Groom's best man demands wedding date work around his college graduation, friends and family demand he gets uninvited: ‘He’s got this “what about me” mentality’

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Dec 23, 2024 1:00 PM EST

Imagine this, you're finally engaged—congrats! You have found the love of your life and you want to tell the world, so you start planning a wedding. That's what they are for anyways, right? To announce to the world just how much you love this person and you are willing to declare to the world that you will be by their side forever. It's something you want to share with your friends and family, but it's not necessary. Sure, it's a bummer if a close friend can't make your wedding, but it's not the end of the world. They're your bestie, you'll be able to celebrate with them for the rest of your life. Remember, the wedding is about you, your fiancée, and the love you share, it's not about the guests. So why is it that weddings pull some people's true colors out and now you're forced to plan a wedding AND go through some friend breakups? Take this groom, for instance! He is so very in love and excited to marry his fiancée, they picked the date more than a year ago. However, his childhood bestie just found out his college graduation is on the same day… So instead of trying to make it up to his friends for missing his wedding, he is demanding to make the wedding bend to his ways. Basically making it about himself. Now the groom is stuck between trying to accommodate an old friend or risk a friendship breakup—friends, family, and the internet suggest the latter.

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    via Unsplash+ (and Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    HELP!! My best friend is hijacking our wedding planning Hey guys, my (25M) future wife (26F) and I are kind of at a loss here. My childhood best friend (25M) has us landlocked for our wedding planning.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    We have had a long engagement, and have had our wedding date picked for over a year. My fiancée and I will now be tying the knot in the next 6 months. Problem is, his uni schedule is out, and our wedding is the same day as my buddies graduation from his masters program.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Call me an hole if you want, but these are both big life events, and I see this as a schedule conflict at most. In my eyes, we have a massive day of celebration, and could congratulate each other and go out for drinks to talk about it later. Well, apparently that is not the case. My best friend told me that my wedding date was the same as his graduation, and asked me to change. my date. Then he insisted that I told
    via Old_Donut8708
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    him it was a Sunday wedding (which I mentioned my fiancée wanted way back when). Then he blamed me for never telling him that I "changed my mind", despite my announcement in multiple groups and even in passing conversations one-on-one. He also came with me the day that I signed the venue contract, showing it was bought and paid for, for our Saturday wedding.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Now that you've got some context, here's the problem. He showed up to my apartment two weeks ago when I reaffirmed I would not be changing my date for the wedding. He was beyond upset, and was insisting it would ruin our friendship if he didn't come to the wedding. Despite my insistence that this was just not true, he wouldn't listen. My roommate (24M) told him he was being ridiculous, and my best friend turned on him and started to berate him. My friend
    via Old_Donut8708
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    ended up leaving in tears, and has since not apologized. I have come to compromise that when he knows the time of his graduation, we'll tweak up the ceremony start time so he can either come by the reception or stand for the ceremony. But now this is agreement is starting to sour.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    He's got this "what about me" mentality in about everything we do when planning. The caterers we found and can afford will only cater dinner: "what if my graduation is at that time?"When I told my groomsmen that we're gonna set a date to go get measured for tux rentals, he was the only one who couldn't go, and got mad when I took my other guys anyway. He also left all my groomsmen hanging when they were planning an incredibly kind surprise get together for me and my fiancée. He
    via Old_Donut8708
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    intentionally made plans on top of their prep time, so all he did is show up and take credit. My groomsmen aren't very fond of him because of that, and I've found out more recently that they're not too fond of him at all because of his selfish behavior. My dad told me that he's got no right to influence our wedding planning that much, and even though my fiancée has promised me that she'll go with the flow, I'm not upheaving our day for him. My mom
    via Old_Donut8708
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    doesn't want me to invite him at all anymore. Again, childhood friend and essentially family. I guess I should also mention, I've got two "best men", because my fiancée has two sisters and wanted them each for her maids of honor, so I still have a best man already. In my opinion, my fiancée's parents are putting a lot of time and money into this wedding, and unless he wants to fork out a couple grand, he's got no place in our wedding
    via Old_Donut8708
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    planning. I've never seen him act so selfishly. My fiancée has already given me grief a few times throughout our relationship about him. It's always been a simple "eh, I don't really like him", but now this guy has no ability to compromise anymore and I've seen a very sad change in him since he moved off for uni. I don't know, at this point I'm rambling and am just overall upset.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    I have a hard time confronting him because he's explosive and will go for my neck if I even tell him he's got a stain on his shirt. I don't know what to do or what to say to him. My parents are adamant that he deserves no place in our day anymore, and I agree. I have no wish for him to believe he has any say over my fiancée, simply because she's been patient and kind enough to hold on when planning. I've already shed some tears to her about this. Just need an outside opinion. Thanks.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Edit: He does not literally go for my neck. What I mean is that he will put you down or intentionally bring up sore subjects if you point out any type of flaw in him, even in a joking manner. I am not a subject to physical violence, and he would be a well beaten fool to try it. Thanks for your concern.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Old_Donut8708 OP Hey everyone. Just wanted to express my thanks for all of the advice I have received below. I plan to confront him this weekend, via text, as recommended by some for clarity and safety. I have truly appreciated both the kind and the harsh comments, and wanted to address a few things.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    1. My fiancée is not only the most incredible woman I know, but she's beyond understanding in this situation, as she has experienced similar before. Don't worry, I promise she's not gonna kill me in my sleep. We've had lengthy discussions about this, and she's been wholly unaffected, just worried for me. You in the comments are right; she's a saint,
    via Old_Donut8708
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    and she has given me endless patience in my sadness and frustration about this situation. She and I have gotten some good laughs and some good talks from this thread, so thanks. 2. I added this in an edit, but I promise this friend has not put me in harms way. My poor choice of metaphor has led to some concerned comments, and I will assure you I am safe. While I appreciate all of
    via Old_Donut8708
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    you who have concerns for security and such regarding the wedding, I promise that while he may be self- absorbed, he's not completely insane, or stupid, lol. 3. Many people are suggesting that I would put this guy above my future wife. I can assure you, I only gave him a ceremony time because me and my fiancée were undecided on a time to begin with. I would give
    via Old_Donut8708
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    her the world if she asked for it, so her decision goes. Ultimately, I have a desire to put my foot down because I've seen how this ended with my groomsmen. I don't want it to reach her. 4. I had a handful of comments telling me that I've allowed this behavior towards family and friends. I have only been made recently aware of this by expressing my own feelings to others. I really don't bring him around large groups often. I wish I
    via Old_Donut8708
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    would've known sooner, and I'm grateful for my friend's honesty. Hindsight is 20/20 of course. 5. I have never and will never ask my friend to skip his graduation. I think that it's an important achievement that he deserves to celebrate. The way he's behaved has left a bad taste in my mouth, and now I'd rather he celebrate there than here.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Of course I am far from a perfect person. I just hope to provide a little more clarity for my post and address some common comments. Again, thank you for all of your comments, and I appreciate all the advice that was given. You all are much appreciated and I look forward to updating you after my confrontation. Thanks.
    via Old_Donut8708
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    Alternative-Gur-6208 Nta. Sorry but sometimes friends. don't grow together they have to grow apart. He isn't paying he isn't the center of attention, you're not marrying him so his opinion doesn't matter. My advice is take him out for a beer say hey we've been friends for x number of years. I care about you, but this is my day. I understand that it falls on your day. I'm sorry we
    via Alternative-Gur-6208
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    changed things but this is what we've decided is our dream wedding and you're making it harder than it needs to be. So I think you shouldn't come and should focus on your important graduation. If he can't be happy for you then it's not a life long friendship. But if he is maybe plan a bros day after the wedding and honeymoon. To catch up and see how everyone's been.
    via Alternative-Gur-6208
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    wlfwrtr NTA Sounds like he's upset that no one will be making a fuss over his graduation so he's trying to make your wedding about him. If he's allowed to make a speech at your wedding it will probably either be a put down of you and your bride or talking about him and his graduation, maybe even a mixture of both. But it will probably be something you'll regret allowing. Ask yourself, 'Would we even be friends if I met him today?'. When you answer that truthfully to yourself you'll know how to p
    via wlfwrtr

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