Woman refuses to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years of nonstop pressure from her husband and in-laws: ‘They can deal with the consequences—not me’:

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Nov 30, 2024 12:00 PM EST

Thanksgiving is a stressful time for many. The effort that goes into hosting dinner celebrations and a guest list that exceeds 20 of your closest family and friends is astounding. Sometimes, the folks who work all day in the kitchen need a break—especially the ladies who have been banished to the kitchen for the last 15 Thanksgiving family dinners. We're living in a new age, and that means that the women of the family don't need to spend half of their holiday hawk-eyeing a turkey in the oven.

In this next story, a woman has been tasked with cooking the main turkey dish for her husband's Thanksgiving family lunch. This year is different because the woman's mother is recovering from a chronic illness and she wants to spend the early parts of the holiday with her. Her entitled mother-in-law and husband have a different plan for her, which includes yet another year of cooking while the rest of her in-laws show up to the lunch empty-handed. Even when the woman tries to compromise, her entitled in-laws and husband won't budge. Unfortunately for them, this woman refuses to let go of her strong boundary this holiday season.

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  • 01
    "When I told him I didn't want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my 'motherly duties,' which really hurt. Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don't have to because they 'can't' or 'don't want to'? Well, I don't want to this year either."
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years?
    via SaltFall5312
  • 03
    For the past 15 years, I (38F) have been the one cooking Thanksgiving lunch, or at least the turkey and most of the food. It's been a tradition, but this year, I'm completely burnt out. I'm a teacher with four kids (ages 2- 15), and this year has been especially stressful with work, parenting, and school. I just don't have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again.
    via SaltFall5312
  • 04
    I suggested that my sister-in-law (SIL1), who just moved into a new house should maybe host this year, and could make the turkey. She's a stay-at-home mom with one child (11 months old), so I thought it wouldn't be too much to ask. My mother-in-law immediately shut that idea down, saying SIL1 is "unreliable" and might not wake up early enough to make it. (How is that my problem?)
    via SaltFall5312
  • 05
    I then suggested my brother-in- law's wife could also take on the responsibility. They got married this summer but have been together for over five years. She's never cooked a turkey before, but my mother-in-law said, "the turkey cooks itself," so I don't see why she can't give it a try. Everyone else shows up to eat
    via SaltFall5312
  • 06
    every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it's suddenly a crisis. When I told my husband I wasn't cooking, he said I'm just resentful because his parents helped SIL1 buy her house. That's not true-l even suggested SIL2 could make the turkey. Then he brought up
    via SaltFall5312
  • 07
    that I'm mad because every time we have a date night, his parents tell my older daughter (who babysits her siblings) that we're neglecting our responsibilities as parents. I pointed out how unfair that is, but he just said, "We're the most stable, so that's why we're always asked to take on more."
    via SaltFall5312
  • 08
    My husband thinks my decision not to cook has less to do with stress and more to do with his family. He said I only decided not to cook after my mom said she wouldn't be coming over. My mom has been battling breast can er for the past 10 months and just wants to stay home this year and avoid being around so
    via SaltFall5312
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    many people. Last year, my parents spent Thanksgiving with my sister, who couldn't travel, but I still cooked for his family. In the past, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house because my family and siblings were coming over, but I've still made the turkey for his family for the last 15 years—even
    via SaltFall5312
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    the years we hosted for only his side. So the idea that I'm refusing because it's his family isn't true. My husband also said I have "five days to rest" before Thanksgiving and doesn't understand why I can't just cook the turkey. I explained I don't want the responsibility of waking up early, making the turkey, and dealing
    via SaltFall5312
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    with everyone asking me, "Is it almost done?" For once, I just want to show up, sit down, and eat, like everyone else does. He threw in that I've been hosting Thanksgiving for the last seven years, which I pointed out is exactly why I'm tired.
    via SaltFall5312
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    When I told him I didn't want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my "motherly duties," which really hurt. Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don't have to because they "can't" or "don't want to"? Well, I don't want to this year either.
    via SaltFall5312
  • 13
    AITA for refusing to cook this year? Update: Thanks to everyone who weighed in on my original post. I was overwhelmed with the response as this is my first time posting. After a lot of back and forth with my husband, here's where things stand:
    via SaltFall5312
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    I told him that for lunch, the kids and I would be going over to my mom's house. She's recovering from breast can er and just wants a quiet day, so I want to spend time with her. I told my husband he was welcome to join us or not-his choice.
    via SaltFall5312
  • 15
    He asked if I could meet him halfway by popping the turkey in the oven before leaving for my mom's so his family could eat at 3. I said no, but I'd be willing to cook the turkey if dinner was pushed to 6, giving me more time to prepare on my terms. He said that was too late.
    via SaltFall5312
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    He then suggested his mom could cook the sides, and I'd just handle the turkey. Again, I said I'd only do it if dinner was moved to 6. When he refused, I stood firm and said no. I want to bring something easy this year, like
    via SaltFall5312
  • 17
    sodas and desserts-just like everyone else gets to do. I'm tired of being the one responsible for the main dish when others can step up. For context, we live next door to his parents and his sister, so the constant expectations from his family are exhausting. My
    via SaltFall5312
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    husband and I share the household responsibilities equally ―he does all the daily cleaning, even when we aren't hosting, and we both handle the kids' baths, school drop-offs, and pickups. I'm not complaining about him at all. The issue is with his family.
    via SaltFall5312
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    His family keeps insisting the others can't cook or host because they're "incompetent." But the real problem is that my in-laws coddle them and never let them take responsibility for anything. That's not my problem to solve.
    via SaltFall5312
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    I just want a break from being the one carrying the load every year. I'm sticking to my boundaries. If they think no one else is capable of cooking, then they can deal with the consequences—not me. Also I had said since last month that I didn't want to host or cook so this is not new information to his family.
    via SaltFall5312
  • 21
    Update: Someone ask how it became the "tradition" of me making the turkey. My mil rarely made a turkey they usually went to my husband's paternal grandparents house. Him and the cousins are all the same age so once everyone got married his aunts and cousins started doing their own thing. I got handed the
    via SaltFall5312
  • 22
    job of turkey because my mil said her oven was too small to fit the turkey. She has one of those built in wall ovens from the 80s. The first year before we were living next to them she came over and brought it prepped and put it in the oven herself and would come by to check it. Every year after
    via SaltFall5312
  • 23
    that I was tasked to do it by myself. So for the first 7 years of me making it we would have carry it in the car over to their house. Also, in years past we would have a 2nd turkey made fried or smoked by my fil. No one liked it or would eat it so it would go to the dog. I was still making the main turkey that was just a 2nd one.
    via SaltFall5312
  • 24
    Wrong_Moose_... • 1d ago • Motherly duties, yeah f that. Your husband needs to shut his pie hole. In fact, tell hubby he either backs you or HE. CAN. DO. IT. ALL., cooking, cleaning, including before the meal and after. And don't take no for an answer. NTA
    via Wrong_Moose_9763
  • 25
    Temporary_Analysis55 • 1d ago • So your husband has volunteered to do all the prep, cooking, hosting, and cleaning? Still not good enough, since you said you'd like a break. Good luck on his marriage to his sisters/mom, since he seems to value them more than you.
    via Temporary_Analysis55
  • 26
    No_Cockroach4248 • 1d ago. May I politely suggest you have a husband problem. He does not have your back and is gaslighting you. Your MIL does not respect you and appears to value her daughter and other DIL more. Your husband will listen to what mommy says and acts accordingly NTA for refusing to cook, go visit your mom for Thanksgiving
    via No_Cockroach4248

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relationship advice aita entitled parents holiday season toxic-husband drama AITAH mamas-boy thanksgiving wife relationship-drama reddit story marriage-drama relationships holiday husband entitled people karma advice relationship feud mother in law entitled Reddit toxic relationship happy thanksgiving entitled people
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