Adult daughter withholds spare key to first home from her mother after growing up in a household with zero privacy: 'She'd go through my room constantly, read my journals, and treated my privacy like an inconvenience'

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Aug 6, 2025 2:00 PM EDT

How much privacy should you give your kid? No parent will have the exact same answer. Naturally, small children should be closely watched most of the time; toddlers especially don't seem to even understand the notion of privacy. As kids grow up and start to desire having more personal space, parents should give it to them while still monitoring their space, relationships, and online use in order to keep them safe. Teenagers especially require and desire more personal space as they grow into independent individuals. As a parent, it is important to trust that you've raised a young adult that behaves appropriately and can communicate with you if they ever feel unsafe or need help.

However, some parents never really stop treating their kids like toddlers. In today's story, a young woman finally has a space to call her own. Sure, she had her own room growing up, but her mom never actually gave her the privacy she needed. Now that she's bought her own house, she's not about to give up her newfound freedom just to pacify her mom's need for control. 

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  • 01

    AITA not giving my mom key my new house after everything she put through growing up?

    디
    via Syda Productions

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 02
    I just bought my first home (a small fixer upper I've been saving for since I was 21). It's not fancy, but it's mine.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 03
    After years of roommates, couch surfing, and c apartments, having a space that's safe and quiet means everything to me.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    Cheezburger Image 10538798848
    via Ekrulila from baseimage

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 05
    My mom found out about the house through my cousin and the first thing she asked was when does she get a copy of the house key. I laughed thinking she was joking. She wasn't.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 06
    Here's some background: I grew up in a house that never felt like home. My mom was the kind of parent who acted more like a jealous older sister
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    than a mom. She'd go through my room constantly, read my journals, made fun of me in front of guests, and treated my privacy like an inconvenience. If I cried, I was being
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 08
    dramatic. If I got good news, she found a way to downplay it or turn it into a competition. When I was 15, she grounded me for two months because I didn't want to show her my texts.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    Cheezburger Image 10538798592
    via Kaboompics.com from Pexels

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 10
    I moved out at 18 and we've had a rocky relationship ever since. She's gotten better on the surface (less yelling, more polite) but I wouldn't call
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    her trustworthy. She still asks invasive questions, still brings up old wounds like they're punchlines, and still pretends like none of it was a big deal.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 12
    So, no, I don't want her to have a key to my home. When I told her that, she got icy and said I was "holding a grudge over teenage drama." She also said I'd
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    never know when I might need her to check on me, which honestly just confirmed exactly why I don't want her to have access. My aunt took her
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    side and told me I was being disrespectful, that she's still my mother and it's "just a spare key".
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    Cheezburger Image 10538799104
    via AS Photography from Pexels

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    But to me, it's more than that. It's about feeling safe. It's about boundaries I never had growing up
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    and finally get to set now. I told my mom this house is my space, and I want to keep it that way.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 18
    Now she's barely speaking to me, and I'm getting guilt tripped from other family members who say I'm being
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
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    cold and ungrateful. I don't think I'm wrong for drawing a line, but I also didn't expect this much backlash.
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh

  • And it's a bad thing that her mom is barely speaking to her? With how she's been treating our protagonist her whole life, I'd consider that a win. 

  • 20
    III_Complaint6717 Give her an old key that's not for your place, then tell her it's for emergencies only if she kicks off she's tried to use it to snoo, and you'll know she's not changed
    via u/III_Complaint6717
  • 21
    JoacheNdoinjeh OP Haha I did think about that but I reconsidered. I'd rather be really clear about my boundary than give her a loophole to twist later. She has a history of turning things around on me so I'm trying to avoid anything she could use to say I was being shady
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh

  • I'd be curious as to what excuse this lady would cook up to use the “emergency” key to her daughter's house. 

  • 22
    dorothylokuxn64 NTA. A key isn't just a spare when it comes to someone who never respected your boundaries. You're not being cold you're protecting your
    via u/dorothylokuxn64
  • 23
    peace. After everything you've been through, you deserve to feel safe in your space. She may be your mom but that doesn't mean she's entitled to access. Good on you for standing firm.
    via u/dorothylokuxn64
  • 24
    JoacheNdoinjeh OP This really helped put it into perspective! It's not just a key, it's trust and I've never really had that with her. I've worked way too hard to finally feel safe and I'm not giving that up out of guilt. Thank you!
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 25
    GirlDwight As far as the other family members giving you a hard time, just say, "This is between me and my mother". Full stop, they don't get a say. Or, "Thanks for your opinion
    via u/GirlDwight
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    but I'm not opinion shopping right now." Relationships are always been two people, don't let others triangulate them. And the only reason they are trying to influence you is because they're sick of your
    via u/GirlDwight
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    mother complaining. But instead of dealing with her, you're a safer target. Their feelings are misplaced - they are transferring them from your mother to you.
    via u/GirlDwight
  • 28
    Don't let them make you the scape goat. Your mother is reacting from a place of fear because she's losing control over you. But that's not healthy, it wouldn't be kind to her to enable that. And consider therapy as many things that were normalized for you are not healthy.
    via u/GirlDwight
  • 29
    And you deserve emotional support and help in maintaining boundaries with your mother and family. If you feel guilty, tap into the anger you deserve to feel. Anger is healthy, it motivates us to protect ourselves with boundaries
    via u/GirlDwight
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    meaning physical and emotional distance. When these boundaries are not respected, we tighten them with more distance. Anger also gives us the energy to enforce them. Also resist the urge to explain yourself to your mother or relatives. When you explain yourself you're telling yourself you need their permission or approval.
    via u/GirlDwight
  • 31
    Also explaining yourself means shifting your energy to your mother which is exactly what she wants - she is still controlling you, so don't feed that. Look up Gray
    via u/GirlDwight
  • 32
    Rocking. I'm so sorry you didn't get the mother you deserve. As an adult you can be your own healthy parent and therapy can help you do that.
    via u/GirlDwight
  • 33
    DetroitSmash-8701 NTA. Just because someone has a problem with your decision doesn't mean you're wrong, especially when
    via u/DetroitSmash-8701
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    it's someone you had a negative experience with. If someone who's been terrible to you isn't talking to you, consider that a blessing.
    via u/DetroitSmash-8701
  • 35
    JoacheNdoinjeh OP Thank you for the reassurance! It's weird tho how even now I catch myself feeling bad that she's mad, like I owe her emotional comfort. ig
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 36
    I've gotten so used to minimizing my own feelings to avoid her blowups. but I'm done doing that. Her silence feels more peaceful than her presence ever did
    via u/JoacheNdoinjeh
  • 37
    Outrageous_Emu8503 NTA-- rejoice that she is barely speaking to you and see what you can do to get the rest of your family to not speak to you. Cultivate new friends and make them family if you can.
    via u/Outrageous_Emu8503

Tags

relationship advice family drama mother Female Empowerment adulting relationships parenting adulthood family boundaries daughter entitled people
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