‘Looks like I have a dress to return’: Fiancé rears his ugly side when he goes back on his no--birthday-gift policy and starts putting down his future wife, so she cancels the wedding

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Sep 28, 2024 7:00 PM EDT

You must seriously consider your future before ever agreeing to marry someone. That's just common sense. It's more than just, "Can I live with a man who never remembers to put the toilet seat down?" It's also evaluating how you two handle arguments, tragedy, chaos, and more. What if they get fired and have trouble getting back on their feet? What if you get the postpartum blues really badly and need extra emotional support? Can you trust your future spouse to be able to handle all of these things without either of you losing your mind? 

It's difficult, but not impossible. And once you find that special someone, never let them go. However, if you are seeing constant red flags even before walking down the aisle, stop giving them excuses, sis. End it before it's too late! For example, this Redditor whose fiancé luckily reared his ugly side right before she made the biggest mistake of her life. 

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  • 01
    "[I'm] cancelling my wedding and leaving my fiancé..."
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  • 02
    AITAH for thinking about cancelling my wedding and leaving my fiance I am going to try to not make this super long, but I want to be as detailed as possible. I 32f met my now 38m fiance 2 years ago. In the beginning things were going great. He has two kids I have two kids, we have a lot of the same interests, we help each other out if needed financially wise, it's great. He was super affectionate, always talked either via text or phone on work breaks, when we were apart ect. He lived about a hou
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  • 03
    About 5-6 months in we decided that we wanted to move in together at his family members home while we saved up for our own place. Things were still going okay and then slowly he stopped being affectionate as often, we started fighting and things seemed to just slowly get worse until we got our new place. When we moved in, things stayed the same and then one day last month everything changed. He was more affectionate, more loving, caring, he was acting like the man I fell in love with. I
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  • 04
    wasn't as sad, I felt like I had that spark back and it was great. Fast forward to this last Friday. It was my weekend with my kids and it went as normal as it normally does but my fiance was in a sour mood. He kept about having to go to his family members house to do laundry (since we don't have a washer and dryer in the new place yet) and he said he would do it and push it to the next day. Well Sunday was his birthday and he decided that today he was going to go do laundry at his family member
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  • 05
    had food at home. I didn't argue, I just dropped off the kids and came home. When I got home I knew he was still out so I texted him to let him know I made it home and that I was doing some light cleaning and such. I was going to surprise him with his favorite homemade cake and some little treats since he isn't the type of guy who wasn't interested in gifts (every time I surprised him with something he would mention in random conversations he would make a fuss about it, but I would still do it b
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  • 06
    immediately thought great he's in a mood so I left him be. He then drones on about his birthday is terrible, and that he's not doing anything for me next year because I didn't do anything for him. I was hurt but again didn't make a fuss because it was his birthday. Then when he goes on to say that I need to make sure I have enough money for myself until next paycheck because he doesn't have anything in case of an emergency (I don't ask him for money unless it's for gas to commute to and from wor
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  • 07
    gave him the cold shoulder for hours until I had enough and while he was laying in bed, I grabbed my keys and took a drive to clear my head. While I was out, I called my sister and talked to her about was going on. She immediately came to my defense and wanted to know if she needed to come over I told her no, I am out in town, parked in a random strip mall parking lot just trying to clear my head. I then posted a random Facebook post (not saying anything but a gif of someone hitting their head a
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  • 08
    I just told him I went out for a drive. He simply said K then while I was on my way home continued to bash me saying that I'm making this all about me and I about lost my . Again kept my cool and didn't respond. Talking with my sister about it, she made it clear she can't force me to, but she thinks that I really need to cancel my wedding and leave him. I am still on the fence about it since he's not always this way but this game if him acting like a child is getting really old very fast. We als
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  • 09
    9/16 small update and some answers to some questions: First off thank you everyone who has commented whether it was positive or negative I'm doing my best to get through all of them lol. Just for little clarification He was made very clear in the beginning about how I will not stand for anyone acting like my ex- husband did. Little back story on that is my ex-husband and I were together for 5 years and he physically verbally and exually abused me for the last four of those years.
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  • 10
    Me and my fiance's eldest did everything that we could to try to make his birthday as great as possible and he refused everything I offered. Then last night he came into the bedroom and asked if we can talk and I said yes, then blew up on me saying that he no longer wanted to talk and that I wasn't listening to him. From there he proceeded to leave the room and ignored me for the rest of the night.
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  • 11
    Woke up today to get ready for work and continued to ignore me until after I left the house. It wasn't until I got to work that he started telling me that he doesn't think this is going to work out, and I told him okay. I made it clear to him that I'm no longer fighting and I made my feelings very clear to him about how his actions hurt me. He proceeded to just tell me that I'm making this all about me. Then played the victim card. So as of right now looks like I have a wedding dress to return.
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  • 12
    curlyq9702 NTA - think about it this way, do you really want to be tied to someone like this for the rest of your life or is it better to cut your losses & move on by yourself & be happy Dave1957a You have had a glimpse of what he is really like, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Good job you have no kids to him. No matter what you do you can't please him " he doesn't like gifts" but kicks off when you don't get him one and complains when you do?? He doesn't seem to know what
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  • 13
    fizzwitz You don't have to marry someone because he isn't always awful. Old_news123456 Leaving now is cheaper than divorce later. NTA- see those red flags OP!
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  • 14
    Humble_Nobody2884 To build on this - you have seen what he is bringing to the relationship. He will not change, grow or evolve if you stay the course and get married. Don't fool yourself into thinking "Oh maybe it'll get better once we're settled and married." Not going to happen - if anything his EXISTING habits and behaviors will only intensify. Why would he make any effort to change if you reward him with your approval through your commitment? Time to move on if you want something better.
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  • 15
    teach4az Imagine being married to him for 20 years. There are over 7300 days in 20 years. 7300 days of him being like this until he becomes even worse than this. Most people would vote no to spending their life like this and making their children endure this. DontBeAsi9 THIS! Read the is carefully, OP. I can attest to the utter crappiness of doing the 7300+ days of beating your head against the wall plan. Pick a different path, this one is NOT worth it. Good luck!
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  • 16
    morchard1493 He's beginning to get comfortable, now that you're engaged and have also just moved in together. He's either slowly beginning to remove his mask now, or he's letting it slip right off. If you stay with him, I can guarantee you that more and more days will be like this, and then, eventually, it will be like this EVERY day. He will treat you exactly like this, EVERY DAY, because he will think that he will have you trapped in marriage and with children, IF you take the relationship tha
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  • 17
    Please don't allow him to do that. Don't stay with him. If you do, if you marry him, and have children with him, and then decide to leave him down the line, he most likely will try to make your life a living RUN. NOW. WHILE YOU STILL CAN. AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN THAT IT IS NOT OKAY TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY YOUR PARTNERS.
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  • 18
    didthefabrictear You'd be the for NOT thinking about cancelling the wedding. You got about 6 months of decent behaviour before he started showing you who he actually is. Now you're living together and the wedding is set, he figures he can act like a petulant child and you have to tolerate it. Is this how you really want to live? Is this the relationship modelling you want your kids to see? There is no way I'd be moving this verbally abusive into the same home as my kids! 2 years of knowing someo
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  • 19
    shelbycsdn I'm glad you are seeing his true colors now. I find the ignoring you until you get to work very telling. My ex would wait until I was working or visiting family or friends and just blow up my phone then later accuse me of putting him last. Like I should just leave work to tend to him or fly immediately home from my sister's house if I really loved him. This always happened after he created a fight out of nothing. The same way your guy did. I think creating fights out of nothing can be
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  • 20
    InfamousCup7097 So I don't usually get on the cheating bandwagon but leaving to do "laundry" for hours on his birthday. Being less affectionate lately. In the past too when it may have started, then he had a rough patch with her and affection started again, then a reconciliation and the affection disappears again. Turning the tables and making you feel like you did something wrong is also a classic move. Noticing you are gone for hours but not caring because that gives him time for other "things
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  • 21
    dogs_music NTA. Please think about how you would feel everyday if you're married and not able to get away from this behavior. If this is a one time thing then I think you should think about counseling to help you get through this and communicate better. If it's a pattern of behavior then you need to decide if this is something you can live with. I would recommend a calm conversation about expectations for the future and a discussion about possible therapy before the wedding. Ground rules and exp
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relationship advice marriage drama wife relationships husband wedding divorce love wedding dress breaking up fiancé Reddit fiancee jilted
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