suitcase he like oh you leaving town i was like yes & tried to keep it cute he asked for? i said im going to paris to help fight for equality for plus size women in the fashion industry ❤❤ • 10:38 AM 7/2/24 From Earth • 1M Views 3.3K Reposts 513 Quotes
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    ☀ dvo ☀ @kngdvo yall... tell me why I woke up this morning, and my wife made me SPIDER-MAN WAFFLES in bed
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    Rhodie @Rhodie Rhodes with the power of god and francisco franco i will preserve her Millville. Original SYRUP Jemima Butter Rich Nu te Paor With Other Natural Res 210
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    Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds I successfully negotiated a trade. Wolverine will be the newest and only member of @Stray_Kids. And the entire band will join the MCU. We wish @RealHugh Jackman all the best on his K-pop journey. #skz MARVEL STUDIOS 물버리 7월 기 3:32 AM 7/5/24 From Earth .931K Views
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    Ryanair @Ryanair don't worry @RishiSunak we've got a seat for you
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    Moniza Hossain @moniza_hossain He looks like he's being haunted by the woman he ran over Rob Palk @robpalkwriter. 5h The Sunak years would have been better if she'd stood behind him blankfaced in different mad outfits throughout, like Chris out of the Pet Shop Boys 10 9:28 AM 7/5/24 From Earth • 3M Views
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    olivia stowell @oliviastowell i know what i'm celebrating tomorrow Δ All 6:32 Google when was caesar salad invent Q Images News Shopping Videos Forums July 4, 1924 Caesar salad has something to celebrate: It's turning 100. Italian immigrant Caesar Cardini is said to have invented the dish on July 4, 1924, at his restaurant, Caesar's Place, in Tijuana, Mexico. 9 hours ago abo https://abcnews.go.com> wireStory Caesar salad, invented in Mexico by Italian immigrants, is still ... - ABC News
  • 35
    @itssherifield @itssherifield I love coming to Hawaii with my kids so they can beg for their iPads in a tropical location. 3:14 PM 7/3/24 • 13K Views 58 Reposts 1 Quote 302 Likes 2 Bookmarks
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    Rick Aaron @RickAaron Hawk Tuah Girl's overnight fame is more than she ever expectorated. 11:54 AM 7/3/24 .5K Views 30 Reposts 104 Likes
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    Valley Boys Podcast @valleyboyspod D.U.I-Fridays * CONSEQUENCE @consequence 10h Justin Timberlake is opening a sports bar with Tiger Woods in Scotland → cos.lv/qjCO50Sw086 T 6:26 PM 7/5/24 From Earth 2.2M Views • 4.4K Reposts 112 Quotes 37K Likes 693 Bookmarks
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    ALT jen ramos eisen @jenmacramos bring on the dancing horses @inthefade. 1d now that america is in its death throes, i want to know what you think was the greatest accomplishment this country has seen in 248 years 4:39 PM 7/4/24 From Earth. 1.2M Views •
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    Roshan Patel @roshanpateI What can be: Unburdened by what has been: 3:56 PM 7/4/24 2.1M Views • • 1.1K Reposts 55 Quotes 33K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 40
    Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1 My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it'll still be fun. 3:03 AM 7/4/24 20K Views . 90 Reposts 2 Quotes 801 Likes 9 Bookmarks
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    dave wagner @Dbwagner104 i saw "independence day" in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996. ALT 12:51 PM 7/4/24 928K Views . 3K Reposts 223 Quotes 45K Likes 839 Bookmarks
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    SpacedMom @copymama I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water. 9:03 AM 7/5/24 16K Views 58 Reposts 852 Likes 6 Bookmarks

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