30+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (July 27, 2024)

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  • 01
    Mandy ❤ @MandyLawani my daughter asked why she can't just quit school and i told her it's against the law and they'll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said "i'll visit you" • 12:37 AM 7/20/24 From Earth • 2.1M Views 11K Reposts 986 Quotes 116K Likes 1.9K Bookmarks
  • 02
    , interrupted @HIGHINFIDELITY oh my GOD? Casey Anthony Domestic Short Hair New York, NY Adult Female. Small Feedback About Story Organization Other pets Meet Casey Anthony OK, hear me out. Casey Anthony is a healthy, happy one and a half year old girl. Yes, she is named Casey Anthony so I'm sure we have some valid questions. The truth is that she had a litter of four kittens when she came into our rescue, and seemed like a very fit and attentive mom until she was not. One day we entered our hold
  • 03
    Craig Adams @CraigAdams42069 Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire 10:52 PM 7/14/24 From Earth • 2.9M Views . 2.8K Reposts 113 Quotes
  • 04
    Chris Alsikkan ™ @AlsikkanTV I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this WIZZLERS NATURE'S DARKEST SIDE IN CINEMAS JULY 19 WARNER BROS 12:37 PM 7/19/24 From Earth 2.2M Views .
  • 05
    KILLER MEG (Interdimensional entity..) ❤ @horse_feedbag Love island is great because it's like "this is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I can't wait to have kids with her. But a thick Latina did just walk in and that's something I have to consider too" 12:54 AM 7/20/24 1.3M Views • . 2.5K Reposts 278 Quotes
  • 06
    Hunter @rhunterh I hate men's summer fashion so much. Basically your options are dressing like a toddler on Nantucket or a Deep South estate attorney. 9:20 AM 7/20/24 From Earth 906K Views 306 Reposts 148 Quotes 8.1K Likes 771 Bookmarks
  • 07
    Ralph Janík @RalphJanik I didn't know I spoke Norwegian Jørn Sund-Henriksen @J Su....2d JD Vance er en katastrofe. Kompetent psykopat. Hater Ukraina. . 2:19 AM 7/16/24 From Earth - 3M Views 3.7K Reposts 64 Quotes 71K Likes 1.6K Bookmarks
  • 08
    golden gate theophite @revhowardarson it is extremely funny that the official Minions lore says that the Minions always work for the most evil human being alive and also that they were all in hibernation through the middle of the 20th century 2:01 AM 7/15/24 From Earth 3.3M Views 3.8K Reposts 135 Quotes
  • 09
    katie kadue @kukukadoo feel like a lot of women in their 30s are torn between sticking with their bf who's honestly not a great candidate but he's the nominee or risking the chaos of an open convention 5:12 PM 7/19/24 From Earth 797K Views . • 845 Reposts 120 Quotes 16K Likes 1.5K Bookmarks
  • 10
    MICHAEL HIGHAM @michaelphigham aint CrowdStrike that final fantasy guy 4:27 AM 7/19/24 947K Views 7.8K Reposts 189 Quotes 33K Likes 748 Bod
  • 11
    Vincent Flibustier @vinceflibustier First day at Crowdstrike, pushed a little update and taking the afternoon off CROWDSTRIKE • 7 5:39 AM 7/19/24 From Earth • 16M Views 18K Reposts 3.4K Quotes
  • 12
    MonsterKing @CerromeRussell Southwest still flying cause it's servers are two T- Mobile Sidekicks taped together 10:13 AM 7/19/24 From Earth - 2M Views • 6.3K Reposts 585 Quotes
  • 13
    Daniel Sugarman @Daniel_Sugarman "Just push the 'Update All Windows Devices' button, Akimov! How hard can it be?" 4:26 AM 7/19/24 From Earth 1.6M Views 5.5K Reposts 164 Quotes
  • 14
    Havoc Six @Havoc_Six I've seen worse outcomes from IT problems tbh Jaen 10:59 AM 7/19/24 From Earth 517K Views 2.1K Reposts 72 Quotes 16K Likes 318 Bookmarks
  • 15
    sxchopea @sxchopea happy international bluescreen day 2:18 AM 7/19/24 23M Views •
  • 16
    Boyan Slat⭑ @BoyanSlat Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today! 10:23 AM 7/19/24 From Earth . 2.6M Views 7.6K Reposts 368 Quotes
  • 17
    DogeDesigner ☑ @cb_doge Honest Logo 4 Microsoft 365 7:39 PM 7/19/24 From Earth ⚫ 3.5M Views 7K Reposts 505 Quotes 62K Likes 1.6K Bookmarks
  • 18
    ClassicComics @ClassicComics3 Devil Went Down to Georgia is fascinating to me because it's so American. In any other culture it would be a cautionary tale of hubris and fooling with the demonic. But in America, Johnny actually is just better than the Devil. It's so American • 10:44 PM 7/17/24 From Earth 1.3M Views 5.4K Reposts 266 Quotes
  • 19
    Guilty as Slade? @Jesse_bslade housewives on housewives on their first season their fifth season 9:48 PM 7/17/24 From Earth .4.1M Views 7.6K Reposts 520 Quotes
  • 20
    Tom Reagan's Hat @RufusTSuperfly Would have given anything to see this It reminds me of this story Paul Rudd tells about when he was on Friends. He basically says after filming the final episode the core group is hugging and crying and as a joke he joins in and says, "What a ride, right?" And they did not find it funny at all. • 12:31 PM 7/17/24 From Earth. 4M Views 4.3K Reposts 247 Quotes
  • 21
    freelancegoon @freelancegoon just raw dogged a 6 minute drive to the grocery store. No Twitter, no youtube shorts no texting. locked in on the road the whole time. built different. 1:12 PM 7/19/24 From Earth . 2.5M Views 6K Reposts 359 Quotes 98K Likes 2.7K Bookmarks
  • 22
    greg⭑ @greg16676935420 To the people who have only fans, what's stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner? • 8:22 PM 7/16/24 From Earth 165K Views • 481 Reposts 50 Quotes 7.8K Likes 76 Bookmark
  • 23
    Rob Wesley @eastwes Watching those TWISTERS box office numbers to see if they're strong enough for the studio to go ahead with my pitch for TWIST3R, which right now consists entirely of "there is a good tornado on the team who helps them" 11:33 AM 7/20/24 From Earth 125K Views • • 759 Reposts 15 Quotes 5.9K Likes 119 Bookmarks
  • 24
    Meredith Renee @merewilsh twisters is a 10 outta 10 movie for hooting n hollering. gasps galore. had my arms up at screen to catch the debris. glen powell has chemistry with everyone, including the storms. makes you wish oklahoma was real. • 11:36 PM 7/19/24 From Earth 919K Views • 1.5K Reposts 116 Quotes 28K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 25
    Shriya Nevatia @shriyanevatia when you're 29, you are the OLDEST a "young person" can be, and feel like you're gonna die asap the second you turn 30, you're now the YOUNGEST that a "real adult” aka "old person" will ever be, and life is good again PSA for late-20s friends • 6:57 PM 7/18/24 From Earth 1.5M Views • 4K Reposts 520 Quotes 44K Likes 4.4K Bookmarks
  • 26
    timeless John B. Holbein @JohnHolbein1 The age I consider "old" My age 1:02 PM 7/18/24 From Earth 6.1M Views 11K Reposts 462 Quotes
  • 27
    A Tony at Law @TonyRobite Love how my credit union categorized my dues to the state bar Saturday, June 15 Utah State Bar $250.00 Alcohol & Bars 11:49 AM 7/19/24 From Earth • 31K Views . 33 Reposts 5 Quotes 1K Likes 10 Bookmarks
  • 28
    Ms. Regular Degular... @K_Leinese I know the paper towels hate to see me coming in the kitchen. 1:36 PM 7/4/24 From Earth . 5.5M Views . 28K Reposts 1.6K Quotes
  • 29
    nuura too shy @qabta123 After finding out the average annual salary for the UK is only 30k, I stopped judging them for stabbing each other 4:15 PM 7/18/24 From Earth - 3.2M Views 3.6K Reposts 691 Quotes
  • 30
    Claire @ZeroSuitCamus There used to be an MTV show called Bully Beatdown where a professional MMA fighter would fight someone's bully for a $10,000 prize and there was one episode where the bully actually kicked the MMA fighter's and they had to give him $10,000 and I think about it all the time • 2:09 AM 7/20/24 From Earth • 9M Views 5.4K Reposts 423 Quotes
  • 31
    melden ring era @memegodmel made hamburger provider Eatinerni @eatinerni. 3d Philly Cheese Steak Tortellini is a dream
  • 32
    mariana Z @mariana057 What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, but Aluminum Man only foils their plans. 7:30 PM 7/20/24 3.8K Views 47 Reposts 4 Quotes 389 Likes 3 Bookmarks

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