Family chef requests last minute grocery shop from partner every time he cooks, flips out when she starts to refuse: 'I am starting to feel he does this to make me earn my meal'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Mar 26, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

For those of us who can find cooking tiresome, there is no greater privilege than living with an individual who loves to be in the kitchen. What a relief to have somebody else planning dinner and spending all that time over the stove. Of course, there is usually an expectation that you will contribute, whether that be through dishes or groceries, but so long as that is all planned out, it should not be an issue.

That being said, it is possible for these kinds of arrangements to become troublesome with the wrong management. With impure intentions, an offer to cook can become a headache in disguise. If you aren't careful, you can be left wishing that you could have just heated up a microwave meal for yourself and been done with it. Food is best enjoyed as a social thing, but only when everybody is willing to have the right attitude.

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    elin
    via Soroush Karimi

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is something that one woman found herself struggling with when her live-in partner insisted on doing all the cooking for the household. He kept requesting that she go to the store to buy him ingredients he forgot while he was in the process of cooking, despite him being picky and desiring to do most of the grocery shopping himself. She also resented the fact that he did not clean up the kitchen as he cooked.

    This led to her beginning to refuse his requests, something which he complained about. She wanted to know if her response was unreasonable.

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    Cheezburger Image 10486396160
    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)
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    AITA for refusing to go to the store when my significant other cooks meals for me?

    My signifiant other (M38) and I (F35) have lived together for over a year. His mother and our daughter (F13) are also in the home. He is the primary cook in the home as he prefers to cook and is picky about how the food is prepared. He also does the majority of the shopping because he prefers to shop at certain stores. I do also cook occasionally and pay for meals when we order out. Additionally when I give him money to assist with bills I give extra to help pay for food costs. I do also clean t
    via Any-Basis4931
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    the store for last minute ingredients. For some reason he never has all the ingredients right before the meal needs to be cooked. For instance tonight, he starts cooking pasta at 6:45pm and right before he cooks he forgot that we did not have noodles. He started planning dinner at 10am. He then expects me to drop anything I am doing to go to the store to get the items. When I say "no, you could have asked earlier or planned better" he accuses me of being lazy or not helpful. He does this during
    via Any-Basis4931
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    holidays too. Days before the holiday I asks several times does he need me to go to the store. Every day leading up to the holiday he says no, then inevitably the day of the holiday he needs a few ingredients. I ask him all the time just to be thoughtful of my time because I could end up having to make trips to the store everyday due to his poor planning. I am starting to feel he does this as a way to make me earn my meal. AITA?
    via Any-Basis4931
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    People concurred that the chef was the issue.

    PittieLover1 NTA, but I'm left wondering if he does other things that show he doesn't respect you. Is this the tip of the iceberg?
    via PittieLover1
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    Feeling-Visit1472 I don't understand how someone who truly enjoys cooking doesn't keep a better-stocked kitchen.
    via Feeling-Visit1472
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    fudbag Sounds like more of a control thing for him
    via fudbag
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    earthenlily Yeah, "I'm cooking but instead of it making your life easier, I'll make sure to punish you with a grocery run for benefiting from my princely cooking skills"
    via earthenlily
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    Reasonable-Ad-3605 Ya know, I was ready to go the opposite way here because they're doing most of the mental and physical labor here but who the h doesn't check if they have pasta before preparing a pasta meal. Plus you're trying to preempt the issue. NTA. He needs to figure out how to shop/ask for materials ahead of time or switch to Blue apron.
    via Reasonable-Ad-3605
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    freckles-101 Right? I have ADHD so sometimes forget to get things when I'm at the shops, but if I don't have a key ingredient for something I decide to make that night, I change to something else. If I have something planned in advance, I make sure I have the stuff for it in. If I decide what to make and my husband isn't in from work yet and I need something, I'll ask him to pick it up, but if he can't, again, I'll change what I'm making. He can drive, I can't. But we do have shops within easy w
    via freckles-101
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    BerserkerRed I was going to say yes but the last bit is 100% weaponized incompetence. I say that as a dude. NTA - your partner sounds manipulative. Like why do this? It's not not hard to check to see what you need and plan even a little in advance
    via BeserkerRed
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    Tenma 159 I do the majority of the cooking and grocery runs and I'll miss an ingredient or 2 maybe a handful of times a year. This definitely sounds off.
    via Tenma159
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    TheHatOnTheCat NTA if this is a recurring issue. That said, you probably need to have a conversation with him about it at a neutral time and at least offer to adjust who does what chores. Let your partner that you'd like to discuss the division chores. Are you equally happy cooking or cleaning? If so, then talk about it. Say you know he prefers to cook, and you appreciate what he makes (if you do). However, you are also happy to cook yourself. If he expects you to both clean and go pick up last
    via TheHatOnTheCat
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    It sounds like he won't like this, but if you have an issue you have to be willing to do the work he's doing. Honestly, if this is rare and you like his cooking, I'd do him this favor. But if it's happening a lot, maybe agree in advance that either he needs to handle it himself on nights he cooks or that he'll take over cleaning if you have to take an extra trip to the store. Honestly, if he has to clean up after himself he might become neater.
    via TheHatOnTheCat
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    Any-Basis4931 OP Great suggestion, thank you for taking time to respond so thoughtfully!
    via Any-Basis4931
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    ResearcherNo8377 NTA- this seems like a weird power play if it's happening every day. He's creating a crisis and making you fix it. Especially for something like planning a pasta dish and then not having noodles. This is not just missing out on a cilantro/parsley garnish. This is the core meal. The whole thing reads as him being controlling. I'm picky about food and like it to be prepared in fun ways with lots of flavor but I have 2 young kids and they're not super into my creations so sometimes
    via ResearcherNo8377
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    RandoCollision How do you start meal prep 9 hours earlier and somehow plan a meal with ingredients you don't have. "What's for dinner tomorrow?" "Fish and chips." "Do we need anything?" "No, we're good." Next day: "Starting dinner. I know you're talking to your Mom on the phone, but I need you to go to the store and pick up a few things." "Really?! Like what?" "Two pounds of fish and a bag of potatoes." That shouldn't happen. NTA.
    via RandoCollision
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    earthenlily NTA, I make a meal with ingredients I have in the house. If I forgot something, I make something else instead. No pasta? Thats_ks | forgot, I'll make rice instead and get pasta for next time. Having you go out every time is weird and definitely a result of poor planning. I keep staples topped up at home and the rest I'm flexible about. Having to drive to get stuff seems so unnecessary.
    via earthenlily
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    Whispergloww This isn't about being lazy; it's about respecting your time. He's consistently failing to plan, then expecting you to drop everything for his convenience. It's not your job to fix his poor planning. If he wants you to get last-minute ingredients, he needs to ask with enough time, or better yet, plan ahead. You're not his errand runner.
    via Whispergloww
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    prevknamy NTA. I'd rather cook than clean up after him and run his last minute errands. Can you decide you will cook half the time, and... I'm not saying you should... but it would be a shame if you accidentally forgot an ingredient every time you cook and have him run out to get it. And obviously you shouldn't clean as you go
    via prevknamy
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    IED117 NTAH He's being a pain. In my marriage I did all the cooking, by choice, and in a coincidence we lived with my mom too. I hardly ever asked anyone to run out for stuff. I think I was more likely to go, just for the time alone. I made it clear I wasn't cleaning up after and they needed to figure it out if they wanted me to cook. They did. He cleaned up counters and loaded the dishwasher every day and mom emptied it every morning. Now I do it all myself. I miss the labor (and my mom ).
    via IED117
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    TheLadyEve NTA. If he wants to make something specific and fails to plan, then he can pay for instacart delivery. I get it, I've been cooking sometimes (this especially happens leading up to holidays when I'm prepping things) and I asked my husband to go get X, and he has, but it's r de to expect that. You shouldn't be expected to drop everything. Maybe once in a while, if you're not busy, but saying no is not lazy.
    via TheLadyEve

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