‘I told him I didn’t know how much longer I could keep doing this:’ Woman does everything in her household, asks husband to pick up some slack and he pushes back

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Jan 27, 2025 5:00 PM EST

Weaponized incompetence. Have you heard of this term? It's one of those new-age phrases where we finally put fancy words to something that's been happening since the dawn of time. Weaponized incompetence is when someone performs their inability to complete a task so that the person who asked them to do it just does it anyway, in fear that the other person would do it wrong. Usually, men are weaponizing their incompetence against the women in their lives. To their mothers, their sisters, their wives. But it is most definitely not a gender-exclusive trait. I know I've purposefully done a really bad job at the dishes so my mom wouldn't ask me to do them again. (I do them now, of course…)

What happens, though, when the incompetence becomes too much to bear, and the tasks you've taken on keep piling up? That's what one woman is experiencing with her husband here. She's the breadwinner, the bill payer, and on top of everything, she cooks, cleans, and does all the laundry. With her husband not working, they're financially strapped for cash. So when she comes home one day to find him yet again on the couch, she finally flips her lid. Is this a He Had It Coming Moment? Read on to find out.


 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10456111104
    via Dane Deaner
  • 02

    "AITA for getting mad at my husband for not wanting to go to work or help around the house while I do everything?"

    So, I (F, 32) work full time as a marketing manager. My husband (M, 34) has been out of work for a while now, and we're really struggling financially. My salary just about covers the bills, but there's not much left for anything else. It's honestly been super stressful, and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 03
    At first, my husband said he was "looking for a job," but lately, it's become clear he's not really putting in much effort. When I ask about it, he says he's "waiting for the right opportunity" or that he's "not in the right headspace."
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 04
    But I've noticed he spends a lot of time just gaming, watching TV, or napping. He hasn't been doing much around the house either. I'm the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. I feel like I'm doing everything while he does nothing.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 05
    Last night was the breaking point. I came home after a long day at work to a messy house dishes everywhere, laundry piling up, the bathroom was disgusting, and I still had to cook dinner for both of us. I was already tired and frustrated, and when I asked him why he hadn't done anything, he said he wasn't feeling in the mode today. I just lost it.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 06
    I told him I couldn't keep doing everything alone. I work full time, I'm paying the bills, and I'm doing all the chores around the house. I told him it wasn't fair that I was carrying all the weight of the house and our finances, and that if we were going to get through this, we both needed to be pulling our weight. He got defensive and said I was being too harsh on him, that he was just "trying to decompress" and "deserved a break." I honestly couldn't believe it.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 07
    The argument got really heated, and I said some things I probably shouldn't have. I told him that I felt like I was taking care of another kid, not a partner, and that I was at my breaking point. I told him I didn't know how much longer I could keep doing this. He got really upset, said I was "attacking" him, and stormed off to "clear his head."
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 08
    I feel bad about some of the things I said, but at the same time, I'm just so exhausted. I'm constantly running on empty, and I don't know what else to do. I love him, but I can't keep doing everything myself. AITA for snapping at him and calling him out on his lack of effort?
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 09

    Let's see how the internet weighed in...

    Cheezburger Image 10456111360
    via Nik Shuliahin
  • 10

    Some commenters cut right to the chase

    He is a freeloading and deadbeat.. You need to take out the trash
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  • 11
    OP should stop paying for the internet and TV, for a start. Make sitting around the house less comfortable. NTA.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 12
    NTA if you start thinking of divorce, contact a lawyer. Depending on the state and amount of time he's been out of work, you could end up paying him spousal support!!!
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 13
    NTA It's time to downsize the bills. Start with the internet and cable. Any subscriptions go, too. Tell him you can't afford for him to stay home any longer.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 14

    Others gave generous and thoughtful advice

    You're not the a h le here. It's completely understandable that you're frustrated and exhausted. You're doing everything — working full time, covering the bills, and maintaining the house - while your husband isn't contributing as much as he should, especially given that he's not working.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 15
    It's important for both partners to share responsibilities, and it sounds like you've been. carrying the weight of both. your financial situation and household chores for too long without support. Your husband's response of saying he's "waiting for the right opportunity" or "not in the right headspace" while spending his time gaming or napping is not fair to you.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 16
    It's one thing if he's truly struggling mentally, but even then, there needs to be some effort on his part to help with things that are within his control, like chores.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 17
    While you may have said some things in the heat of the moment, it's also clear that you've been bottling up your frustration for a while.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 18
    It's not healthy for you to continue in this dynamic, and it's important that your husband understands how his lack of effort is affecting you. You deserve to have a partner who supports you both emotionally and practically, and it sounds like you're at your limit.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 19
    Your feelings are valid, and you've been more than patient. You're not wrong for wanting to address the situation and express your frustration. The key is to have a calm, honest conversation with him about how you feel and how things need to change.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 20
    I feel bad about some of the things I said, Don't. Don't let him use guilt against you. You said what needed to be said. Now you need to sit him down and have a rational conversation. Use specifics and timelines. Personally, I would have him. doing DoorDash until he found a "real" job.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 21
    NTA. He should pull his weight and help around the house. What if you need to "clear your head" or "need to decompress"? Where is your time to do that - among all the work and chores and paying pills?
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 22
    He might be depressed or whatever but he needs to work through his stuff. He can't help you to do everything alone. And do not let him guilt trip you - you had and have every right to express your frustration.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 23

    Some weren't afraid to bring up the sobering reality...

    You should make a decision quickly, and leave if you're going to leave. The longer he doesn't work increases your odds of having to pay alimony or spousal maintenance if you do leave later.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596
  • 24
    I'd put a password on the Internet, tv etc... No grocery shopping I'd eat out every night. But knowing me, my husband never tried to pull that stunt on me. Start believing you deserve better.
    via Sufficient-Hat-2596

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Dating-Relationships toxic-husband AITAH wife reddit story couples Reddit relationship drama
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