‘I don't want to feel like I'm raising someone else's legacy’: Husband asks pregnant wife to name their child after his late ex-wife, she refuses because she wants her daughter to have her own identity

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
May 18, 2025 8:00 PM EDT

Most parents think long and hard about what they're going to name their child before they come into the world. Most of the time, this choice is permanent, and the child keeps their name for the rest of their lives. So, yeah—a baby name is a pretty important thing for parents and for children. Choosing a name like Spoon or Hot Plate might not be the way to go… but I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum.

Choosing a name is a two-person job. Both parents must make the choice and agree upon what they'll name their future child. If one parent believes they aren't being heard in their frustrations and concerns regarding name choices, then it's important to regroup and find common ground.

The mom-to-be in this next story refuses to accept her husband's plea to name their future daughter after his late ex-wife. Of course, the woman knows that the wife cannot get between them and doesn't want to diminish her husband's grief. However, a name is a big deal, and she prefers not to use her daughter to memorialize someone she has never known… What do you think? Scroll below to read the full story.

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  • Not only does the man's wife not know his late ex-wife, but their daughter does not know her either, obviously—and the late ex-wife is not her mother. They have no connection, and it's almost like the husband wants his late ex-wife in his current life, where she technically doesn't belong…

  • "Now I'm getting messages from his family saying I'm being insecure and jealous of someone who isn't even here anymore."
    via Brooke Cagle For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • "AITAH for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his late wife"

    I'm 29 and 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband is 36 and was previously married. His first wife passed away eight years ago. I've always been
    via SilverWanders
  • respectful of her memory. There are photos of her in our house, and we've talked about her openly. I've never tried to erase her or act like their history didn't exist
    via SilverWanders
  • When we found out we were having a girl, we both made lists of names we liked. He didn't say anything at first, but after a few weeks he told me he really
    via SilverWanders
  • wanted to name her after his late wife. He said it would be a way to honor her and keep her memory alive through our daughter
    via SilverWanders
  • I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. I said I wanted our daughter to have her own name, one that reflects both of us and
    via SilverWanders
  • the family we're building together not something tied to a relationship I wasn't part of. He looked disappointed but said he understood
    via SilverWanders
  • A few days later, he brought it up again. This time he had told his mom, and she messaged me saying how beautiful it would be
    via SilverWanders
  • and how I should consider it an act of love. Now his sister is involved too. She said it would mean so much to the whole family if we used the name
    via SilverWanders
  • I still said no. I told him again that while I respect his grief, I don't want to feel like I'm raising someone else's legacy. I want this child to be celebrated for who she is, not tied to someone she never knew
    via SilverWanders
  • He hasn't pushed again since, but he's been cold. Quiet. I know he's hurt. I do love him and I know he still carries that loss with
    via SilverWanders
  • him. But I also feel like I have the right to want my own first child to have her own identity. I'm not trying to erase anyone. I just want to be seen too
    via SilverWanders
  • Cheezburger Image 10506239744
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Now I'm getting messages from his family saying I'm being insecure and jealous of someone who isn't even here anymore. My own mom says she understands my side but wonders if this is the hill I want to di on
    via SilverWanders
  • I feel like I'm already grieving the peace I thought this time would bring. And now I don't know if I'm holding my ground or being unfair
    via SilverWanders
  • AITAH for refusing to name our daughter after my husband's late wife
    via SilverWanders
  • Subspaceisgoodspace I suggest you find a family therapist to work this through with, with your husband. A child deserves their own name, not the name of his deceased previous wife. And you deserve respect and value in your own right. And I say all this as a widow.
    via Subspaceisgoodspace
  • El_Grande_Americano No, and a MIL has no say in the matter either. Naming a kid is a mutual agreement between the two parents only
    via El_Grande_Americano
  • JadieBugXD This IS the hill you want to de on and your husband is the AH for asking and for involving his family in the conversation. NTA
    via JadieBugXD
  • Und dM eress In the nicest possible way, be wary of him trying to register her birth and legally making it her name while you're still recovering from the birth. Not sure where you are but in some countries if the parents are married only one needs to be present to register the birth and choose the legal name.
    via Und**dM***eress

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