'This is our first Christmas as a real family': New stepmom insists 21-year-old stepdaughter cancel plans to visit her bio-mom so she can attend her holiday party, throws a fit when she declines

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Feb 28, 2025 4:00 PM EST

It's not always easy to blend families. Different parties might be resistant to different kinds of change, and points of view can easily clash. This is even (and sometimes especially) true when you have adult children. Odds are, they have probably missed the boat in connecting with their new step-parent in a particularly intimate way. When you're a kid, you're more adaptable to new presences in your life. 

You live at home and you're subjected to the will of your parents. When you grow up, they cease to have control over you in that way, so you may not elect to spend that much time with your parent's new significant other. That doesn't mean you don't approve of them, it just means that your priorities might be different. But adults don't always understand that and can take it personally when their stepchild doesn't want to be that close to them.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10472461568
    via Unsplash+ (Brock Wegner)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • That's what happened in this story when a newly-minted stepmom crossed a boundary with her new stepchild. She failed to understand that it's probably best for the child to take the lead, and let them adapt to change at their own pace. It didn't help that it was the holidays when tensions run famously high. Read on for the story and see what you think.

  • 02

    AITA for not changing my holiday plans to accommodate my dad's new wife?

    I (21F) am in college and usually go home for the holidays to spend time with my dad (48M) and extended family. My parents divorced when I was 12, and I've always spent part of the holidays with each parent. My dad remarried early last year to "Lisa" (46F), and while we're polite to each other, we're not particularly close.
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 03
    This past year, I made plans months in advance to visit my mom's side of the family for Christmas. We don't always get to see each other since they live out of state, so I was really excited. I told my dad early on, and he seemed fine with it.
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 04
    Fast forward to the second week of December-Lisa called me and said she and my dad were planning to host a big Christmas dinner for her side of the family and expected me to be there. I told her I already had plans and wouldn't be in town. She seemed surprised and said, "Well, we assumed you'd want to be here since this is our first Christmas as a real family."
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 05
    I told her that while I appreciate the invitation, I had already committed to my other plans. She started guilt-tripping me, saying it was important to "blend the families" and that it would "mean a lot" to my dad if I made the effort. When I brought this up to my dad later, he said he understood my plans but also mentioned that Lisa was upset because she wanted a "perfect" first Christmas as a married couple. He asked if I could at least rearrange my trip so I could be there.
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 06
    I said no-l planned this trip long ago, and just because Lisa suddenly decided to host something doesn't mean I should drop everything. He sighed and said he wasn't mad but that I should "think about what kind of family dynamic I want in the future."
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 07
    Fast forward to now (February of this year): Lisa has not spoken to me since that phone call, and a few family members (including my grandma) have said I could have tried to compromise. My mom says I did nothing wrong, but I'm wondering if I should have made more of an effort for my dad's sake. AITA for sticking to my original holiday plans?
    via u/SwimmingProof4237
  • 08

    Commenters gave their opinions on if she handled the situation appropriately.

    Fickle_Toe1724 · 11h ago NTA. You made plans well in advance. You told your dad your plans. That should have been the end of it.
    via u/Fickle_Toe1724
  • 09
    Your step mother making plans for you, an adult, without consulting you, was wrong. Now she is pouting like a child because she didn't get her way. That is her problem, not yours. Just ignore her. Still talk to your dad, but don't worry about his wife. She needs to grow up and understand she can not dictate to you. She can invite you, but not command you.
    via u/Fickle_Toe1724
  • 10
    Bitter-Paramedic-... 11h ago NTA. If Lisa wanted you there so badly, she should've checked the date worked first. The rest is just power play to see if you'd bail out on your mum for her.
    via u/Bitter-Paramedic-531
  • 11
    Monday0987 · 11h ago "Dad, your wife has ignored me for two months now. While you aren't obliged to tell her to cut it out you need to think about what kind of family dynamic you want with me in the future"
    via u/Monday0987
  • 12
    Cheezburger Image 10472462592
    via Unsplash+ (Brock Wegner)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 13
    hadMcDofordinner • 11h ago Your mother is right, you did nothing wrong. Good on you for keeping your priorities straight and not letting your father's wife pull a power play stunt at Christmas. If she's so immature that she's no longer speaking to you, that's her problem. LOL Do remember, though, that you father should not be playing along with his wife.
    via u/hadMcDofordinner
  • 14
    Al... 11h ago Edited 10h ago NTA - Dad dropped the ball here. OP communicated with their father what their plans were. If father's wife had already started to make plans it was Father's responsibility to ask daughter, during that phone call, if there was any
    via u/AlarmedBechamel
  • 15
    room to compromise. If wife made plans after OP had told their Dad where they were spending Christmas again, it was Father's responsibility to tell wife that daughter had already had plans and couldn't attend. Father's failure to communicate is not OP's fault.
    via u/AlarmedBechamel
  • 16
    Traditional_Fan_2... • 11h ago Lisa needs to grow up. Your dad needs to remind her that you had plans and have a life. She's just upset because she planned to look like the perfect stepmom, and you ruined it. She's the type that makes it hard for all other stepmoms.
    via u/Traditional_Fan_2655
  • 17
    chaserscarlet 11h ago You would have been an AH for cancelling plans with your mums family for last minute plans with your new stepmums. It's actually ridiculous that your dad didn't call her out for it.
    via u/chaserscarlet
  • 18
    Cosmicshimmer • 10h ago . Lisa made a power play and lost. She's p ed that you wouldn't be manipulated and put her before your mother.
    via u/Cosmicshimmer
  • 19
    yamahamama61 · 11h ago I have started this 1 shtick. If someone still wants to argue about something after I already explained why I wont/can't do what they want me to, I just hang up. I am not going to say the same thing a 2nd time. They heard me the 1st time. Hang up
    via u/yamahamama61
  • 20
    NextSplit2683 10h ago • Red flag. She hasn't spoken to you in months, just because you couldn't make the perfect Christmas dinner? Your dad knew about your plans well in advance. This could all have been avoided if he just told her not to include you when she was planning her dinner. There was a real family in place before she joined the family. Thank God you have your mother. You are definitely NTAH.
    via u/NextSplit2683
  • 21
    • LoubyAnnoyed 11h ago NTA. Your new stepmom needs to treat you with the same respect you show her. You're a bit old to fall into a "new-mommy" dynamic with her, and this all feels highly performative.
    via u/LoubyAnnoyed
  • 22
    cressidacole • 10h ago This is your father's problem, not yours. I have no doubt he was fine with your plans until his wife decided you were required to attend their gathering.
    via u/cressidacole
  • 23
    All communication should go through him. You should not have to answer to his wife, and he should not be trying to avoid conflict by staying out of it. You are not a child, and she is not a parental figure to you.
    via u/cressidacole
  • 24
    MissMandaRegrets 10h ago NTA Your mother IS your real family. Your father's wife has no right to throw shade her way. Don't try to engage with her because you'd just be feeding her control issues, and we never feed the narcissist. You're being punished, and your father sks for not having your back.
    via u/MissMandaRegrets
  • 25
    There was no compromise since you couldn't be in two places at once. That's just code for "you should dump your mom and give Lisa her way." No.
    via u/MissMandaRegrets
  • 26
    Salty-Childhood 5... 10h ago No. What's funny is she may have even planned her dinner knowing your plans, to see how you would respond. If that changes your whole dynamic, that's freaking weird.
    via u/Salty-Childhood5759
  • 27
    She is literally gaslighting you. What the h I is a real family... she wanted to show you off to her family, as this wasn't even for your dad's side of the family. She also is assuming that your family is broken. It's borderline sociopathic because now she is rattling on you to your family...
    via u/Salty-Childhood5759

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family drama stepmother aita kids blended family stepmom moms parenting dad family cute kids reddit thread parent Reddit raising kids Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
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