Woman's Fiancé Chooses to Take Her Last Name, His Entire Family Retaliates By Trying to Stop the Wedding

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Jul 17, 2024 5:00 PM EDT

In the US and UK, it's pretty much the norm for married women to take their husband's last name, dropping their own in the process. In some Latin American countries, it is common to retain your maiden name but add 'de (Husband's Surname)' at the end. In some European countries, some spouses combine their names with hyphens to commemorate their union. In Lithuania, married women do not adopt their husband's surname, but they do change the ending of their maiden name to indicate that they are married. In a lot of places, married people don't change their names at all! 

So, what if a Western woman doesn't want to change her last name, and her husband doesn't have any particular attachments over his own? And what if he wants them to have matching surnames? Well, the obvious thing to do would be for the man in question to adopt his wife's name post-wedding, much like our protagonists in today's story. However, this spurning of tradition would cause his entire family to erupt in anger, refuse to attend and help pay for the wedding, and even attempt to break the couple up at some point. Read below to find out how far this family was willing to go over a surname!

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  • 01
    My fiancé (M21) is taking my (F22) last name. His parents are threatening not to come to our wedding. How do we handle this? CONCLUDED
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 02
    My fiancé (M21) is taking my (F22) last name. His parents are threatening not to come to our wedding. How do we handle this? January 31, 2024 My fiancé (M21, Alex) & I (F22) have been together 6 years, getting married this year. I never cared much about my last name but after some recent family events realized I want to keep mine. Alex doesn't mind, and chose to change his last name so we'd match. Upon finding out, Alex's parents (Lisa and Luke) yelled at him. Lisa cussed him out, so my parents
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 03
    Lisa and Luke say Alex is destroying & disowning his family, publicly humiliating them, and say I'm stripping him of his manhood. They told us we're unbiblical, and that women should submit. To them it's political too - they said the queer community is the reason we're "susceptible" to this, transgender people are to blame, and "America is in its downfall; this is just another sign."
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 04
    - Alex has gotten plenty of texts from Lisa, calling him hateful, cruel, and cold, asking how he can let her suffer. The meetings Alex had with his parents went poorly they told him they wanted to see him and not talk about the name, but then did. One meeting involved both sets of parents - Lisa and Luke talked 90% of the time before getting up and leaving. They're mad Alex stayed with us and said even if we go with his name, they'd resent us and my family for supporting us.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 05
    Lisa threatened to cut Alex off, and says he won't get another penny (they had planned to contribute to our wedding, stating there were no strings attached, and they fund his college apartment). Lisa said this is the worst thing to happen to her since losing her first baby, and that it's worse than if Alex had gotten me pregnant, killed someone drunk driving, or was gay. She's telling Alex that his grandparents will have to move to assisted living from heartbreak, and Luke keeps telling Alex his
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 06
    I also learned that Lisa borderline tried to talk Alex out of proposing. Alex asked me to marry him anyway, and Lisa called my mom in the midst of the engagement excitement to share her disapproval. They said that they get a say until Alex is married, and that's when they'll leave us be.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 07
    Lisa and Luke keep texting Alex and my parents, but I have never gotten anything. They openly dislike me now, badmouthing me whether I'm there or not. I've decided my relationship with Lisa and Luke is over (it was rocky before as they tried to push their religion onto me numerous times). Alex is deciding how much more he can give. He's hasn't taken a harsh tone or spoken rudely to his parents, but is tired.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 08
    Now his parents say if Alex won't move back home, their financial support ends. They say the family won't come to the wedding, and one of his siblings actually has left the wedding party. Obviously I have decided to stay mostly away from Lisa and Luke now, but they are Alex's family. With the wedding still coming up, we're unsure how to move forward.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 09
    TL;DR: My male fiancé is taking my last name. His parents are freaking out because I'm the woman and should take his. The verbal and emotional abuse are out of control, and they're threatening not to attend the wedding.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 10
    EDIT TO ADD: Lisa and Luke's financial support is not necessary, and the wedding will proceed with or without it. Just thought it relevant to point out that the money that was offered "no strings attached," clearly does have strings. We know we are young, and are still getting married, after spending six years together. Postponing the wedding isn't something we're willing to do.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 11
    Relevant Comments: When asked if ILs would accept both last names, OOP says: Apparently not, his parents said that would make no difference. Since we aren't wild about using both anyway, figure may as well not. luminous-fabric: The only people that should be at your wedding are people that want to celebrate your relationship. Sounds like they don't!
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName, u/luminous-fabric
  • 12
    potenttechnicality: It sounds like he has really good reasons for not wanting to be associated with that last name any longer. Yes, it's not a traditional thing and people will look at him funny for it. They can just right off. If you're happy and he's happy that's all that matters.
    via u/swtogirl, u/potenttechnicality
  • 13
    VanillaCookie Monster: Stop talking about it until after the wedding. And for the rest of your life stop giving these people details about your lives. Have fiance agree to grey-rocking them going forward or there will be arguments about baby names and other stuff foing forward. I don't even understand the arguments about baby names. The first anyone knew my naby's name was in our birth announcement.
    via u/swtogirl, u/vanillacookiemonster
  • 14
    evileen99: "We will miss you." Any other response will only empower them to meddle more in the future.
    via u/swtogirl, u/evileen99
  • 15
    queerbychoice: Your future in-laws are absurdly overgrown toddlers. For both your sakes, I hope they go no contact with both of you forever, because the loss of their financial support will be a very worthwhile price to pay for freedom from their controlling nonsense. But if, as seems highly likely, they refuse to leave you alone forever, you're going to need to make sure your fiancé can develop some very strong boundaries. I think you two should sign up for a little premarital counseling before
    via u/swtogirl, u/queerbychoice
  • 16
    OOP: The price is most certainly worth the freedom. We're looking into premarital counseling - thank you!
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 17
    Update July 7, 2024 (5 months later) Alex and I got married last month, and everything was absolutely beautiful! Since my original post: After more months of emotional and verbal abuse, Alex made the difficult decision that his parents were no longer welcome at our wedding. He explained that he couldn't trust them to respect his boundaries, respect us at all, or respect what the event was about. As expected, they freaked out, asking if he was "trapped and needed help," saying everything had beco
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 18
    Most of Lisa's family were the ones talking the most about how dishonorable he was being and how he was breaking apart the family (interesting seeing none of them share Lisa and Luke's last name, Luke's family does). Luckily, only one invitation was returned with nasty notes inside, but the rest of the digital responses took Lisa and Luke's side, berated Alex for doing this near the anniversary of the death. of Lisa's first child, and called him cruel and hateful.
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 19
    (For context, Lisa's first child passed away a few days after birth, over 25 years ago. Alex says there has never been any remembrance that he knows of, and they do nothing on the anniversary (he doesn't even know the date of the anniversary). Lisa and Luke explained what happened once when he was young, and never mentioned anything again. We're unsure why it's all coming back up now, after presenting as generally unimportant his whole life. Apparently, this drama being 4 months from the anniver
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 20
    His sister Alice also went off the rails. After "checking in" to see how Alex was doing, Alice got angry that he wanted to discuss things over text instead of on the phone. It became obvious that she wanted him on the phone to berate him, because she ranted about how he was "steamrolling" their parents, and wasn't really an adult because he wasn't married yet. She said she had encouraged Lisa and Luke to cut him off long ago, and that I (OP) wasn't acting like family since I stopped letting her
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 21
    Many people tried to talk to Lisa and Luke (my own parents, mutual friends, etc) to encourage them to choose relationship, and explain the damage they were causing wasn't worth the loss they'd endure. It seemed to have no effect. Alex was quick to become no longer financially dependent on his parents. We've changed his phone plan, reclaimed all his bills from Lisa and Luke, fully moved him out, and finished college. We're not sure if they attended graduation - they texted Alex the day before to
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 22
    Since then, as most Redditors suggested, we've been nearly no contact with Lisa and Luke. We spent the first six weeks of summer finishing wedding details, and our day last month was gorgeous. Alex received no communication between graduation and the wedding, and has no plans to continue their relationship without an apology. Lisa and Luke did not show up to the wedding, or say anything day of. The only recent change is Lisa unfollowing and unfriending both of us and my family on all social medi
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 23
    For me, my in-law relationships are basically over, apology or not. Learning they'd never supported our engagement, ignoring my existence, and hating me because of my political and religious beliefs is enough for me not to keep contact. Thank you, Redditors, for your kind help and good wishes. Our day was truly perfect and straight out of a fairytale, and we're looking forward to the next chapter of our lives, with hopefully less drama! TL;DR: Parents were uninvited to the wedding. Sister flippe
    via u/swtogirl, u/ThrowRAMyLastName
  • 24
    Relevant Comments: matou98: Wow... just wow. How can a whole family implode over something as ridiculous as a last name change? Had I read the text without seeing it being about that, I'd thought the young man at least had molested animals or children. Jeez
    via u/swtogirl, u/matou98
  • 25
    Quirky_Movie: It sounds like they had total control over him and objected to losing the right to make his choices. Totally normal in small amounts when a kid reaches this stage of life, but for a certain kind of family, the can't let the baby grow up without severing everything.
    via u/swtogirl, u/Quirky_Movie
  • 26
    cheesusismygod: Please be aware that if you are choosing to have children, they might come at yall full force again. Be prepared.
    via u/swtogirl, u/cheesusismygod
  • 27
    tangerinedreamcake: My friend's sister went through something similar. The couple had entertained the idea of creating a new family name and the grooms mom flipped out. Threatened to remove financial support (they didn't need it) and suddenly the racism came out after 10 years of holding it in (suddenly the brides family were "those people" aka not white). It was a beautiful ceremony, the mom didn't show up and now she has to live with never seeing her only son. The irony is that the couple on t
    via u/swtogirl, u/tangerinedreamcake
  • 28
    jacksonlove3: Congratulations and I'm happy your wedding (and his graduation) went off without a hitch! I'm proud that he chose to stick to his wants rather than let his family bully him into submission! Stay no contact! Your lives will be more peaceful. Suggest some therapy for him if he's struggling with all this though. There's a lot of emotional issues that come with cutting family out. Best wishes to you both!
    via u/swtogirl, u/jacksonlove3
  • 29
    throwawtphone: I dont understand why anyone male or female changes their name in the first place in the modern era, huge pain in the to do so especially with professional licenses, college records, ss, passports, and so on. ... But yeah, his family is going overboard, by a lot. I can see why he would change his name....disassociate from the wackadoodles. Sorry for the family strife, but congratulations on the marriage.
    via u/swtogirl, u/Throwawtphone
  • 30
    themysteryoflogic ⚫ 1d the laundry wouldn't be dirty if you hadn't my... Of all the hills to die on, that was certainly...one of them. Anyone else real curious what Alex's OG last name is? I know a couple guys who took their wife's name because theirs was either dumb (imagine something like "Butts" but mispronounced for...obvious reasons) or because no one could freaking spell or pronounce it (imagine something like. Cjradrwinxxuhefb, which looks and sounds like a keyboard smash). Their parents
    via u/themysteryoflogic
  • 31
    Golden_Mandala • 1d I would want to change my name if it were the same as OOP's fiancé's family. What a bunch of mean, controlling wackadoodles. Reply 117 ↓
    via u/Golden_Mandala
  • 32
    skoltroll. 1d please sir, can I have some more? Alex ended up with the family he deserved, not the family he was born into. I hope he and OOP enjoy their new, QUIET, married lives! ... ← Reply ↑ 75 1 more reply
    via u/skoltroll
  • 33
    JonFromRhodelsland • 1d Going no contact with these people should have been a precondition to getting married. Glad it worked out anyway. But they need counseling. The husband was raised in this environment. It's great that he's renouncing all of it but when you grow up with these people you are going to need some rewiring. ← Reply 150
    via u/JonFromRhodelsland
  • 34
    arm2610.1d TIL the downfall of America is when men change their names Reply 96
    via u/arm2610

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