'I made it 100% clear that I want kids and I want to start a family': Wife continually avoids "kids" conversation, husband says she's leading him on

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Feb 7, 2025 1:00 PM EST

When you are choosing the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, there are many beliefs that have to align between the two of you for it to work. Maybe it's family dynamics. Maybe it's traditional values. Maybe it's the way you act when you go to the airport. The bottom line is that opposites may attract, but you have to agree on the important things for a relationship to work.

For a lot of these conversations, it depends on the couple and what is most important to them to decide what is a dealbreaker and what can be compromised. However, the one topic that needs to be universally discussed is whether or not you and your partner want to have children. One man talked about his struggles with his wife of three years because she is still skirting the conversation about having kids. This man really wants children and has explicitly told his wife that on many occasions. Here, he asks for advice on how to approach the situation with his wife. Is he right to think that she led him on? Or should he have figured this out with her well before they got married? Follow along to decide.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10462159360
    via Omar Lopez
  • 02

    "Am I the AH for thinking that my wife is leading me on?"

    My wife (30F) and I (34 M) are married for three years now. From the start I have been very clear that I wanted a serious relationship and family someday.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 03
    I also made it 100% clear that I want kids and I want to start a family at some point in our marriage. After marriage I bought it I with my wife after a year but she quickly dismissed it saying that we have much more to live. Reasonable.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 04
    I didn't give it much thought thinking she was just adjusting and she needed time. But after 3 years of marriage and lot of exploring, I bought it up again few months ago. She again dismissed it, saying that she has lot of work to be having kids.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 05
    That upset me, so I sat her down one day and asked her that if she's clear about having kids or not. I know I was pressurizing her at this point but i needed a yes or no. I can't keep waiting forever.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 06
    She explained that she was scared to have kids after seeing her bestfriend give birth a year before and almost losing everything. Her body, her job, and health.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 07
    I understood, I really did. At the end, it is her body going though all of that.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 08
    I said I'll give her time to think about it but if she decides to that she's ready, I'll support her through everything. All I expected was a simple nod in return, but my wife blew up at me calling me insensitive for not caring about her and her body.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 09
    I don't know what to do at that point as I tried to calm her down and finally, said that we don't have to have kids if you don't want to. She finally calmed down but was still giving me the cold shoulders for few days.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 10
    I thought of adoptions and suggested it too and she immediately dismissed that too, saying that she won't take care of some random child.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 11
    I am genuinely confused right now, I thought she was scared of the pain and pregnancy. What's wrong with adopting a newborn?
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 12
    And I feel like she is leading me on, becuse i have heard her talking multiple times on the phone about having a child to her friend but when I ask her about it, she quickly dismisses it.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 13
    A part of me feel like a a hole for pressuring her but other part of me think that she's leading me on, since I was clear even before marriage that I want to have kids someday.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 14

    People were in the comments telling this man he may need to revaluate his relationship.

    H # はらぺこあおむし エリック・カール マグネット あそび 39
    via Yuri Shirota
  • 15

    You know what they say, a deal-breaker's a deal-breaker.

    Well, if you want to have kids, it really shouldn't be with her since she'll resent you for it and that's not how you want to live, I assume. Sounds like the marriage has run its course unless you're happy to change your mind and not have kids. NTA and she should not be surprised this obvious deal breaker breaks the deal.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 16
    Your wife doesn't want a child and will keep making excuses. If you go along with her then one day you'll resent giving up something so very important to you. It's most concerning that you two aren't able to discuss this rationally together. It's ok for her to change her mind and it's ok for you to find someone else who wants the same things as you. NTA please update us.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 17
    NTA. I divorced my ex wife for this exact reason. I waited to petition until I was 40 (she was 35) because i was so conflicted. We had names picked out & colors for the nursery. That's when, after almost 10 years together of us "trying" but her not really wanting to do IVF, she told me she didn't feel the "maternal pull". Went through the analysis to make sure i wasn't sterile and everything. She was on the pill the whole time and I didn't know.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 18
    I should have left way sooner and of course that window closed because i wanted to be a relatively younger father. I'm in my early 50s now & I carried a lot of resentment but finally have made peace with it. If children are really important to you and that's a deal-breaker, leave ASAP.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 19
    At some point the 2 of you need to make a decision. No pressure but if she doesn't want to give birth or adopt then you will need to move on. Let her find someone that doesn't want kids and you find someone that would love to be the mother of your children.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 20
    She doesn't want children. Perhaps she is too scared to say it. She needs to figure out what she wants and you need to either accept what she wants or leave her. It's ok to move on.
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 21

    Dun dun dun deckadundun.... under pressure!

    It's not 'pressuring' to ask your life partner her opinion. about a major life changing joint decision. Pressure would be, "Let's have a baby. Okay? Let's do it now. How about now? How about now?"
    via Conscious-Fly8539
  • 22
    If she doesn't want children, you may need to decide whether you will continue with her, or find a more compatible mate.
    via Conscious-Fly8539

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