40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (September 28, 2024)

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  • 01
    Redd ✔ @ReddCinema imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt 1:47 PM 9/18/24.1M Views 1.5K Reposts 110 Quotes 28K Likes 897 Bookmarks
  • 02
    anica @anicacihla the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can't both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying) • 12:15 PM 9/19/24 44K Views 112 Reposts 46 Quotes 1.9K Likes 84 Bookmarks
  • 03
    putasinghonit @putasinghonit this is literally what imposter syndrome feels like 7:00 AM 9/19/24.5M Views 15
  • 04
    Shafeeq @Y2SHAF Duolingo should have an "I'm going on holiday to this country very soon" setting so it teaches you "can I have the bill" instead of "the cow boils an egg" . • 11:41 AM 9/15/24 296K Views 1.1K Reposts 69 Quotes 19K Likes 263 Bookmarks
  • 05
    fudge ❤ @fuckpoasting he wont let me deliver shareholder value ➡QRT Sep 17 4PM 303-07430244 9 delete U 0 P ( ( G H J K L < > ? V B N M x control option command r command option 8:50 PM 9/17/24 391K Views return shift
  • 06
    Pandy Fackler @ThatBrenna The term "domestic housewife" implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal 6:12 PM 9/19/24 60K Views • 435 Reposts 30 Quotes 2.7K Likes 69 Bookmarks
  • 07
    Vega Shah ⭑ @dr_alphalyrae ok that's enough linkedin for me Show all 10 experiences → Education $ Stanford University 45 minute campus tour. (Was not accepted.) 2019 5:14 PM 9/14/24 3M Views .
  • 08
    @_Nwai tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 7:00 AM 9/13/24 4.4M Views 11K Reposts 2.8K Quotes
  • 09
    Icarus Universe COMMISSIONS OP... @IcarusStar1 am I the only one who thought they were older? Kendrick Lamar Updates @KendrickCh... 1d Megan Thee Stallion (12) and Kendrick Lamar (11) are the most nominated Artists at this year's BET Hip-Hop awards. து 10:59 PM 9/18/24 5.7M Views • 18K Reposts 202 Quotes ...
  • 10
    New Jersey ⭑ @NJGOV you called? flargo @sorkincel · 1d I respect that virginia is for lovers but we need a state for haters 11:54 AM 9/16/24 6.5M Views 19K Reposts 1.3K Quotes 184K Likes 5K Bookmarks
  • 11
    Tromac M @Tromac_wav British people prolly call this "Nuts and Bolts" or some Olly Waldron @olly_waldron. 1d My friend has just ordered possibly the worst takeaway order of all time? I am aghast
  • 12
    andy van slyke @im_all_id There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done 9:04 AM 9/13/24 3.2M Views • .
  • 13
    cardinal copium @emotionalpedant Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds Me: I was refilling my vape Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that • 3:59 PM 9/17/24 3.1M Views
  • 14
    greg✪ @greg16676935420 This is why graphic designers deserve the big bucks No way I could've came up with something this incredible Dexerto @Dexerto 16h PayPal have updated their logo Old vs. new: PayPal PayPal 5:54 PM 9/18/24 1.5M Views
  • 15
    Onkii @Onkkiie >make good product >too good >nobody buys new ones because they last so long >go bankrupt Pop Base @PopBase 1d Tupperware has filed for bankruptcy. Pieces 3.5 cups) Base & Lid) Tupperware Heritage Medium Bowl Lock in freshness and flavor with Tupperware's iconic quality and style OH DI 10 6:36 AM 9/18/24 15M Views • 13182 Tupperware Heritage Medium Bout Keeps Axx
  • 16
    Multiverse Patsy Parisi @Tweets_n_Nike absolutely IRCU CITY RCU CITY BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO Amani @Aurorraz_.2d the earth is littered with the ruins of empires that believed they were eternal 6:00 PM 9/17/24 4.6M Views
  • 17
    CSTATE Boeheims Chauffeur @Hndrxxan Some kid at the career fair today gave me a resume that had his high school batting average (.350) on it. 7:28 PM 9/17/24 706K Views 412 Reposts 122 Quotes 22K Likes 371 Bookmarks
  • 18
    kira 美♡ @kirawontmiss this would go so hard on someone with a tooth gap the culture | magazine @galactam... 3/1/24 1:16 PM 9/16/24 • 15M Views
  • 19
    Sévérine @Le_Severine_ INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE 2ND ROUND INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE ZOOM INTERVIEW WITH THE TEAM WITH THE VAMPIRE WE HAVE DECIDED TO PURSUE ANOTHER CANDIDATE BUT WILL KEEP YOU IN MIND IF FUTURE POSITIONS OPEN UP WITH THE VAMPIRE . 7:56 PM 9/16/24 705K Views 5.2K Reposts 119 Quotes 36K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 20
    Brenden Gallagher @brendengallager absolutely spreadsheets O Blackmarsh Homestead @RedVelesov. 1d Would you rather make spreadsheets in someone else's office, or haul manure on your own farm? ધ NOITA
  • 21
    Abby Olcese @abbyolcese I'm sitting next to a Lincoln impersonator at the airport bar. He's watching MSNBC reporting on yesterday's assassination attempt. This is easily the most surreal thing I've ever witnessed. 2:40 PM 9/16/24 3.8M Views 1-0 ORDER
  • 22
    DH @housleyd My wife: What's your plan for cleaning out the garage? Me: Well, I grew up in a middle class family... • 6:12 PM 9/15/24 1.2M Views 6.5K Reposts 459 Quotes
  • 23
    Ultima - Sajam Slammin' @UltimaSha.... 1d Update Ultima - Sajam Slammin' @Ultima.... 1d OREO Boca-Co What the is Oreo Coke Zero supposed to taste like? ZERO SUGAR 000 493 10K 200K | 7.3M ☐ ↑
  • 24
    what jame @kloogans Σ mom > Your uncle gave me a gummy. Never had one before. I don't feel anything yet. how are you feeling now? hamgurber the oh you're feeling it Read 8:40 PM 8:42 PM 9/13/24 134K Views
  • 25
    marmot @MarmotRespecter oh god was not prepared for my teenage child to get 9/11 homework from history class had to interview me about 9/11 the way students had to interview ww2 veterans in the 90s Prune Werther's Original 8:40 PM 9/11/24 1.6M Views
  • 26
    dom ✓ @domluszczyszyn once again, i have fallen for life's biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes • 8:42 PM 9/10/24 704K Views 407 Reposts 91 Quotes 21K Likes 236 Bookmarks
  • 27
    Chris Fallsikkan @AlsikkanTV iphone 15 max with "some attachments" TORO 4 DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm. 17h '28 YEARS LATER' was filmed on an iPhone 15 Pro Max with some attachments. Will be the biggest film ever shot on a phone. (Source: wired.com/story/28-years...)
  • 28
    (!) @jim_legxacy if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them • 10:40 AM 9/18/24 4M Views 19K Reposts 643 Quotes.
  • 29
    UP! @im_mraintgoin Ain't no leftovers food expensive unusual whales unusual_whales @unusual_whales. 1d BREAKING: Tupperware has filed for bankruptcy 7:17 AM 9/18/24 4.4M Views 14K Reposts 215 Quotes 101K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 30
    Semamaque 9 @earthdistance I seriously hope these aren't gift horses i have nitrous @NotTramBraxton • 1d Look at these baby horsies getting their first teeth 256K 6:11 PM 9/18/24 2.7M Views 4.1K Reposts 107 Quotes 65K Likes 1.2K Bookmarks
  • 31
    Talbu @Whotfismick Work: Gives PTO Me: Uses PTO Work: • 1:02 PM 9/18/24 1.8M Views
  • 32
    Annie. @aain_ghain my lawyer who was helping me handle my divorce case, has married my ex husband today 1:10 PM 9/18/24 4.6M Views 7.9K Reposts 3.6K Quotes
  • 33
    sayna. @OCEANGIRL yall korea is NOT REAL how am i sat next to a man on the train and suddenly a bunny jumps out his bag...... he tells me his name is apple and proceeds to let me hold him...... i love you apple. 1213 AIL 6:00 AM 9/18/24 5.2M Views
  • 34
    ellie schnitt! @holy_schnitt you will really know if you love a man the first time you see him with a cold. he is going to act like he has been shot. if you find it cute, you're in love. if you want to shoot him yourself, better luck next time 11:48 AM 9/18/24 538K Views • 615 Reposts 121 Quotes 16K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 35
    jynx @jynxbby idk why doctors only give stickers to kids? like hello i was also brave today • 11:04 AM 9/14/24 5.9M Views • 47K Reposts 1.9K Quotes
  • 36
    ade @crownofgloryy health in america is so bad cus here you'll be making a salad thinking you're doing good and then there'll be a recall on the lettuce 12:01 PM 9/15/24 3.1M Views . 30K Reposts 977 Quotes
  • 37
    i make beats + @DonDadaNYC Tshego "what waist" m @_tshego_m⚫3d Raw bacon is so good! • 12:19 AM 9/19/24 12M Views
  • 38
    mae b (a fish) @realaxolotl i hope they intendo fix it AllGamesDelta @AllGames Delta_ · 9/5/18 'N' letter from the logo at Nintendo's Kyoto HQ is gone due to yesterday's typhoon Nintendo 12:58 PM 9/19/24 2.9M Views
  • 39
    Naam/十一ㄙ @HakataQueen IF YOU WIN YOU WILL GO TO JAIL 钱院 ② 警方提醒 POLICE REMINDS 不要打架 FIGHT IS PROHIBITED 打输住院 IF YOU LOSE YOU WILL BE HOSPITALIZED 打赢坐牢 IF YOU WIN YOU WILL GO TO JAIL 《 打架成本高 下手需谨慎
  • 40
    Tom @2footshaft Does she sing or not, I'm confused? 186 NEWS BBC News (UK) @BBCNews - 21h Nurse who sings to children wins unsung hero award bbc.in/3XPjOKZ 5:41 PM - 9/19/24 5.5M Views 12K Reposts 256 Quotes 153K Likes 2K Bookma
  • 41
    Rebecca Black @MsRebecca Black i will stop playing friday when my therapy bills are recouped xcxshake @xcxshake 2d Rebecca Black playing a Friday x 360 mashup at her Boiler Room set. Everybody is looking forward to the weekend. 0:15 7:49 PM 9/19/24 9.3M Views BOILER ROOM CC
  • 42
    Nathan D Hernandez ★ @NateDHernandez There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I'm realizing this is a mango
  • 43
    Steven Godfrey @38Godfrey Poor guy was splitting the atom before those dastardly TV execs got ahold of him Awful Announcing @awfulannouncing. 5h Mike Francesa: Fox 'turned Gronk into a clown' dlvr.it/TDTHry invisalign ALL LEAGUE ORS salign FOOTBALL LEAGUE NORS invisalign NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE HONORS invisalign NFL NATIONAL FOOTBAL HONO PRESENTED BY invis AL FOOTBALL LEAGUE NORS align NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE HONORS invisalign NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE HONORS invisalign 9:30 AM 9/20/24 991K Vie

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