Parents put their phones on do not disturb from 10 PM to 7 AM every night, sleep through their 18-year-old getting in a car crash at 1 AM: 'I couldn’t forgive them for making me feel abandoned'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Nov 2, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

If there's one thing I know about my mom, it's that she can't sleep. I know that it's low-key my fault because she hasn't been able to sleep 8 hours a night consistently since she had kids. It's not that we were getting her up all night into our teens, but rather that she was worried about us. If we were out until midnight, she wouldn't go to sleep until midnight. I totally understand why being responsible for a living, breathing human and the anxiety that comes with that would leave some parents unable to sleep for a couple of decades. 

On the other hand, some parents will sleep through any catastrophe their child endures. The parents in this story value their sleep so much that they put their phones on Do Not Disturb from 10 PM to 7 AM daily. You don't have to be a genius to figure out why that's a bad idea for parents of teenage children. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10423105792
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)
  • 02
    AITA for not wanting to forgive my parents who used to be amazing, because of one mistake they made in the past?
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 03
    Growing up, my parents used to be these amazing parents who were very attentive and caring to me and my siblings. Except with an exception: that the two of them would always have their phones on "Do Not Disturb" from 10:00pm - 7:00am. And they told us it's because they value their free time and sleep, and don't want to be disturb during the night.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 04
    Which was okay, at first, until I was stuck in a situation where I really needed their help. Around three years ago, when I was 18, I got this job as a server where I would work until 1:00am. And I was expected to drive myself home.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 05
    However, one day, I got into a car accident after work, and got pretty badly injured. To the point that I'll never fully recover to this day, as I now have life-lasting injuries and is considered as "disabled." And I was hoping that, just this once, my parents would answer me. Because I was scared, and wanted someone close to me to be there for me. But, as expected, it automatically went into voice mail and they never picked up.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 06
    And that night, I also called other family members to ask them to contact my family or to come with me. And the only ones who was willing to come by to see me immediately was my grandparents, and they also tried to call my parents as well. But, as expected, they couldn't reach them either.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 07
    So, it wasn't until around the next day at 7:00am where my parents finally heard what happened to me. But by then, I already felt like it was too late because they wouldn't respond after so long. And I was always out of surgery and awake by the time my parents finally came to the hospital, so I never felt like I really got their support because I already did with my grandparents who was there for me from the start.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 08
    And ever since then, I couldn't think about my parents as "amazing" anymore, and I couldn't forgive them for making me feel abandoned. Even if I knew that they would never pick up their phone in the middle of the night, because they told me so beforehand. And ever since then, I was distant and refused to let them do anything with me, like taking me to physical therapy or my doctors' appointment. And I only wanted my grandparents' help.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 09
    And within the last month, after recovering enough to finally be able to go find another job that accommodated my disabilities and making enough money, I finally moved out of my parents' house and went NC with them. And my parents and grandparents seemed to have an issue with that, because they are telling me that I'm being too harsh.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 10
    Especially since my parents profusely apologized, and promised to keep their phones available at all times. And I know they have kept their promise to this day, since I know from my siblings that they can call them in the middle of the night, and my parents would now answer the phone, even if it's past 10:00pm.
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 11
    However, that one event is something I feel like I can never forgive them for. And while I feel bad for making my grandparents sad for not wanting to forgive my parents, I can't bring myself to do so after they made me feel so abandoned. What do you think? AITA?
    via u/Child_NC_Parents
  • 12
    gooderj • 6h ago Top Commenter As a parent, I just don't understand this. My phone goes on to "do not disturb" at 11pm. It allows calls through from my wife, kids and a few of my very close friends. For everyone else, all they have to do is call me twice and it'll get through. I have gotten up at 3am to go fetch a cousin whose boyfriend was drink. I would definitely be available 24/7 for my wife and kids.
    via u/gooderj
  • 13
    Which-Marzipan5047 Yeah, the issue isn't that they used the "do not disturb" feature, it's that they didn't change the settings so that sh like this wouldn't happen. There are settings like yours, and you can just tell the kids "only call if it's an emergency".
    via u/Which-Marzipan5047
  • 14
    cedrella_black ⚫5h ago • Yeah, the parents already ingrained in their children that they value their free time and don't want to be called past 10pm. Why they thought that modifying their settings will result in their kids calling them at 12 am for no reason?
    via u/cedrella_black
  • 15
    Dashcamkitty It's even worse that they have 'do not disturb' on their phones when one child is out the house working late.
    via u/Dashcamkitty
  • 16
    Lonely_Midnight781 100% this. As a parent of now adult, independent kids, I still make sure they can contact me at any time in the night. It's not like do not disturb is either off or on, you make exceptions for people that matter to you. OP, I completely understand why you feel hurt by their actions - they were hurtful and abdicating their responsibility by being uncontactable like that. Sure, they feel bad now, but there are some things that can not be taken back, and an apology can be too lit
    via u/Lonely_Midnight781
  • 17
    If you do come to terms with it and move on in your relationship with them, it has to be on your terms and in your time. They need to stop trying to guilt you into forgiving them so they don't feel bad and give you space to let you resolve it yourself in whatever way you can resolve it.
    via u/Lonely_Midnight781
  • 18
    Soggy_Boss_6136 • 4h ago • NTA. However, you have some trauma here. I think it's worth discussing the grudge with a qualified therapist. You want to accomplish 2 things: exorcise the anger and abandonment you feel and felt, but also re-learn to accept your parents as fallible humans that they are.
    via u/Soggy_Boss_6136
  • 19
    _0000000_ Totally agree. This is a trauma therapy thing. OP clearly needs to work thru the resentment they feel towards parents. Everything they said is justified and understandable. It's ok to have feelings around this very real life event amd it's going to take time to work thru them. Wishing OP all the best, this is so sad
    via u/_oooOooo_
  • 20
    Consistent_Rent_3507 I wish I could like your comment more than once. Did OP's parents make a mistake? Yes. Is OP blaming them for their accident? Also yes. OP is young. The 6 hours between the time OP left work and the time their parents were contacted probably felt like an eternity of fear and misery. That does not change the fact that OP's parents are still amazing. They are also human with faults. OP is learning the painful lesson most young people do - parents are imperfect people who make
    via u/Consistent_Rent_3507
  • 21
    Calm_Potato_357 The thing is as a parent I don't think OP's parents are amazing if they felt they could wash their hands of their kids and knock off being a parent for 9h a day like it was just a job. Tell your kids not to disturb you unless there's an emergency, sure. Not even being worried and arranging a way to be contacted in an emergency when your 18-year-old is out working at 1am is just cold.
    via u/Calm_Potato_357
  • 22
    Hefty-Analysis-4856 OP is blaming his parents for not being there when needed, not blaming the parents for the accident.
    via u/Hefty-Analysis-4856
  • 23
    Forsaken-Willow-8625 DND calls come through if there are calls from the same number 3 times or more... Everyone can tweak these to accommodate emergencies. Your parents have older parents, and children, any of whom could have an emergency. I don't understand this completely blanked out DND No, NTA Take your time, and come to terms with what happened. Do understand, for your sake at least, that what happened was not deliberate
    via u/Forsaken-Willow-8625
  • 24
    mycatiscalledFrodo It was deliberate though. They deliberately put their phones on a setting that means noone can get through to them, they 100% did this on purpose. They didn't know she was going to have an accident but to say they didn't put their phones as DND deliberately isn't true.
    via u/mycatiscalledFrodo
  • 25
    Goddess_Monicaaa It sounds like ur parents are trying to make amends, but healing takes time. Don't feel pressured to forgive them until u're ready.
    via u/Goddess_Monicaaa
  • 26
    Dashcamkitty The sad thing is, even if the op forgives, they'll never forget what happens or be able to ever fully trust their parents.
    via u/Dashcamkitty
  • 27
    SummerlceCream3893 Exactly right. The OP learned in a very frightening way that the parents were only available to their kids on a timetable that suited them; anything outside that available time, the kids were on their own. A very selfish and irresponsible parenting style of basically checking out of the parenting role for 9 hours, especially when they knew that their kid was out late at night working- a time when drunks and AH speed demons are on the road. Forgiving selfish and irresponsible b
    via u/SummerlceCream3893
  • 28
    • Vegetable Business897 ⚫ 6h ago. NTA Top Commenter And that was an absurd rule. Maybe they value their sleep....but they really should value the lives of their children more. Especially knowing you had a night job, just dating and teens in general.... Parents signed up for 24/7/365 by becoming parents. Pretty sure I'd drop them for my life being less important than one night of sleep
    via u/VegetableBusiness897
  • 29
    Choice-Leopard-6108 When I was young I had a night shift job until 2a.m, my mother won't sleep until I came home. I don't understand their don't disturb us, like you are a parents.
    via u/Choice-Leopard-6108
  • 30
    serious-not-serious The best apology is changed behavior. Your parents ending the no contact rule between those times because of what happened to you is evidence of changed behavior and their remorse. NTA, and I do encourage you to seek therapy and explore these feelings of abandonment. Your feelings are valid. However, your reaction and continued insistence on holding this against them does not seem productive, a good therapist can help you evaluate these feelings and analyze your decision look
    via u/serious-not-serious
  • 31
    CapitanLegbeard i have to agree to the suggestion of therapy as well OP. The trauma of your accident, injuries and actions of your parents, while not malicious, have really done a wicked number on your emotions. it's not wrong that you feel that way, but sometimes the soul needs healing as well and therapy can sometimes help that or at least soothe it a little. it not up to anyone to force you to forgive your parents but it wouldn't hurt to explore and think about those emotions either. best of
    via u/CapitanLegbeard

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