'She is distraught': Mom takes away her 13-year-old daughter's middle school graduation trip because she didn't clean her room, texted her ex-boyfriend, and hung out with her friend too long at a school event

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 5, 2024 8:00 PM EST

In parenting, as in the justice system, the punishment should fit the crime. Unfortunately, in both of those institutions, that doesn't always happen. It's obviously more damaging for someone to go to jail for 25 years for stealing some orange juice than for a kid to be grounded for 2 months for not cleaning their room. Still, in both cases, it's self-evident that whoever decided on the punishment was going way over the top. Punishment should give the punished a sufficient amount of time to reflect on what they did wrong and set themselves up for doing better in the future. If a kid is constantly punished in major ways for minor offenses, the intended effect of the punishment will become moot because they will start to believe that they can do no right. That might be the case for the 13-year-old in this story, whose punishment surely does not fit her crime. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10437347328
    via Meg

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter?
    via u/happilytorn
  • 03
    I have a 13 year old daughter (almost 14) who is in 8th grade. School let us know about the graduation trip which she really wants to go to but we have been dealing with some behavioral issues. I told her she needs to behave before I would sign her up. A few days went by and I told her it wasn't enough time yet. I needed to see more. She was afraid the trip would be filled up and she would be too late. So I agreed to sign her up for the time being but I told her I would withdraw her if more issu
    via u/happilytorn
  • 04
    1. She was failing on her chores on a daily basis. (Her chore list is very short. The only daily item is keeping her room clean. Then the weekly item of taking the trash out.) 2. She was secretly texting an ex-boyfriend. Who didn't treat her well. 3. When she was caught, she tried to get her younger sister to lie and cover for her. 4. Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to "punish" her.
    via u/happilytorn
  • 05
    After I signed her up, I told her that she needed to do everything as we say. We are not strict parents so I don't think it's unreasonable. School's Thanksgiving dinner rolls around. We all went. As soon as she got her food, she tried to leave the table to go hang out with a friend (female). Her dad (my ex) told her to stay for at least a little while. She never asked me or my husband for permission to leave. Soon after she left and I thought it would just be a brief moment. An hour went by and
    via u/happilytorn
  • 06
    peggingpinhead • 18h ago • Edited 18h ago Certified Proctolog|st [20] YTA ish, but it depends. Look all of your rules are reasonable and I definitely don't think you're an AH for enforcing consequences. But I'm not sure it's clear that your daughter was breaking a rule by leaving the table? I could be missing something, but I think this is the sequence of events:
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 07
    1. she wants to leave the table to chat with a friend outside 2. her dad tells her to stay "for a little while" 3. she waits some amount of time, then leaves to chat with her friend 4. you assume that it will be a short chat 5. she chats for a while and you get pred because you can't find her
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 08
    This feels like a case of miscommunication. If I was 13, there is a good chance that I wouldn't think that I was breaking any rules by doing this. My dad saying you can go "in a little while" would count as permission to leave in my head, why would I ask again when the "little while" time is up? And why would I be expected to come back within a specific time frame?
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 09
    Look, if she understood what she was doing was wrong then take her out of the trip. But I'd be careful with punishing her if she didn't realize she was being disrespectful. That can sour kids and make them feel that it's all futile anyways. Especially if she was hitting all the other behavioral markers you asked of her.
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 10
    EDIT: from your other comments, it seems the real issue was that you couldn't reach her for 40mins--that she wasn't responding to your calls. Has this happened before? Do you think it was an honest mistake or it was on purpose?
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 11
    happilytorn OP Something you said resonated with me. I don't think she fully understood what she did was wrong. Just to clarify, this was a big school function at a huge event space. That's why we were getting worried.
    via u/happilytorn
  • 12
    peggingpinhead Oh that's so funny, I actually did this exact thing to my folks in middle school. It was a big school potluck and some friends and I bummed off to the theater wing, miles away from the cafeteria where everyone else was. We spent 2 hours there until someones mom busted in furious because no one could find us and they were scared. Same thing, we didn't realize we'd been gone that long or that we should have communicated better. Too caught up in the allure of being together at school
    via u/peggingpinhead
  • 13
    Adventurous-Lion9370 • 18h ago Edited 17h ago Instead of taking away your only bargaining chip, so to speak, leave her name on the trip list and tell her. She needs to have explicitly stated (and understood by everyone) expectations for what she needs to do to keep herself on there. Ideally, both you and her dad can cooperate to maintain the same expectations in both households and communicate any progress.
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 14
    "Your dad and I were disappointed we didn't get to see you more at the event, especially since we took off work/made time to attend for you. When we can't reach you for some time, we worry. Please respond with a call or text so that we can put our minds at ease, as you know you mean the world to both of us. We love you and know how frustrating being your age can be sometimes since we were your age once too. How can we work together to help you earn back the reward of the trip?"
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 15
    This is where you pick your battles: is her safety and her not responding the issue or her leaving the table without clear permission more important? Is maintaining good grades, participating in extracurriculars, and doing homework a priority in your household or is taking out the trash? Does she do other things to help, like helping make dinner, take care of younger siblings, etc. that go unnoticed?
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 16
    Having the things you expect from her clearly defined and explained will help avoid misunderstandings and the confusion you are misinterpreting as contempt. "Clean your room" is subjective; making your bed, putting dirty clothes in a hamper, and keeping the floor vacuumed helps you both understand what is needed. The same goes for "being good, not hiding stuff, no talking back, do the dishes/laundry/help your sibling" expectations: too vague to be enforced or rewarded. You are teaching your daug
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 17
    When she demonstrates the behaviors you expect, praise them to reinforce them! Thank her for being so patient with her siblings, taking out the trash without being told, taking the initiative to help elsewhere in the house, etc. Recognize the efforts she makes and work together toward the goal of the trip. She needs to understand that as of now, she's not going, but has _ months to earn back the privilege by doing x,y,z, and other helpful things.
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 18
    Commanding her to not talk to someone you dislike is only making her want to disobey and hide other things she knows are questionable from you. Encourage her to meet different people and if appropriate, explain why you dislike her ex in specific terms. "He was disrespectful of your boundaries/pushy when he_, you had few things in common and didn't agree on he had terrible BO, etc." If you can laugh about something you both agree on about him, even better. Sharing your perspective, but allowing h
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 19
    social development she'll miss out on if you prohibit it outright. (I became exceedingly good at hiding things from my parents and never asked for help when I really needed it because of these kinds of commands, which only caused more space between us, even now.) It helps her know you're on her side and always will be, regardless of any conflicts that occur and will be there to help pick her up when she falls.
    via u/Adventurous-Lion9370
  • 20
    GaimanitePkat Punishing her for talking to someone they don't like is such a dangerous road. It means that if she starts getting involved with people that are genuinely dangerous and ab ive, she'll do her best to hide everything, and mom and dad will have no way of protecting her from the danger...
    via u/GaimanitePkat
  • 21
    Famous_Fee8859 You're not strict but has to ask for permission to leave the table? Have you had a discussion about lacking in chores? She's 13, she is still learning and I can tell you now, any time you say don't talk to xyz, don't hang out with xyz, that's exactly what she's going to do. What other behavioral issues are you having that is not normal 13 yr old behavior? I can tell you now, you're stricter than you say you are.
    via u/Famous_Fee8859
  • 22
    heyitsta 12 Also I think having to clean your room everyday is a bit unfair depending on what that entails. Is it simply making up the bed? Or is it vacuuming, and putting clothes away? I think cleaning up her room weekly is more feasible.
    via u/heyitsta12
  • 23
    And the ex boyfriend thing is weird IMO. It's weird spot of too young to be dating seriously anyway but since you let her, you can't really police her texting to this extent. Was the texting inappropriate? The boyfriend being a terrible boyfriend (I guess??) doesn't really give you a right to tell her not to talk to him. You either allow her to date and make her own choices within reason, or you don't allow her to date at all.
    via u/heyitsta12
  • 24
    Golly902 I absolutely agree she is much stricter than she thinks she is. Her daughter only has to "do everything as OP says". That's setting the daughter up for failure.
    via u/Golly902
  • 25
    Slovenly Muse •18h ago • Edited 18h ago • Top 5% Commenter In this case, I'm going to have to say YTA. "Do everything we say" and "behave" are not clear, reasonable goals for a 13-year-old. My suggestion: Make a list of things you'll need her to do to earn the trip and post it in a shared space. Make this a checklist for chores and other things she CAN do (not things she CAN'T do, like "don't text so-and-so"). If she doesn't take out the trash, for example, you can point to the chart to remind h
    via u/SlovenlyMuse
  • 26
    Punishing her for talking to her ex is not helpful. She is at an age where she's especially vulnerable to romantic mistreatment, as she is just starting to test the waters with dating and relationships. She needs positive support to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships so that she can make those decisions for herself. Punishment is not helpful for this, and only makes her feel like she can't trust you enough to tell you if something happens down the line (e.g., if she keeps texting him,
    via u/SlovenlyMuse
  • 27
    Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to "punish" her. Have you considered that the younger sister was made to fear the older sister's punishment the exact same way the older sister has been made to fear YOUR punishment? She's modeling the behaviour YOU'VE shown her in her interactions with the people she has perceived authority over.
    via u/SlovenlyMuse
  • 28
    Finally, school trips are great social-emotional teaching opportunities, where she can socialize with her peers in a school-adjacent setting where rules are enforced. This is a way to encourage pro-social behaviour, and withholding it as a punishment for general rudeness may not be as beneficial for her development as taking the trip might be. A grad trip is a HUGE deal to a 13-year-old. I'm not seeing any "misbehaviour" in this post that is concerning enough to justify this punishment.
    via u/SlovenlyMuse
  • 29
    GothWitchOfBrooklyn I agree. My dad withheld a middle school trip like this from me for a petty reason and I still hold a grudge about it lol. I'm 37
    via u/GothWitchOfBrooklyn
  • 30
    Desperate_Voice_7974 I agree with you, it's too far for what the daughter actually DID
    via u/Desperate_Voice_7974
  • 31
    SideEyeFeminism Agreed. I also have to say that unless there is some history of older kiddo being dangerous towards younger kiddo, "being scared of how she'll punish her" sounds a lot like code for "you have to tell her she's not allowed to be mean to me for tattling on her". Like there's a big difference between “there is genuine concern for younger kiddo's wellbeing" and "you snitched so you're not allowed to watch TV with me after school anymore"
    via u/SideEyeFeminism

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