15-year-old tells her parents that she doesn't regard her 6-year-old foster sister as a sibling, despite foster sister's wishes: 'Her birthday wish was that I loved her back'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Jan 25, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Fostering a child is a noble cause for a family to undertake, but it is not to be done or taken lightly and without careful consideration. You first need to consider the effects and disruption to your own children's lives.

Even then, there is going to be adjustment for everyone, and you can't force new relationships—of any sort. Of course, it would be best if all parties were agreeable and did their best to pursue the most positive outcomes. Open and honest communication from all parties will help to achieve this. But feelings simply aren't that simple, they have many layers and are as deeply complex as we are ourselves. So, sometimes, there might not even be a reason we can pinpoint the reason we feel as we do.

While a teen is trying to figure out their own individuality and path in life, changing the foundations of their understanding of their life and the world is going to prove to be extremely difficult for them. There's enough changing for them in the now and the near future. Listening to your teens when they're trying to carve out this path of individuality is the most important thing.

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    "AITA for not accepting my parents' foster child as my sister?"

    My (15F) parents have been fostering Julia (6F) for the past 7 months. She turned 6 three days ago and we celebrated her birthday together. They later told me Julia told them her birthday wish was that I loved her back. I felt so sad and guilty when I heard this. I already like her but she clearly didn't feel this way. My parents then told me maybe I should have a talk with her and tell her she's my sister and I love her. I told them I don't feel ready for that talk. I like Julia but it's been j
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  • This 15-year-old teen felt nothing but conflict guilt when she was told that their 6-year-old foster sister had made it her “birthday wish” for the teen to “love her back." She felt like the steps that needed to be taken and the demands that were being placed on her were simply too big when the teen was only ready for the smaller steps that the current state of their relationship was ready for.

    See the rest of her story, followed by the responses from the community where she shared it, below.

  • 03
    They asked me when I would feel ready. and I said I don't know. I told them I don't think I'll ever be able to truly see her as my sister. My parents seemed to be surprised by my response. They paused for a while and then said soon they will adopt her legally, so I should. accept she's going to be my sister. I don't know why but I felt so hurt and I started crying. They tried to calm me down but I just couldn't stop crying. I felt too overwhelmed and threw a little fit. My mom said she's so disa
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  • 04
    This morning they wanted to talk about this again but I didn't want to. My mom told me I'm not a kid anymore and that I need to do better than this. Now I can't help but feel resentful towards Julia. I know she's just a kid but part of me even thinks she told them about that birthday wish of hers on purpose to make me look bad. AITA?
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    ETA / INFO: 1. Yes I'm an only child. 2. They didn't start the legal process yet. My mom meant it like they made up their minds about adopting her, as in it is their final decision and they will begin the process soon. (Sorry if that part was confusing! English isn't my first language.)
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  • 06
    I read through all of your advice. I decided to have that talk with my parents. I mean we will have to make. that talk at some point anyway, I can't escape forever. I couldn't express myself properly the last time, so hopefully this time I can. I will try to not get emotional and I won't try to change their minds or anything. I would feel forever guilty if they gave up on Julia because of me. I will just express my honest feelings about the situation. I will also try to work on those feelings.
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: Because I told my parents I don't think I ever will accept Julia as a sister and it disappointed them. They are going to adopt her legally and they expect me to accept her as my sister but I don't feel ready for that and now even feel resentful towards Julia.
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    • TeenySod 8h ago NTA Your mother is not being fair trying to guilt you into expressing something that you do not feel. Your father sounds like he at least nearly understands by telling your mother to give you more time. I would be pushing back at your mother "Mum, you're right, I'm - not a kid any more which means
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    that I decide whether I love someone or not. I like Julia just fine, and if she's going to be part of our family, maybe that will grow into love, maybe it won't, I am not going to make promises." Don't get involved in arguments about whether Julia is or is not your Λ sister keep it to that ^. If your - mother keeps putting you under pressure, ask her exactly what she-or, allegedly, Julia - wants
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    you to DO. Not what they want you to feel, no-one can gatekeep that. What they want you to DO. It might just be a matter of spending more time with Julia if you can? (don't let this get out of hand though, you have a right to your own life and friends!).
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    There is no obligation for you to "love" Julia, as long as you are kind to her, which it sounds like you are being as you said already that you like her. I would seek some outside support around this. Your mother is being a bit weird tbh, I wonder if she is missing having a young daughter now you are growing up, and could maybe do with looking at her own motives - what will happen when Julia gets into her teens and isn't a kid any more?
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    Sounds like you are being the adult around this as you've obviously thought about it quite carefully, which is far more to your credit than just giving in to pressure. Take care.
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    • tinyd71 9h ago This sounds very difficult for you. Adopting a child into your family should be a (series of!) conversations between you and your parents, rather than them telling you what's going to happen and expecting you to accept it.
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    Genuine feelings of care and love take time to develop. And it sounds like this isn't the ideal setting for those feelings...your parents have made decisions that affect you, without including you in the process. And now they're putting their expectations (that you'll love this person as a sister) on you, with a side of guilt.
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    Being 15 is hard enough...this change in your family dynamic, and perhaps feeling helpless about how things are changing, must be very difficult. Ideally you'll have some open and honest discussion with your parents, but if that isn't possible, please know that you aren't an AH by any means...you're just a person with feelings, which is very normal and quite all right.
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  • 16
    Julia is a child and is herself in a new situation (with your family) and likely has some upset or trauma in her background that led her to being with your family -- she isn't your enemy, although it may feel like it. NTA
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    totallyworkinghere 8h ago • NTA. It's been less than a year! You might not have even bonded with a biological sibling that fast! I understand your parents wanting everyone to get along, but where they become is telling you they are adopting Julia without asking your opinion. Before all this, if they had asked you, do you think you could have lived cordially with Julia on a permanent basis?
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    People here are also going to tell you not to feel resentment towards the little girl. But in your case, feeling some resentment is normal. You do not need to feel guilty for having emotions. What you do have a responsibility to do is recognize that despite your emotions, she's a 6 year old child, and she does not deserve to feel the effects of your resentment.
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    Family counseling would definitely be helpful here, and honestly a good idea even if you were totally on board with the adoption. It's a big change, and you'll all benefit from having a level headed person to talk to.
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    No-Satisfaction-3897 8h ago • Both of you are children, this is not a bad thing or an insult. Neither of you has full control of your life, who you live with, and who you associate with. Even adults need time to process this very large change. Breathe, assume good intentions, and focus on what you can do in life. This was a big decision for your parents to make and they have had time to think about it and process. You need to do the same, take time to think and process.
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    In the meantime, let your parents know what you told us, you like her, and you are open to see where your relationship goes. Say you need time to process such big news and maybe you might consider asking to see a family counselor to help you through this very large potential life change.
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    rockology_adam • 8h ago NAH. I know your mom is leaning that what, and her timing for telling you about adoption s ks, but there are no here, OP. There's just people with feelings that are in conflict. I get what you're feeling OP, but I want to point out that the idea that a six-year-old is nefarious and machiavellian enough to make a birthday wish to make you look bad is a pretty ridiculous thing. And that leads me to the important piece here...
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    You need to talk to someone who is not your parents about what's going on here. A professional therapist or counsellor. Maybe something is available at school, maybe your GP can make a referral. Your parents need to be supportive of this, because big changes often require some venting and some counselling from someone not involved.
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    I want to remind you that this could have just as easily been a biological sister coming into your life. Would you have had the same reaction? It could go either way, but for the most part, we'd assume you'd be handling it better. Why? Well, for one thing, you aren't suddenly surprised by a speaking, thinking, feeling person in your life one day. There's a nine-month gestation and a whole infancy where you figure out how you're supposed to feel about this and come around to some kind of familial
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    Your parents have fostered and are now going to adopt this girl. You don't get the ramp. You don't get any kind of learning curve the same way you would with a baby. It's sudden and sudden things, especially things we can't control and have no say in, are often off- putting. And this is where you are now... sudden, recent changes, with more coming (metaphorically, since the adoption probably changes nothing about your living. situation), when you are still processing the first ones.
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  • 26
    That processing is important and where help would be useful. You start this post by saying you like the kid well enough. That OUGHT to have been enough. You aren't hating on the kid. You're being nice to her... what was anyone, her or your parents, expecting you to do with a six-year-old? Are you supposed to be cuddly sleepover friends?
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  • 27
    Family counselling. Personal counselling. Please try to keep LIKING your sister. It's not her fault that your parents are moving quickly or making these choices. But it's not their fault either. There really is no BLAME here, just mismatches. I hope you can all come around to understanding one another better.
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  • 28
    Bo_058 8h ago • NTA My mom told me I'm not a kid anymore Yes, you are, and your mother should do better by you. Your dad seems to be more empathetic to you, though, so that's something. Can you go to him and ask for family therapy? Because your feelings are not being considered here, and you don't seem to have a safe space to express them and have them heard.
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    navistar51 · 8h ago • Forced emotions are not emotions. They are acts of theater. NTA. Process and deal with this in your own way.
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    merishore25 . 9h ago NTA. You can't force someone to have those feelings. Your Mom should be considering your feelings as valid. Her putting this pressure on you is very unfair.
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    Virtual_Ad2023 • 8h ago NTA. It's okay not to instantly feel like someone is family—it's been only 7 months, not a Disney movie montage. Relationships take time to build, especially with big changes like this. Be kind to her, but also give yourself grace to adjust. You're human, not a Hallmark card.
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