Successful adopted sister refuses to co-sign her unemployed grad-student younger sister's mortgage, despite their parents insisting she needs a house: 'My mom threatened to cut off any future financial help (like wedding money) if I don’t help right now'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 28, 2024 1:00 PM EST

If there's one piece of financial advice you should follow, it's this one: never cosign anything. I don't care if your best friend since you were seven wants to live in a one-bedroom apartment they claim they can afford but don't make 20 times the annual rent. I don't care if your brother has finally gotten back on his feet and needs a car to get to his job in the city. I really don't care if your kid sister, who is still in grad school, really wants to buy a house near her parents but can't afford it on her own. There are very few good reasons for taking responsibility for debt that's not your own. It's stressful enough to pay off your own credit card and student loans, but to assume full financial responsibility for someone who isn't your kid is not very financially sound, at least if you want to keep your money in your bank account. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10447738624
    via Ave Calvar (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for Refusing to Co- Sign My Sister's Mortgage After My Parents Went Behind My Back?
    via u/fancyapanda
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    I (28F) have been busting my bt for years to save for my own house. I work in software, so I make decent money, but it still takes forever to build up a good down payment. Meanwhile, my younger sister (25F) is in grad
    via u/fancyapanda
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    school with barely any credit. Our parents (both mid-50s) found a house near them and decided she needs it. They made an offer- without telling me—and now the deal only goes through if I co- sign.
    via u/fancyapanda
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    The problem? I had no clue they'd do this. My parents basically dropped a bomb: "You have the best credit score-co- sign so your sister can get the house!" They also hinted I should chip in for the down payment because "you've got the money."
    via u/fancyapanda
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    If I co-sign, I'll be on the hook if my sister can't pay. She's still in school, has debt, and zero backup plan. The bank might also reject my future mortgage application since they'll see I'm already tied to another loan. But
    via u/fancyapanda
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    my parents say I'm "selfish" and "forgetting family values." My sister's calling me a monster for leaving her "stranded," and my mom threatened to cut off any future financial help (like wedding money) if I don't help right now.
    via u/fancyapanda
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    Some relatives think it's insane my parents tried to rope me into this after they already made the offer. Others say I should just do it for "the family's sake." I feel guilty, but also mad they put me in this spot. AITA for protecting my own finances, or are they wrong for strong-arming me into co-signing a mortgage I never wanted in the first place?
    via u/fancyapanda
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    EDIT: I'm actually adopted Imao forgot to mention in my confused and angry state. My parents adopted me when I was very young because they'd been struggling to conceive. A few years later, they had my younger sister naturally, which was a huge deal to them-she was their
    via u/fancyapanda
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    "miracle baby." Ever since, it's felt like my role in the family became "the older, adopted one,” while she was the golden child who could do no wrong. Growing up, I was expected to pitch in more, be more responsible, and generally look out for my sister.
    via u/fancyapanda
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    I worked my bt off in school, snagged scholarships, and eventually landed a good job in software. All the while, I felt like my family mostly saw me as the "fallback option" in case anyone needed financial or emotional support. Now that I'm actually building my own life-saving for a house, focusing on my career— I'm realizing how my success just makes me look like a bigger piggy bank to my parents. The
    via u/fancyapanda
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    more independent I become, the clearer it is that I need to separate myself from the constant guilt trips and the unspoken expectation that I'll always bail them (or my sister) out. I love them, but I can't keep sacrificing my own future to maintain a dynamic where I'm never the priority. So thank you all for the wake up call. Update to come
    via u/fancyapanda
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    Independent-Stand351 • 14h ago • Edited 14h ago • Absolutely do NOT co-sign. NTA if you refuse. Let your Mom not pay for the wedding. If she's threatening now, she will again. In the end she probably won't. But that's not hhe main reason not to co-sign. The main reason is there is a huge chance you will be in debt for a house that is not yours.
    via u/Independent-Stand351

  • I am not a financial advisor, but I think possibly being responsible for an entire mortgage would be a lot more costly than financing a wedding. 

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    Empty-Discipline8927 • 14h ago • Spoiler... They won't pay for your wedding anyway. They are broke arses. Please don't sign. It will f u up in ways you can't even imagine yet.
    via u/Empty-Discipline8927
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    quagsi •14h ago • broke who care more about the golden child younger sister than their child who is actually taking charge of her own life
    via u/quagsi
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    wortcrafter Ding-ding-ding and we have the answer. Why is sister the one that needs to own a house?
    via u/wortcrafter
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    Misa7_2006. 9h ago • Let them leave her their house in their will. They are as broke as church mice, and they know it. Her trying to hold any financial help for a wedding or anything else in the future is laughable. They need your help, and you have them all over the barrel by the short and curlies, and they are hoping you don't realize it.
    via u/Misa7_2006
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    You don't owe them anything, adopted or not, but especially because you were adopted. They chose to adopt you, yes, but they also took on the responsibility that every parent has when they have children. You take care of them, raise them, and then you let them go out into the world. If you are expecting anything back in return for doing the basic duties that every parent does, then you shouldn't be a parent.
    via u/Misa7_2006
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    You don't try to ruin your children financially to save another one. If none of them have the credit or means to buy the house, she doesn't need one. When you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING! As for the family flying monkeys that are on their side against you, let them all chip in for the cost of the house and any payments when she defaults on the mortgage.
    via u/Misa7_2006
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    It's all fine and good to pick the wrong side when you have no skin or money in the game. Ask them to co-sign for the house if they are so worried about her getting one. See how fast they fly away when they are made to put their money where their mouth is. It is not your job to bail your golden child sister out. They created that monster, and now they need to step up and control it. No is a complete sentence. Keep using it.
    via u/Misa7_2006
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    Vegetable-Cod-2340 The answer is because they want her to have a house before op does, and if her getting a house means that op doesn't all the better. I would bet money (OP's wedding money) that it was baby's sister's idea, that' she's been playing into the golden children angle for years and knows exactly what's she doing. Honestly op needs to go no contact. This became toxic ages ago.
    via u/Vegetable-Cod-2340
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    Nathan256 u/fancypanda if they could afford to help you financially they wouldn't need your help co- signing, you're losing nothing by refusing this and saving yourself so much pain and family feuds later on. Imagine what happens when your sister never pays on the mortgage - you think things are bad now? Your sister also gets a lesson in self sufficiency that it seems like your parents are unwilling to teach her, even though it is their responsibility.
    via u/Nathan256
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    Inner-Fisherman-9389 Terrible idea.. why does she need a house rn if she has barely any credit and she's mid grad school.. an apartment sounds like what she needs
    via u/Inner-Fisherman-9389
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    Independent-Stand351 • 11h ago • Two other things: When grad students graduate, they get jobs often far away. It's a ridiculous time to buy. This house is near her parents. Why not just move into her parents basement? Buying this house isn't even a good idea!
    via u/Independent-Stand351
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    Valuable_Actuary3612 • 14h ago Lock down your credit score and make sure they can't use your information anyway. My sister had hers trashed by the EX because he would take out loans in her name. I have seen parents do this as well, regardless of the child's age. Or consent.
    via u/Valuable_Actuary3612

  • Even if she planned to stay in the city where her parents lived/where she went to school, she should probably have a real job before getting a mortgage. Why would she risk having to refinance in a year or two?

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    fancyapanda OP Getting on this now, thank you
    via u/fancyapanda
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    celticmusebooks • 14h ago • Top 1% Commenter So, your sister is the Golden child and you are not. Don't cosign the loan. Tell your parents to give your sister the wedding money and since your finances won't be a dumpster fire (as they would if you cosign the loan) you'll pay for your own wedding-- and will be sure to send them a picture since obviously they won't be there. Tell them how much you appreciate them freeing you from having to care for them as they age since that will fall 100% to you
    via u/celticmusebooks
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    Junior-Author6225 Yeah, honestly, that's a solid point. They're basically setting you up to be the one to carry everything while playing favorites. You're definitely NTA for wanting to protect your finances.
    via u/Junior-Author6225
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    fancyapanda OP Probably something I should have said this but was blinded by my confusion and forgot to mention. I was adopted, not at as a baby but around the age of 6. Was always different and never bothered to reconnect with bio mom. I knew I was an outsider but as I got older and somewhat over shadowed my younger sister with my "successful "career I think it created a resentment between my parents and me. So it think it's hitting it breaking point and really showing...
    via u/fancyapanda
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    BMTRN6321 You are not forgetting family values. They are my showing you they don't value YOU at all, just your money. It's as if they're trying to take from you to diminish your success specifically to give to your sister. You are a grown adult and owe them nothing. I wouldn't even trust them about a wedding fund at this point. They're banking on you caving to not lose your relationship with them. Frankly, there doesn't seem to be much more left than a transactional relationship. You are earning
    via u/BMTRN6321
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    Ladyooh Remember- they CHOSE to adopt you. You do not owe them anything for raising you, that is what parents are supposed to do. Do not, do not, DO NOT sign the loan!
    via u/Ladyooh

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family drama entitled parents house crazy things parents say sisters parenting dad family sister parent mom money Parenting Fail parents Parenting FAILS
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