Woman draws the line after belittling mother dismisses her career accomplishments by insisting on calling her Mrs. “Husband’s Name” instead of Doctor, gives patronizing mother taste of her own medicine

The tangled web of parent-child relationships can always be challenging. But this specific mother-daughter relationship, consisting of equal parts love, passive-aggression, and a sprinkle of generational disappointment sounds like a real struggle.

Here we have a woman juggling a demanding cybersecurity career, PhD studies, and a creative side hustle that's birthed books and films. Yet, somehow, in her mother's eyes, she's only as good as her husband's last name, because, you know, she wouldn't be a real doctor like her father.

The dad is of course—a member of the elite deity class of medical doctors—but the daughter? She's just a wannabe with no scalpel, no stethoscope, and apparently, no right to her own identity.

Pursuing a PhD is already a relentless grind, a perfect mix between an intellectual marathon and an existential crisis. To do it while being constantly belittled by the one person who's supposed to cheer you on seems exhausting. 

In this little slice of domestic elitism and internalized chauvinism, we meet a highly accomplished woman stuck in a family where her achievements apparently pale in comparison to her achievement of being a wife and a daughter to a father with a precious medical degree.

Author image for Etai Eshet Etai Eshet
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  • 01
    "[She] insisted I didn't have the necessary intelligence or discipline."
    via tbradford
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  • 02
    Family insists on addressing me as "Mrs. [spouse's first and last name]", because I'm not a physician
    via Sarita1046
  • 03
    Cheezburger Image 10449598976
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 04
    My [34, F] father is a medical doctor, mother doesn't work and has never felt she had to or desired a career. I work in cybersecurity, have a master's degree, am pursuing a PhD, and have written several books/produced several films.
    via Sarita1046
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  • Despite her master’s degree, ongoing PhD, film production, books, and career in cybersecurity (casually saving the digital world, no big deal), her mother insists she doesn’t measure up because she’s not a “real doctor.” And by “real doctor,” Mother clearly means medical doctor, because apparently, decades of gatekeeping have left no room for mere mortals like PhDs or dentists to enter these hallowed ranks.

  • 05
    ...yet my mother insists because I'm not a doctor (and will never be a "real" doctor, according to her elitist logic that even dentists and PhDs aren't real doctors), I must completely assume my male spouse's identity. Even when
    via Sarita1046

  • To add insult to injury, her mother has decided that since she’s not “worthy” on her own, she should just dissolve her identity entirely and embrace the title of “Mrs. [husband’s first and last name].” You know, because nothing screams personal fulfillment like becoming an accessory to your spouse’s identity. Even Mother’s attempts to defend her to the in-laws boiled down to, “Well, her dad’s a doctor!”

  • 06
    Cheezburger Image 10449598208
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 07
    trying to persuade my in-laws that I was "worth it", her only reasoning was "Her father's a physician!" Never mind that I used to want to go into medicine in adolescence, and both parents insisted I didn't have the necessary intelligence or discipline.
    via Sarita1046
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  • 08
    Not that it's particularly relevant, but my spouse has no desire to pursue a doctorate, so it's not as if I'd have the collective "honorific" of "Dr. and Mrs." like my mother does. I don't vibe with "Mrs. [husband's first and last name]”.
    via Sarita1046

  • It’s just peak snobbery, wrapped in outdated gender roles. All this woman wants is to keep her own name and accomplishments. But hey, why value individuality when you could have faux-upper-class conformity.

  • 09
    Just peak elitism. I can't stand this notion that excessive education and certain super-hard-to-obtain professions are the only things that make a person worth it.
    via Sarita1046
  • 10
    **Edit: Since many are misinterpreting this post, editing to clarify - I'm not expecting to ever be called Dr., even after I earn the PhD, and I am well aware that I don't yet have a doctorate of any sort. The issue is not wanting to be defined solely by my husband's first and last name. Just call me by my first name, same as always.
    via Sarita1046
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  • This isn’t just elitism though, it’s a betrayal of sisterhood, that is tried to be passed down maternally. And the commenters on the woman’s story won’t have it so they offer nicknames and titles they think the woman should give her mother in return.

  • 11
    Dugley2352 And finish with.... she's my birth mother." Or separate them, "this is Dr X, and his wife Edna. She's my birth mother." Separate them with malicious purpose.
    via Dugley2352
  • 12
    noworriesbee His first wife Edna. Slightly malicious.
    via noworriesbee
  • 13
    Turbulent-Falcon-918 Even better if she doesn't work : you can introducer her as dependent; this is doctor and dependent lol I used to deal with this a lot with spouses wearing spouse rank in the army: usually only an issue with 1lt and down though
    via Turbulent-Falcon-918
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  • 14
    Turbulent-Falcon-918 Dr and incubator lol
    via Turbulent-Falcon-918
  • 15
    MooPig48 "Birth giver"
    via MooPig48
  • 16
    WidgetWizard Breeding pool
    via WidgetWizard
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  • 17
    jsrsquared This right here! PhDs are (typically) more schooling than MDS and require greater depth of knowledge. (And before people come at me about residencies and all that stuff, look into post- docs, the publish or perish culture of getting tenure, etc. Academic careers are brutal too).
    via jsrsquared
  • 18
    Tell your parents that it's too bad your dad couldn't hack it as an academic and had to pursue an applied profession instead! (Obviously sarcasm, being a doctor is amazing, but the attitude that MDs are the main doctors is garbage).
    via jsrsquared
  • 19
    2of5 I went through this but not so much w my mother. Other relatives and my mom was passive about it. I professionally needed my maiden name plus I wanted to keep it for the reasons you do. I just refused to
    via 2of5
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  • 20
    acknowledge people when they called me by my husband's name. I returned mail sent to me with my husband's name on it. And just went about my business. It took a long time but people finally did realize that I wasn't
    via 2of5
  • 21
    going to acquiesce to their sexism and began calling me by my name. It sounds like you had parents who didn't and still don't value you and your intellect because they are sexist. I'm glad you have made yourself who you are but f them for devaluing you.
    via 2of5
  • 22
    Sarita 1046 OP That is a brilliant strategy to just ignore them until they respect your wishes. Thank you for your feedback.
    via Sarita1046
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  • 23
    Loccy64 I hope you actually do this and I hope you let us know how it goes lol
    via Loccy64
  • 24
    Ok_Blackberry_284 Stop talking to her and you'll never hear her address you by the wrong name. If you ever meet them in public refer to them as Doctor and his house keeper.
    via Ok_Blackberry_284
  • 25
    Ok_Blackberry_284 She is your father's housekeeper and cook, so be sure to introduce her as that. Dad's house help.
    via Ok_Blackberry_284
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  • 26
    Pantsshittersupreme Don't even do that, introduce them as "this is Dr X, and the woman he's married to.
    via Pantsshittersupreme
  • 27
    GaryG7 Or "this is Dr X, and his current wife."
    via GaryG7
  • 28
    Sarita 1046 OP Oooh, my mother would pass out at that hehe. But yes, we definitely need both.
    via Sarita1046
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Tags

family drama woman phd mother Female Empowerment motherhood moms family feud favoritism husband feminism mother in law daughter sisterhood grandmother mom Father
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