Friend brings her 4-year-old to a child-free wedding and lets him run wild, accusing bride of being a hypocrite for bringing her own child: 'It ruined the whole first part of my wedding'

The concept of child-free weddings has long been a controversial topic, far more controversial than it probably should be… But there always seems to be no shortage of disagreement and discourse surrounding the bounds of these weddings and how appropriate declaring them to be "child-free" is in any given context. This, of course, can be extrapolated to any event where you don't want a collection of unruly children spoiling the fun. So, this all begs the question: when is it ok to declare something child-free, and when is it unfair?

There seems to be a natural divider here between parents and the childless as to what "fair" is. Of course, having kids is an all-consuming affair and can be quite isolating, especially from your childless friends who are going about their lives as they used to while yours—and your freedoms and obligations—have wholly changed. 

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  • Leaving kids with friends and family to have a night to yourselves is an option, but it's exceedingly more difficult to achieve for a night than for a weekend, and the specific problem with weddings is when all of your close friends and family are already in attendance there's no one really left to leave them at home with. This all pushes complaints about "child-free" events being "unfair."

     

  • Still, whether the event is child-free or not, managing your children is still an obligation, and you can't just let them run wild unless the event specifically allows for it. If there's a ban on children in place in an event, you can bet it's for a reason and because of harrowing past experiences with a friend or family member's children.

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    AITA for bringing my daughter to my own child-free wedding?

    So my husband (M29) and I (F27) just recently got married. We spend almost a year planning the perfect wedding, taking the right precautions, etc.. One of our first rules that we decided was that it was a no-kid wedding. We wanted an environment where we wouldn't have to worry about children running around, getting into things, crying, etc.. We made it very clear on our invitation that we didn't want anyone to bring children under 14. We did
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    however decide that we wanted to bring our daughter (11 months), and I wanted to hold her during the reception and photo taking, and then have a family friend drive her home and wait for the babysitter to get there before coming back. Before we settled on that friend, we asked a few people. One of the people we asked was my husband's close friend, Darren's, wife Jessica (fake names). She declined because she didn't want to drive, which worked
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    out fine as we were able to find someone else. So on the day of our wedding, after we told everyone several times about the no kids rule, she showed up with her 4-year-old. I was obviously taken aback, but I went to ask her about it. She told me that "since I was bringing my kid, it was okay if she took hers". Honestly, I was furious. I tried to stay calm and tell her that this is a child-free wedding and she can't let her kid run around, but if she took her kid
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    home she was welcome to come back. She started yelling at me about how since I had a kid it wasn't fair that she couldn't have hers. Her son at this point was already climbing on things, as she just let him run free. I told her that this was her last chance or she'd need to leave. She rolled her eyes,
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    sat down in a chair, and just watched her son run wild. Eventually, her husband Darren convinced her to get her kid and leave, but it ruined the whole first part of my wedding. It's been a few weeks now and I've been thinking, maybe I am in the wrong? I said no kids at my wedding but brought my own. A lot of people in my life are also saying it was hypocritical at the least. So, AITA?
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ah le: i think i may have been hypocritical or in the wrong, maybe i shouldve let people know before hand so they didnt assume?
    via u/JessieLynnReddit

  • Saying, "Well, you brought your kid, so I can bring mine too," and other accusations of hypocrisy might make sense on paper but don't really work when it's a wedding, and the bride has brought her own child to her own wedding.

    Readers of this thread were shocked by the friend's behavior and how she brought her child despite explicitly being asked not to.

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    HaveYouTried Not123. NTA. Your wedding, your rules. And, an unsupervised, unrelated 4 year old is very different to the bride's 11 year old daughter.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    JessieLynn Reddit OP. 20 hr. ago 11 Month!! But also thank you, I'm just worried maybe I made it seem okay if that makes sense?
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    BeMandalorTomad 20 hr. ago . • I'm going to go with NTA You never, ever assume your child is welcome to a wedding, especially a small child. Even if you know the happy couple is bringing a child of their own, it doesn't mean you can bring yours. Not to mention that your kid is 11 and hers is 4. Most 11 year olds I know can be trusted to behave themselves for a while whereas I know a lot of 4 year olds that don't know what 'behave yourself' means.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    No_Philosopher_1870 20 hr. ago NTA. Reading the early part of your post, I figured that the baby would be there for at most an hour for picture- taking purposes. It's your wedding, so childfree me would be willing to cut you some slack on bringing the baby. An 11-month old baby is a lot less active than a 4-year old child who appears to have no discipline at all.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    That you put a condition of not having children under 14 on the invitation that your friends accepted should have. protected you from Jessica bringing her child, That's the invitation that she accepted, and she shouldn't have unilaterally decided to bring her child just because you were bringing your child to the wedding briefly for photos.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    1randomaustralian 20 hr. ago NTA. Bride and groom always has the right of exception to any rule they make for their wedding, ESPECIALLY for their own child that is being included in the ceremony.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    snarkness_monster 20 hr. ago "since I was bringing my kid, it was okay if she took hers" The difference is, it's your kid and your wedding. it wasn't fair Well, life isn't fair, Jessica. Sorry! You and your kid need to learn that now. NTA at all.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    Otherwise_Degree_729 20 hr. ago NTA. I probably would reconsider the friendships. At this point is not about the rule is about the disrespect. It's your wedding, her child being there and your child being there aren't on the same universe. You wanting your child there for a couple of photos is one thing, her bringing her toddler and letting him run around free, I don't have words for it. To top it off she had the audacity to yell at you.
    via u/JessieLynnReddit
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    • Strong_Arm8734 · 20 hr. ago The ONLY people exempt from a child free rule are the HOSTS. In the case of a wedding that is the bride and groom. NTA
    via u/JessieLynnReddit

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