35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (October 5, 2024)

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  • 01
    chase @_chase_ having someone over to your apartment is so intimate. it's like welcome! so this is all my stuff 1:15 PM 9/20/24 3M Views • 164 17 16K 172K ☐ 5.2K 企
  • 02
    ben doyle @thewheatgerm standing in line at chipotle behind a dutch guy who just ordered "everything." upon clarification they realized he literally meant he wanted every single meat and every single topping available. they asked if he had ever been to chipotle before and he said "no i love USA " • 8:07 PM 9/27/24 3.5M Views 295 16.9K 212K 6.3K 企
  • 03
    Betty Jo⭑ @BettyJo78225 Accidentally sent the wife a tiktok of a hot blonde. Tried to save it but not sure it worked. no uhhh R secretdarian Don't you have this dress Hm coulda sworn you did 10:00 AM 9/27/24 10M Views
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    Chappell Ellison @ChappellTracker When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes 11:11 PM 9/23/24 2.4M Views 191 10K 102K ☐ 4.3K ↑
  • 05
    frankie @FrankieGPhD I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent 8:36 PM 9/27/24 43K Views • 17 104 3.5K 92 ↑
  • 06
    Bill @pisspope Love being like a 50yo 300lb guy taking steroids all the time and scared of 700 calories FIGHTFUL Fightful Wrestling @Fightful.3d According to Sean Evans from Hot Ones, The Rock wanted to eat grilled salmon strips instead of wings on the show. "We've been pitching [The Rock] obviously for years and one time I got a note back that was like, 'would you be willing to do, instead of wings, grilled salmon Show more 10:54 AM 9/25/24 9.3M Views
  • 07
    plzhelpme @RiscoKerm I bring a sort of "why do we do it this way" vibe to the work place that most don't like · 10:58 AM 9/28/24 2.4M Views 210 19K 131K ☐ 4.6K ↑
  • 08
    Katie D @KatieDeal99 I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said "that's because of us isn't it?" 6:01 PM 9/27/24 2.4M Views Q 1K 1 7.4K 166K 2.5K 企
  • 09
    @chabcharu when i say "i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan 7:57 AM 9/20/24 3M Views . 27K Reposts 807 Quotes
  • 10
    gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi It's so hard telling if your parents are showing early signs of dementia if they've always been minds out of their 10:10 AM 9/22/24 3.5M Views 10K Reposts 821 Quotes
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    bobby ❤ @bobbylikesbeers "Al is coming for your jobs" I'd like to see Al send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours 1:55 PM 9/24/24 2.6M Views 5.5K Reposts 144 Quotes 94K Likes 2K Bookmarks
  • 12
    ian @itsianraymond are kamala harris and calvin harris related 12:57 AM - 9/14/24 3M Views 12K Reposts 598 Quotes
  • 13
    jovan @ehjovan who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days 10:24 PM 9/24/24 9.3M Views 337 . . 12K 151K ☐ 3.4K
  • 14
    swoon ganz @swoonganz My new hobby is to read 1 star reviews of popular baking recipes. People fundamentally don't understand how baking works if they think you can substitute butter and sugar and still get something edible. ESTD 1790 Q 8 = M Mary-Ann Verified Buyer 12/03/14 My eight year old My eight year old son has been asking me for chocolate chip cookies forever but to me it's unthinkable to make any recipe that calls for 1 cup of butter (!!) and 1 cup of sugar (!!). Okay, I know this is Am
  • 15
    rax 'levon honkers' king @RaxKingIsDead eric adams There's a good chance I may have committed some light treason. Molly Crane-Newman @molcranenewm.... 23h BREAKING: Mayor Eric Adams has been charged with Conspiracy to Commit Wire Fraud, Federal Program Bribery, and to Receive Campaign Contributions By Foreign Nationals; Wire fraud; Solicitation of a Contribntion by a Foreign National... 11:29 AM 9/26/24 1.8M Views
  • 16
    web Jacob Scherer @jacobtheloofah It's insane that Eric Adams is the first sitting NYC Mayor to be indicted on criminal charges, that's like being the first sitting mayor of Mouse City to eat cheese 9:37 PM 9/25/24 687K Views 34 1.6K 25K 613 I
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    dogo was here @dogoshii This is like the riddler and the penguin in arkham asylum Watcher.Guru @WatcherGuru · 1d JUST IN: Sean 'Diddy' Combs moved to same Brooklyn jail unit as Sam Bankman-Fried. 11:34 AM 9/24/24 3.6M Views
  • 18
    sorrel @Sorrelish Maandamano Hottie @_omalicha -1d Unfortunately, the fitness girlies were right, yet again. Walking really is that babe. Stressed? Take a brisk walk. Overthinking? Take a slow walk. Too full? Take a walk. Wanna cry? Take a walk. Need to blow off some steam? Take a long walk. 12:17 PM 9/24/24 2.3M Views
  • 19
    Cybershell @Cybershell This section of Jim Carrey's wikipedia article cracks me up In April 2022, Carrey announced that he was considering retirement from the film industry, explaining, "I have enough. I've done enough. I am enough." When asked if he would ever come back, his response was, "It depends. If the angels bring some sort of script that's written in gold ink that says to me that it's going to be really important for people to see, I might continue down the road, but I'm taking a break.
  • 20
    hot @kvrcnnn Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 1:55 AM 9/28/24.7M Views 503 1 34K 281K 4.5K 企
  • 21
    chase @_chase_ two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like "omg we should totally start a pamphlet❞ • 11:01 PM 9/20/24 899K Views • 3.2K Reposts 218 Quotes 44K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 22
    Robert Sterling @RobertMSterling McKinsey junior consultants finding out you went to a state school 8:55 PM 9/20/24 807K Views
  • 23
    Perri Goldstein @perri_goldstein My boyfriend will not stop talking about how State Farm needs to sign Malik Nabers because they'd have endless "like a good Nabers State Farm is there" jokes and I gotta say, he ain't wrong 8:41 PM 9/26/24 1.7M Views
  • 24
    Sophie Vershbow @svershbow My best friend is out of town, and she venmoed us $100 to take her dog out for lunch on his 10th adoptaversary. 5:01 PM 9/21/24 2.2M Views
  • 25
    andy from 5 to 7 @ChampagneAnyone how is she getting all these guests?? Halley Welch 2:07 PM 9/20/24 7.6M Views
  • 26
    ella dawson @brosandprose RFK Jr. has been such an incredible c-plot to this election cycle. every other week it's "wow I never could have predicted this" and then he does it again, straight bangers every time 11:19 PM 9/19/24 887K Views 2.2K Reposts 49 Quotes 36K Likes 895 Bookmarks
  • 27
    From Home Different Mr. Thoughts @mrpoopthoughts Feel like the Turkish Airlines lounge at JFK should probably change the wifi password. WI-FI NAME: Turkish Lounge PASSWORD: TKNYADAMS • 7:23 AM 9/28/24 426K Views 32 17 805 15K 618
  • 28
    Temi @temiszn He doesn't have dementia he's just in disbelief gd@gdtwts. 4d my grandad's dementia is so bad he's asked me if I have a job 10 times, 10 times i've had to admit that I'm jobless 4:25 AM 9/25/24.9.1M Views 492 17 29K 346K 4.8K 企
  • 29
    Sun Ra @KailSovl He slapped me too MM My Mixtapez @mymixtapez. 2d Quavo ordered to pay nearly $700,000 in damages for slapping a valet driver in 2018. 12:22 AM 9/27/24 7.3M Views
  • 30
    Ash Dylan @AshDylanLit pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian 7:57 AM 9/28/24 345K Views 393 1.5K 16K ☐ 343 ↑
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    Jonathan Edward Durham @thisoneØverhere My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I'll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress- clean because you don't want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans. • 11:07 AM 9/28/24 35K Views 28 17190 1.7K 52 ↑
  • 32
    @YouLoveAllie As an avid job quitter, I'm telling yall right now: this is NOT a quitting economy. 8:44 PM 9/24/24 13M Views 1K 17 36K 305K 16K
  • 33
    Mollie Goodfellow @hansmollman my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we've just bought a house me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something • 6:40 AM 9/29/24 776K Views 33 1 2.1K 31K 1K ↑
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    Lover. @OhLyseDoIt It's up there ain't it @C2thaL2thaIGG⚫21h Nobody: An independent woman, who don't need a man:
  • 35
    ape attack survivor @pissvortex Lana Del Rey treats the rural south the way white guys treat the Philippines. • 1:49 AM 9/29/24 1.3M Views • 108 4.7K 61K ☐ 2.7K ↑
  • 36
    Aaron West @oeste Churchill is dead my brother. The planes are no longer overhead, you don't have to eat like this Tim Stillman @Stillmanator. 11h Leicester Cheese and onion cob ✓
  • 37
    bandicoot @2StarYelp *gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots* 911 operator: i need your exact location Me: nevermind 11:31 PM 9/28/24 4.2M Views 119 1 10K 195K ☐ 4.9K
  • 38
    stavi garcia (bald bunny) @happytobebald I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play 1:20 PM 9/30/24 387K Views 28 1776 21K 283 企
  • 39
    DAEAC#Ethie @EmoEthie Bands are always like "here's another song" yeah that's pretty much all you do no 9:31 PM 9/29/24 196K Views 6 17631 9.1K ☐ 125

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