Working wife leaves cleaning duties to her unemployed, stay-at-home husband, finally caves after he doesn't clean for a whole year: 'Our house is disgraceful and I’d be mortified if anyone came to visit'

There is much online discourse about the damage of parentifying young kids, wherein youth are given adult responsibilities such as disciplining their younger siblings or being forced to watch after them for developmentally inappropriate amounts of time. Even if you've never been parentified, you can immediately tell that there's something off about it. If a 10-year-old is forced to raise a baby, they might be burnt out of parenthood before they can even become a parent themselves. Parentification takes away the time when teenagers are supposed to be having fun or exploring their own interests and makes it about constantly solving their parent's problems. 

It turns out that sibling relationships aren't the only ones that can be harmed by imposing parental dynamics where they shouldn't be. Pseudo-parenting can also negatively impact romantic relationships when one partner tries to parent the other into contributing enough to the household. In a healthy relationship, one partner should be able to ask the other to do something without forcing them to do it or retroactively punishing them for not doing it. The wife in this story is doing the latter, and because she's also bringing home the bacon, she might as well be her husband's mom. 

Author image for Emmy Ward Emmy Ward
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    Via Getty Images (Unsplash+)
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    I've intentionally NOT cleaned our house for the past year

    My husband claims to be a germaphobe, but lives like a slob.
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    We separated (but never officially divorced) in 2020. I truly loved living alone with my pets, but am admittedly not the best housekeeper. Laundry is always piled up and the dishes don't get washed until I can actually fill the dishwasher. I don't sweep/mop as often as I should, but will make a generous effort if expecting company.
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    So back in 2022 we reconnected and rekindled our relationship, and decided to move back in together. His OCD (which I have recently learned to call it) is extremely frustrating. He MUST wash or sanitize his hands after
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    touching anything that's been on the floor, money, his wallet, etc. I am required to do the same. Any piece of clothing that has been worn outside of the bedroom (ie. his "safe space") even if only for an hour, has to go immediately into the laundry.
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    Via engin akyurt
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    He hasn't had a legit job in over a year. Some under-the-table work for a while, started two different server jobs and was fired within a few weeks. I work full time and pay at least 90% of the bills (this was still the case before we split). So for the past year I decided that if he is gonna be a SAHH I'm not going to do the housework.
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    Guys, our house is disgraceful and I'd be mortified if anyone came to visit. The floors haven't been cleaned in months. The garbage is overflowing before it gets taken out. Last week we got a notice in the mail about our unkempt lawn. I cave in and clean
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    Via Vidak
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    the bathroom when he leaves skid marks in the toilet or when the sink or shower starts looking gross but I legitimately can't tell if he just doesn't notice these things, doesn't care, or just knows that eventually I'll take care of them so he won't have to.
    Via u/Tracyjeanbitch
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    • Stayceee 3d ago • This. Sounds like some 'passive' weaponised incompetence. Dude knows he's living in a sh hole but doesn't care to do anything about it because he knows you eventually will.
    Via u/Stayceee
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    ISpeakInAmicableLies Idk. After a year, I doubt he expects she will clean. Sounds like the dude's mentally ill and has failed to adapt professionally or domestically, resulting in her being understandably frustrated. I'm not really sure there's a bad guy to he angry at here.
    Via u/ISpeakInAmicableLies
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    hbgbees Mental illness doesn't neutralize anger. The man needs to figure it out before she gets fed up and leaves. She can only put up with it for so long before it becomes too much, regardless of the emotions his inaction evokes.
    Via u/hbgbees
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    BlueButterflytatoo • 3d ago • His mental health isn't his fault. But it is his responsibility.
    Via u/BlueButterflytatoo
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    allislost77 No. I've seen this before. It's often just called lazy. He knows eventually something will be done about it. He's got a new mommy. It's all good. Depending on where they live, this "lifestyle" is quite common. She probably has a good job and he's along for the ride. He probably comes from a family that has a little money-or the opposite and white trash-but either way the result is the same. They absolutely know what they are doing, they just don't care because they don't have to.
    Via u/allislost77
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    Faebertooth ⚫ 3d ago • Edited 1d ago • Remember when you split from him and were happier? Yeah, that was a good call. Do that again
    Via u/Faebertooth
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    AltruisticWafer 7115 100 right omg. She couldn't possibly have read this before posting it and thought the internets would say anything other than this
    Via u/AltruisticWafer7115

  • There are millions of posts online where people ask strangers to help them with their relationship woes, and at least half of them have comments that implore them to get a divorce. In a lot of those cases, divorce is not necessary, nor was it even on the table for the person inquiring. If your husband burned the Thanksgiving Turkey even though you told him he shouldn't cook it twice as hot for half the time, that's not worth ending your relationship. This situation, however, is literally prefaced with the fact that this couple did a trial run for divorce, and it worked out great for her. I don't think the commenters are being hasty or slap-happy regarding permanent separation in this situation. 

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    annewmoon She needed to hear it said in a different voice than the screaming inside her head. Would be my guess
    Via u/annewmoon
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    Top-Painting-2273 • 2d ago Edited 2d ago • Sometimes when you're stuck with the same person or people, you lose touch with what's real and can't tell anymore when your feelings or thoughts are valid or when you're being "hysterical" or "getting worked up over nothing". So what seems obvious to an outsider isn't always so clear for an ab e victim. Being in an ab ive relationship is a bit like being in a cult. It's even worse if you are autistic or have mental illness. It's easier to be gaslit in
    Via u/Top-Painting-2273
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    Willendorf77 That's true even when it's not outright ab ive! Like I've known so many people and myself who basically gaslight ourselves into accepting something wonky in a relationship because we think we're "overreacting." Then when we reality check with each other or we get out of the relationship, we're baffled why we thought that was OK.
    Via u/Willendorf77
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    I think it's a lot of sunk cost fallacy and "relationships are hard work" sort of mentality. But ab ive relationship dynamics from an ab will absolutely skew your view to a whole other degree, like a cult. It is brain washing. It's so disturbing and hard to appreciate how deep it goes from the outside, I think. er
    Via u/Willendorf77
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    kimmypXXX • 3d ago • If he does have diagnosed OCD or you suspect he does, he may actually need treatment for this or help getting things back to perfect in order for him to function at the level you want. Just throwing that out there as someone with OCD, I sometimes go through depressive stages and once things are so far out of order or dirty it actually takes even more of a mental toll on me and even just waking up in filth as someone
    Via u/kimmypXXX
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    with OCD dis regulates me to the point the giant cleaning tasks become too overwhelming. I would recommend if you want your marriage to work, to clean the house TOGETHER as a group activity and to have a conversation with him once this task is done on your expectations on how the home should be kept since he is not working. Rather than your method of punishment with 0 communication and dirty disorder.
    Via u/kimmypXXX

  • Like she's so mommy right now, it's clearly not solving either of their problems, and it's making her miserable.

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  • I've never found that refusing to clean without communication will make a dirty person clean. They'll keep chancing their luck on the other people they live with if it's the last thing they do.

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    Pm_me_your_kittay I agree. The situation sounds beyond frustrating, but if he legitimately has OCD then he needs treatment. Medication could make a world of difference. This is all assuming that he'll consent to treatment though.
    Via u/Pm_me_your_kittay
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    Desert_Fairy OCD does not mean clean. Hoarding is a form of OCD. OCD is simply a compulsive action that some part of his brain has decided will keep him safe. It does not always line up with things that will actually keep him healthy or safe.
    Via u/Desert_Fairy
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    If he is not in treatment, then he is continuing to spiral and you will end up in a worse and worse situation. I agree with others that I would probably step away from this relationship until he seeks professional help in diagnosing and treating his OCD. Your house doesn't have to be spotless, but it will start to collect vermin if you don't keep it a base level of clean.
    Via u/Desert_Fairy
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    Bettye_Wayne Why are you with him, he sounds awful. He makes you miserable and doesn't contribute to the house. Wouldn't you be happier without him?
    Via u/Bettye_Wayne

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