Absentee Father Accuses a Single Mother of Attempting to ‘Seem Like the More Caring Parent’ Because She Refused to Let Him Contribute to Their 12-Year-Old Son's Legacy Bank Account

Author image for Jesse Kessenheimer
Jesse Kessenheimer • Writer and Editor
Nov 3, 2024 6:00 AM EST

Being a single parent is an impossible job, made more complicated by full-time work, hundreds of earmarked parenting books, and a deadbeat ex who won't leave you alone. While I get it that parents want to be a part of their kid's lives, when it became a competition with your ex about 'who's the best parent,' this single mother raising her 12-year-old on her own couldn't help but roll her eyes. 

Parents don't receive a guidebook in the maternity ward on how to raise a good kid, but funding their future with a legacy bank account is probably a reasonable start to set them up for success. When her son was only a wee-tot, this savvy mother started squirreling away whatever extra savings she could on his behalf, setting up an account that would help her boy once he turned 18. But once the absentee father caught a whiff of this wise investment (8 years too late, might I add), his feathers were ruffled because he couldn't take credit for Mom's excellent parenting strategy. As if he was interested for the last decade…

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    via martin-dm from Getty Images Signature via Canva

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA For "hiding" my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?
    via Open_Specific6008
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    My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. We have a 12 year old son together. We don't discuss finances other than child support. I don't care for any money he may or may not give to our child directly.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    Years ago I opened a savings account for my kid. I religiously transfer a set amount + child benefit into it every single month. I also put some "loose change" in there whenever I can. My kid knows of this account and gets to
    via Open_Specific6008
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    decide if any monetary gifts from family and friends are to be spent immediately or added to his growing savings. He doesn't keep tabs on the account, but has a rough idea of how much he "gets" every month and how much he's got already.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    My son must've told my ex about the account, because my ex approached me about it. He asked to see the account- I refused. He asked to at least know the exact amount (he has a rough idea)- I refused, I don't see the point.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    He asked to contribute and become a "co-owner" (as in- the account is to be "from mum and dad")- I asked if he'd like to make a big initial payment- he doesn't, as he doesn't have "that kind of money to just throw into an account nobody can access for years" he just wants to
    via Open_Specific6008
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    join in now and throw in some cash here and there, but the amount that's already in there is to be overlooked. I refused. He told me that I can only afford that thanks to his child support contributions- I told him that the child support is his duty and is spent on our
    via Open_Specific6008
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    son's current needs, not for him to hold it over my head. He called me aj for not telling him about the account when I first opened it. because now he's "8 years behind" and won't be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support. I told
    via Open_Specific6008
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    him that it's up to him whether or not he invests in our child's future, he still has a long time to save something if he so wishes. He told me I was a j for purposefully making him look like a "bad dad" for not having thought of something like this.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    I don't think it's fair of him to ask to jump in and claim to have contributed to the savings I've worked hard on for years, but now I wonder if I actually acted like an AH for creating a situation in which I look like the "better" & "more caring" parent? Should I have
    via Open_Specific6008
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    told him about it when I first opened the account? Should I just let him contribute to keep the peace? The money is going to end up in my son's account anyway, no matter if he receives payments from 2 savings accounts or just one.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    EDIT 1: I thought I'd add, since this concern has already been raised a few times in the comments- it's an ISA nobody can withdraw money from until my child's 18th birthday (though I'm not sure he knows that), so I'm not too worried about any potential theft. It's more of a powerplay issue.
    via Open_Specific6008
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    Worth-Season3645 6h ago • Craptain [153] NTA...There is no reason for him to be on that account. If he is adult enough to make a child, he is adult enough to know that he could have made an account for his child at anytime. He can do so now or he can give you money to put in the account for his child.
    via Worth-Season3645
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    hubertburnette 6h ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] NTA. Is he banned from banks or something? If it's so important to him to contribute money, then why didn't he open an account years ago?
    via hubertburnette
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    Arc-en-ciel-x2.6h ago. NTA. Also some possible red flags in the fact that he doesn't just want to contribute to the savings but wants to be the co-owner and know how much money is in there. It comes to mind for me to make sure this money is protected for your child and cannot be accessed by anyone else.
    via Arc-en-ciel-x2
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    • owls_and_cardinals 6h ago • Craptain [162] NTA. You've done nothing wrong, in fact I think his reaction to this realization that the account exists is all the proof you need to know it would have been bad for him to be involved from the beginning. If he can contribute to it, he can withdraw from it too, I believe.
    via owls_and_cardinals
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    Minimally it would introduce questions around who really provided that AND it would give him some more say in how it is spent. Keep firm boundaries. He is in NO WAY disadvantaged here. He can start his own savings account for the kid, either large or small. It is absurdly unreasonable for him to expect you to 'share' it with him now.
    via owls_and_cardinals
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    EDIT: It's also a common but faulty critique for people who pay child support to act like everything the recipient can do financially is 'because' of that contribution. Pay no mind.
    via owls_and_cardinals

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