Grandma pressures mom to dress her 1-year-old identical twin girls in matching dresses for family photo, won't take no for an answer: 'It's important they be allowed their own sense of self'

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Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Aug 18, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

I understand why moms of twin babies dress them alike. It eliminates one decision that they have to make in the day. It's probably far easier to buy two of the same outfits instead of trying to style a baby in a specific and unique way. Honestly, if they can't talk yet, I don't think it's minimizing their individuality at all. 

On the other side of the coin, I do understand why a parent would want to distinguish their identical kids from the word go. They're going to spend their whole lives being grouped together by strangers and peers, so why not make sure they're always looking different at home? That's the philosophy of one mom who refuses to dress her identical twin 1-year-old daughters in matching outfits. Her mom (their grandmother) tried to pressure her into dressing them identically for their family photo, but she was not having it.

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  • 02
    AITA for refusing to dress my twins identically for the family picture?
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    I'm the Mother of 1 year old identical twin girls, I have never liked the idea of dressing them identically because while they are twins they aren't the same child, so whenever i'm given matching outfits I mix and match them to make them look different or rotate who wears what. I've always felt it's important they be allowed their own sense of self and not have "Twin" pushed on the as a major part of their identity.
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    Family pictures are coming up soon for my Great- Grandmothers 80th Birthday, we want to commemorate this with pictures and my Mother has booked professional photographs for this. The dress code is formal, i've bought one daughter a sparkly purple dress she is like a little magpie anything sparkly and she is all over it, my other daughter i've bought a green dress with flowers on it as she loves flowers. I plan to do one daughters hair in pigtails and the other will have a hairband.
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    My Mother called me and asked me to dress them alike as it will look cute for the picture, I told her she knows how I feel about that and that we won't be doing that, I told her i'd even bought dresses already. She offered to buy them new matching dresses but I refused. She told me I was being ridiculous and it was only one picture and wouldn't kill them, when I asked if she'd bought my brothers daughters who are 11 and 7 matching dresses she said no, why would she do that which led to me asking
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    This led to a rather heated conversation and I told my Mother that they are my daughters and it's my call, all she needs to be concerned about is them being presentable and matching the dress code. She told me I am being selfish here and it won't matter, pointing out how lots of twins like to dress alike. I told her that if they wished to dress alike one day i'd not stop them but till then this is what I was doing.
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    My brother has since called me and asked me to just do it, that our Mother is stressed out and how I can change the girls out of it after the picture and that it's only a picture and it'd keep the peace. I know it's only a picture but it just sits wrong with me, is it really assholeish of me to not bend on this?
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    DisgruntleFairy 14 hr. ago edited 11 hr. ago NTA - The kids are yours and ultimately their clothing choices are yours. If your Mom wants a photo shoot, she has to negotiate with you regarding how the kids are dressed. You have laid out your limits, and she can either agree or not have photos of the kids done. Those are her options. I'm glad you are not really indulging the twin thing. There have been some really sad and troubling posts here about families that went way too far on it.
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    Admirable Slide_8865 OP 14 hr. ago I went to school with a pair of twin boys and it always made me uncomfortable to see them being forced to dress alike down to having the same haircut so when I had twins I remembered them and it shaped my decision.
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    Watson424242 - 13 hr. ago NTA and bravo to you. Twins aren't toys to dress up. They are two completely separate individual human beings. You're treating them that way. Keep it up.
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    Meryl_Steakburger - 11 hr. ago Absolutely. I can't remember if it was something I read or watched, but I do remember it was about twins and how they hated being dressed the same. That was a cute thing done in like the 40s, 50s, but this was, I think 90s? Early 2000s maybe? Anyway, they were saying they hated it because they were always known as "the twins", never by their own selves or being. I think there was something about how harmful it was to lump twins together and not letting them be thei
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    It's clear OP's mom just sees them, like you said, as toys. They are two identical Cabbage Patch dolls, a 2 for 1 special on aisle 5 or something. Being identical is probably already hard for people to tell them a part, so dressing the same makes it even worse. Also, because parents never consider their children becoming adults, what happens when OP's twins get older and are looking at pictures and are like, "is this me or you? Can you tell?" How is OP's mom gonna answer when someone asks which
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    Best-Blackberry 9351 10 hr. ago I was one of those twins. I absolutely HATED being referred to as the twins! It made me feel I wasn't appreciated for being my own individual person.
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    Limitless Megan · 13 hr. ago I don't know if you are willing to do it, but if you are, I'd tell your mom she has a choice, she can have a full family photo with your girls dressed in the outfits you bought them or you and your family will abstain from being in the photos, but your girls in matching outfits is NOT an option. She can let you know which of the two options she'd prefer. I'd tell your brother that he can have a say in how you raise and dress your girls just as soon as you get to be t
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    DgShwgrl 12 hr. ago I would give a third option, but this is based on the fact my cousins and I were all super close and we would have loved it - you'll put your kids in matched outfits if literally EVERYONE is matching. Eg, our family friends did a photo where Grandma wore a stunning navy dress with long sleeves. All her kids; women wore navy dresses with short sleeves, men wore white shirts with navy vests. All her grandkids; girls wore denim knee length skirts and pale blue tops, boys wore de
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    Vandreeson 12 hr. ago NTA. Does your mom not see the irony of calling you selfish. You're not the one demanding you get your way for her precious picture. And doing something your against to "keep the peace" is complete b.s. They're your children, so what you say goes. They're two different individuals, who happen to be identical twins. If she wants you and your children in the picture, she needs to drop this.
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    goshyarnit 13 hr. ago You're an excellent parent. Will you let them dress in matching outfits if they want to when they're older?
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    Admirable Slide_8865 OP 12 hr. ago Absolutely, as my post says if they oneday want to dress alike I won't stop them but till then they're not going to be dressed alike
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    Elianagi 12 hr. ago I am also an identical twin and as a child dressing the same for photos now and then was fun. My sister and I loved it. Plus it's always fun to guess who is who in old photos. What made the difference for me was that mum never forced us, just asked nicely and we would agree and it didn't matter we were dressed the same as babies now and then as we can't remember that time so why does it matter. I know every twin's experience is different but we shouldn't shun some of the fun
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    Kattiaria 13 hr. ago nta as a twin thank you. My mum thought it was cute to dress her twins alike and it ended up with one of us being the thin and pretty twin and the other being "the other twin" i was always made to feel like the one that was never good enough or loved the same. We were always "the twins" and yeah please keep raising them like they are unique different people
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    No_Raccoon 7539. 13 hr. ago NTA If it's such a little thing and not a big deal then why is she so upset? Is there someone putting pressure on her? Is it something her elders could be making a fuss over? Not that it's your burden to carry, but maybe it'd explain some of why she's so worked up.
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    Admirable Slide_8865 OP 13 hr. ago She is stressed because she thinks it'd look cute and she's upset that i'm not just doing it for her. No one is applying pressure. She just thinks i'm being unreasonable.
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dresses Babies family drama baby sisters grandma family photo grandmas matching family photos Photo twin family clothes twins sister mom
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