35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (November 16, 2024)

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  • 01
    the prince with a thousand... @jaketropolis You can't just do stuff anymore 1924 Live @100 Years Ago Live ⚫ 1d A new method of washing cars in Chicago: at the "Auto Wash Bowl," autos can splash around to their amusement and satisfaction. AUTO WASH BOWLI 6:14 PM - 2024-09-20 383K Views 1.1K Reposts 2 Quotes 20K Likes 441 Bookmarks
  • 02
    Tin Doom @Pajama Stew You are tumbling down the infinite staircase for several minutes before you realize there are other people also falling down the staircase and they all seem so calm about it and are casually talking. They ask you your opinion of step number 486 and you suddenly feel embarrassed. 10:11 AM 2024-08-19 753 Views • 4 Reposts 1 Quote 40 Likes 2 Bookmarks
  • 03
    petty bourgeois protestant @pbprot I don't even think people know what they mean by "a man who plays video games.” That's at minimum 8 totally different types of guy 4:14 PM 2024-08-20 From Earth 100K Views 333 Reposts 33 Quotes 7.2K Likes 204 Bookmarks
  • 04
    teryn @youngtiddy putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it's night time and goes to sleep 10:09 PM - 2024-08-20 34K Views 100 Reposts 5 Quotes 1.9K Likes 31 Bookmarks
  • 05
    feesh * * @feeshfries she would do this #Gravity Falls katt @zoroboobss. 9m i've been sticking stickers to my brother all morning and he keeps ripping them off and we're at the point where i just pat him and he reaches to take it off but nothings there bored.. feeling evil... ili 2 1:30 PM - 2024-08-20 From Earth 124K Views 2.1K Reposts 18 Quotes 21K Likes 810 Bookmarks
  • 06
    Grande Abelha @LargeBee Guy who becomes increasingly unstable from floating point precision errors the farther he is from his wife (she's the centre of his world) 10:41 PM - 2024-08-20 30K Views 155 Reposts 8 Quotes 1.2K Likes 80 Bookmarks
  • 07
    faith @girlcel_ oh. oh that's a picture of my comfort character on the tl :) oh. oh that's my comfort character DMing me saying "faith. im a real person. please stop me calling me your comfort character" oh oh, oh that's my comfort character blocking me 5:03 PM 2024-08-20 From Earth 39K Views 255 Reposts 4 Quotes 5K Likes 100 Bookmarks
  • 08
    Tom Zohar @TomZohar "And it's a Chick-Fil-A original movie, Liz” DD DEADLINE Deadline @DEADLINE • 1h EXCLUSIVE: Chick-Fil-A is moving aggressively into the entertainment space with plans to launch a slate of originals for its own streaming platform deadline.com/2024/08/chick-... 4:23 PM - 2024-08-21 From Earth 130K Views . • 535 Reposts 6 Quotes 5K Likes 84 Bookmarks
  • 09
    sarah @sandwichlover7 boyfriEND girlfriEND husbEND LAPTOP 12:50 PM - 2024-08-21 179K Views 981 Reposts 91 Quotes 8.5K Likes 169 Bookmarks
  • 10
    lorna shawty @lornashawty feeding a xenomorph apple slices with an open palm like it's a horse 6:28 PM - 2024-08-21 418K Views 3.6K Reposts 72 Quotes 21K Likes 583 Bookmarks
  • 11
    kill, destroy, motor cycle @beef_skeleton do you think the tram and the bus are enemies? does the bus envy the certainty of the tram? does the tram weep for the freedom of the bus? we know the train goes choo choo, 6:43 AM - 2024-08-22 1.3K Views 14 Reposts 91 Likes 1 Bookmark
  • 12
    Beth McColl @imbethmccoll i hate those clocks where the second hand just smoothly zooms around. you should be pausing solemnly before every passing tick. this should matter to you 5:26 AM 2024-08-22 117K Views 364 Reposts 18 Quotes 6K Likes 65 Bookmarks
  • 13
    charlotte mulvey (ciemme) @whatscharlotte i don't care if your pronouns are SHE, or HE, or THEY... if we're playing tag, you're IT!!!!!! 2:28 PM - 2024-08-22 From Earth 177K Views 1.2K Reposts 32 Quotes 13K Likes 231 Bookmarks
  • 14
    Bright Sunshine @KindaSortaMaebe EVIL polyamory. they call it a diabolicule 7:02 PM - 2024-08-22 7.6K Views 68 Reposts 1 Quote 541 Likes 11 Bookmarks
  • 15
    emma @do_not_test_me need to banish the gut reaction i have to everything as 'i'm in trouble'. phone buzzes, i'm in trouble. someone gets my attention at work, I'm in trouble. its awful being mentally built like a neurotic horse 9:54 PM - 2024-08-22-457K Views 5K Reposts 350 Quotes 35K Likes 2.3K Bookmarks
  • 16
    Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer *muttering under my breath as i plug my phone charger in first try* f you sherlock holmes 3:48 PM 2024-08-22 7.2K Views 71 Reposts 1 Quote 434 Likes 7 Bookmarks
  • 17
    charm city art spice @RahneAlexander my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me 7:07 PM - 2024-08-22 From Earth 18K Views 77 Reposts 2 Quotes 791 Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 18
    cousin & hasoola hoop & kim lip @blackvIvet i know that half orange side speak to her like venom Punch Cat @PunchingCat. 2d she grew 12:31 AM 2024-08-23 From Earth 185K Views . 1.3K Reposts 12 Quotes 15K Likes 413 Bookmarks
  • 19
    Amy Louise (shop back open!) @Amylouioc Making my weekend plans Beheading game Article Talk The beheading game is a literary trope found in Irish mythology and medieval chivalric romance. The trope consists of a stranger who arrives at a royal court and challenges a hero to an exchange of blows: the hero may decapitate the stranger, but the stranger may then inflict the same wound upon the hero. The supernatural nature of the stranger, which makes this possible, is only revealed when he retrieve
  • 20
    Period Terrible Maps @TerribleMaps Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table Group 1 2 3° 6 7 8 9 10 11 12+ 13 14 15 16 17+ 18+ 1 1 H Can I lick it? He 5 6 7 10 2 L Be B C N о Ne 12 13 14 3 Na Mg Al S 15 16 P S 17 18 10 Ar 20 4 Ca Sc 37 38 39 5 RD St Y NF N 24 25 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn Ga Ge As Se Br 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 Nb Mo Tc Ru Rh Pd Ag Cd In Sn Sb Te 2 32 Kr 54 55 56 57 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 6 58-71 CS Ba La H
  • 21
    i like food @messedupfoods mitocondriog 1:58 AM - 2024-08-23 568K Views 4.2K Reposts 215 Quotes 14K Likes 499 Bookmarks
  • 22
    josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99 600 If i ever see "a little silhouetto of a man" i ain't singing a song about it. I'm getting the h I out of there 1:47 PM - 2024-08-23 16K Views 62 Reposts 1 Quote 720 Likes 11 Bookmarks
  • 23
    echo4eva @echo4eva once i realized that everything in life is hard, i started to feel more free and happy. it's supposed to be hard, i'm not dumb or behind, it's just hard. life is literally like a souls game. you'll never beat it without dying thousands of times. 5:41 AM · 2024-08-23 From Earth 226K Views 1.9K Reposts 58 Quotes 14K Likes 2.1K Bookmarks
  • 24
    Grip Bayless @talleyberrybaby I wonder if God knows he can just talk to me normal instead of all these lessons and riddles and side quests. Bring back talking to ppl directly through burning bushes. 8:20 PM - 2024-08-23 650K Views 7.2K Reposts 631 Quotes 27K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 25
    melanie @twoheadedgrrl google drive out of storage. phone out of storage bedroom out of storage. kitchen out of storage. does anything have storage left in this world? 1:16 PM - 2024-08-23 267K Views 3.3K Reposts 167 Quotes 24K Likes 609 Bookmarks
  • 26
    frewad @Fredward3948576 maybe I'm in the wrong here idk but as your friend I feel like I'm authorized to rifle through your jacket pockets in search of shiny objects and scrumptious goodies.. We can take this to AmlTheAsshole if you want, but I'm not sure you'll like the outcome 11:13 PM - 2024-08-23 22K Views 154 Reposts 8 Quotes 1K Likes 55 Bookmarks
  • 27
    charlie @chunkbardey sometimes i don't feel like writing because everything is connected and i can't get into all that right now 12:28 PM - 2024-08-24 50K Views 393 Reposts 28 Quotes 2.2K Likes 124 Bookmarks
  • 28
    bobbi loves vampires @hiimbobbi 18h Being a spy felt like much more of a viable career path when I was a kid. amir! @groovisphere. 1d they just don't make spy media like they used to CAMERON BARRYMORE LUCY CHARLIE'S ANGELS Totally Disney сета CLue MOUS NEXT DOOR REAL SPIES...only smaller AGENT CODVRANKS 67 14K DEB.S Disney SONGS FROM KIM POSSIBLE CHARLIE'S FULL THROTTLE SPY Li kids 104K ili 1.7M ㅁ
  • 29
    Talbu @Whotfismick before dudes kiss u they give u this look 9:26 PM - 2024-08-23 4.3M Views 6.5K Reposts 1.2K Quotes 122K Likes 6K Bookmarks
  • 30
    tayla @5eratonin i'm built different. like incorrectly i think. 12:56 AM - 2024-08-24 From Earth 435K Views 6.7K Reposts 88 Quotes 27K Likes 879 Bookmarks
  • 31
    Lindsay Fickvitch @lfickvitch Both 30 Rock and The Muppets were shows about a neurotic showrunner trying to put on a live performance while failing to keep up with an overly confident blonde and a flighty stand-up comic 5:05 PM - 2024-08-24 From Earth 258K Views 652 Reposts 44 Quotes 8.9K Likes 295 Bookmarks
  • 32
    SEDUCTIVE CEO (22/100 pare... @MasterTimBlais it continues to be wild to me that if the cinnamon tree didn't happen to exist there just *wouldn't be cinnamon flavour* and yet you'd still have the *capacity to taste cinnamon* and there are surely thousands of flavours you could taste that just happen to not exist 1:40 AM - 2024-08-25 From Earth 95K Views . 305 Reposts 31 Quotes 5.5K Likes 503 Bookmarks
  • 33
    QC @QiaochuYuan in retrospect it's pretty | up that you can just say to people "hey you know that hole at the center of your being" and they'll just be like "oh yeah the hole, i know exactly what you mean, love that hole, one of my favorite holes" 4:23 PM - 2023-02-26 333K Views 113 Reposts 32 Quotes 1.2K Likes 498 Bookmarks
  • 34
    AISE H PRAISE BALE NHOO N Kristi Yamaguccimane @TheWap....15h When I do woodworking I only use cherry or 600 walnut or maple because I practice ethical non- mahogany Conservation status Vulnerable Sources include: Encyclopedia of Life Swietenia mahagoni Endangered Cedrela odorata Vulnerable Mahogany is an endangered wood listed as vulnerable by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. Natural habitat mahogany has seen a 30% reduction in population the last 30 years due to uncontrolled
  • 35
    Marina Kittaka Angeli... @even_kei The purpose of video game is to let you wander around a level with strange controls that you don't fully understand, reminding you of what it was like to be a baby 6:05 PM - 2024-08-24 From Earth 23K Views 193 Reposts 14 Quotes 988 Likes 39 Bookmarks
  • 36
    Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau 16h It's actually fine to say it once you just can't do it three times. Sophia_Nyx @Sophia_Nyx 1d without saying beetlejuice, fav michael keaton film? 21 1.2K 31K ılı 645K

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